Why do some of us have friends and the rest of us don't?

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I've noticed that some of us WPers are in relationships or have sustaining friendships. Then there is those of us that don't.

I was just wondering what personality characteristics make the difference. What characteristics do you think make you less 'attractive' than others on the spectrum?

(For example, I've been told that I have a depressive vibe. I have anhedonia and am simply unable to enjoy things as much as the average person. Thus, I have been completely unsuccessful in maintaining friendships or sustaining a relationship! ... )

Difference in environment and culture. I live in a highly individualized place where family ties aren't so tight, where friendships come and go quickly and where courtship is completely gone. That is the kind of environment where you will inevitably end up lonely as someone with autism, as almost all adult friendships are gained through parties or clubs and almost all relationships are initiated through online dating and matching services such as tinder. Long term commitments and friendships are rather rare.

I'm a very optimistic person, and often willing to help people. I'm passionately curious, and people seem to enjoy it when I show a genuine interest in their work or hobbies.

I still offend lots of people, but they are almost always emotional types that I don't have much respect for anyway.

From where I live, people prefer to keep in touch. One way of another. Especially if they migrate or moved.
I've seen a lot of blood-related strangers, still meeting my mom. They're practically scattered, but still known to each other. Despite all that, I barely bonded with any of them.

I barely keep up on any friendships. Once they move out, they move out until the next encounter. Especially old best friend classmates. I had no idea where they are right now, but I do, remember them by name.
I still consider my childhood neighbors friends as friends, even after the changes, and we barely see each other. I still know what's going on with them.
On the other hand, I couldn't make new friends.

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I don't know, it just happens, I have friends from childhood which I don't remember how I started being friends with them, I mostly got friendships from school, people start talking to me then I talk to them then we become friends but they're the ones who approach me or when a friend approaches someone and I'm with them I also join lol

What personality characteristics make me less attractive?

1) Cold/aloof/standoffish.
2) Inability to converse in the accepted manner.
3) Frequently disconnect without warning.
4) Often depressed (and occasionally hyper) and it may be contagious.
5) Lack of interest in actual people - though fascinated by human behaviour.
6) General weirdness.

Having said that, I'm in a long term relationship with another Aspie. We understand each other perfectly and give each other lots of space to follow our own interests. I don't really have a need for friendships.

I think some of it comes down to luck and opportunity in terms of finding people and places where you fit/get along/belong.

Beyond that I don't really know.....it's a complicated thing and I don't think there is an easy answer. I think the specific reasons for having good luck or no luck with relationships can be different from one ASDer to another.

I don't think it's just personality characteristics that make a difference in terms of how much difficulty someone has making friends or developing romantic/partnered relationships; What's attractive to one person is not attractive to another, and what someone wants/needs in a friendship or partnership also varies.

Different people interpret behaviors differently, too -- one person sees not talking to others as shyness, another person sees it as coldness/rejection/unfriendliness, another person sees it as thoughtfulness/introspection/daydreamer-ness (someone always lost in thought about something -- which could be seen as good or bad depending on who you ask), another person sees only what they see ("quiet" "doesn't say much") and doesn't interpret it all.

I also think that you have to factor in our social disabilities, although I'm not as sure as Jezebel about those being the most important factor. The specific mix of our social disabilities varies from person to person, too (e.g. some of us have flat affect, others have typical affect, others have non-flat but atypical affect; we have varying levels and types of speech and language issues; we have different levels of difficulty with theory of mind; we have different levels of difficulty with reading and using nonverbal expression)....the mix probably affects things as much as the severity of each problem, and I think that how much any set/severity of social problems interferes with ability to make friends depends on other things as well.

I think part of the reason I've enjoyed some success is learning a certain amount of elasticity in my responses to my perception of slights committed against me. I have to work against my instincts and assume that people are inherently good, not trying to hurt me. That doesn't make me completely naive, but it does mean I might get hurt a bit more deeply before I cut ties with someone.

In the last several years, I've become rather adventurous. Probably recklessly so (everything from joining a traditional motorcycle club to going on an ether binge just to see what it's like, and even moonlighting as a bouncer for awhile). A lot of neurotypical people try to build friendships with me because they say they think I'm some kind of eccentric genius and they want to go along for the ride. I think a lot of those see me as a curiosity, and at some point they float away when they see that I'm actually a human being and I do have downtime.

The romantic relationship thing is hard. I'm doing it, but I don't think I'm fit to offer advice for success.

I've always wondered this. There are other Aspies I have come across in the past who seemed to have more of a social life than me. My second cousin was always a typical Aspie when he was a child (and it wasn't his upbringing because his sister is NT and has no AS traits at all). But now he's a young adult he's always out with friends, although he says he doesn't want a girlfriend because he can't cope with a relationship. But he might want one in a few years time.

Also there was an Aspie girl at my school, and she seemed to be more accepted by other girls than I was. But that might have been because she had Epilepsy as well, so they felt they had to be nice, if you get what I mean. But me, I was just seen as a clingy and annoying brat. Luckily I didn't get severely bullied, but I did get rejected and made to feel left out, which I suppose can be a form of bullying.

There's the saying: "do you want to be right or do you want to be liked?" Pointing out where people are wrong, explaining why they viewpoints are "less informed" than yours, offering unwanted advice to people who just want to be heard - these are all things that kill potential friendships in the bud, because friendships grow on mutual respect and people flee from unwanted advice which comes across as patronising and superior, even if it isn't intended to be. Because HFA often know a lot about subjects of interest, the compulsion to share that knowledge can be destabilising to incipient relationships.

In general you get further with establishing great friendships by being a tank filler rather than a tank emptier, by being an encourager rather than a discourager, by trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes, rather than judging them from your own knowledge or experience base.

Sometimes it comes down to learning new ways sometimes and getting out of a rut of doing things that are counter-productive. Most people want friends who can offer emotional support when they are going through a rough patch, who can be trusted to restore perspective when things seem bleak, and share good times based on mutual respect and trust. When people tell you something meaningful to them, acknowledge, consider or discuss that with them first rather than immediately responding with an example from your life, eg "How did that change things for you?" "What did you learn from that?" or "I'm glad you shared that with me, it's really interesting to hear how that was for you". People want to feel heard, we all do, and want to be acknowledged.

Practice goes a long long way - set little goals and you get better if you spend time just noticing how different approaches and responses harvest positive or negative connections with others. Learning how to gracefully give and receive sincere compliments can be a starting point - make sure they are sincere though, something you really like or admire about the person.

Because some of us are still waiting for the Wrong Planet servers to log us in...? [snore] Just kidding. Today, the servers have been slooow. Not complaining, though.

I dunno, maybe some Wrong Planetians are drop-dead gorgeous, a little more tenacious than the rest of us or got some dumb luck. Beats me. I, for one, have largely given up trying for anything to happen in the relationship forest.