Sharing diagnosis with an aged parent

Post Reply New Topic

My father is 91, in a nursing home, starting to go downhill, and probably won't live to see 2016 (my mother died 5 years ago). Most of the time when I call him, he is lucid enough to know what I am talking about. I am sure he has probably heard of Autism (but probably not Asperger's) but I don't know if he really knows what it involved.

During my growing up period, I was pretty hard to live with. I had emotional outbursts a lot, realized I was different but didn't know why, upset I wasn't popular or that any girls were interested in me, etc.. I was diagnosed back in May with Asperger's, and the more I read about it the more it perfectly describes my childhood, except that I didn't have the behavioral obsessions, the great inflexibility (I didn't get upset if the furniture was rearranged) or the lack of feelings/emotions (I was too emotional).

I feel like maybe I should share my diagnosis with my father to help explain a lot about my behavior, and maybe just because he still cares for me and we still have a close relationship, and maybe just to let him know before he dies. Is this a good idea? What sorts of experiences do others have with telling older parents about their diagnosis? Could there be any negatives? I don't think it will stress him out or make him feel guilty. I was adopted so its not like I got it from his genes, and it wasn't due to his parenting style. I will make that clear to him.

It seems to me that your plan is a fair one. I would suggest that, depending on your father's cognitive abilities during your discussion, you describe Asperger's Syndrome as the neurological disorder it is (something with which a person is born), not psychological and certainly not the result of someone else's actions or inactions. I would also describe that you have, over time, learned to adapt to your described characteristics and resulting behaviors.

Good luck!

I wouldn't tell him. He might experience confused feelings such as guilt, ignorance, denial, etc. People that age don't need to be dealing with such revelations. You should concern yourself with keeping him comfortable and stress free.

Why not tell him. It would bring clarity to things that happened in the past. I am in the process of telling my mom and I feel like a lot of things are going to make sense to her now. I know that once I found out that I was an Aspie I felt so relieved to finally understand why my childhood was the way it was. If I was a parent I would like to know..It doesn't matter how old he is, I don't think telling him would hurt anything.

This is an area where I can't give decent advice because I don't actually know the both of you.

I would say, if your father has any cognitive issues AT ALL, that you shouldn't tell him.

If he doesn't have cognitive issues: Maybe you could mention an article about Asperger's. Perhaps you could reel off the symptoms. Perhaps he might say: "Hey, that sounds just like you." Then you could say you've been diagnosed with Asperger's.

Perhaps, you could talk about some of the great people who are speculated to have Asperger's (e.g., Einstein).

Don't bring up your childhood unless he mentions it. It's not worth rehashing bad memories.

I agree with this.
It doesn't seem like he needs to know at this point.
Telling him might satisfy something in your mind, but it might cause stress for him, which would be good to avoid at his age.

I agree with Androbot and btbnnyr, though I have told my octogenarian mum and she has many neurological issues.

She has alzheimers, so she doesn't recall these conversations and I have "revealed" this truth to her a number of times and each time it is news to her.

Most times, she asks a few questions about it and immediately says, "oh, if that's what it's like, I probably have it too." She is basing this on the extremely intense special interests that have consumed her attention for at least 6 decades, her social awkwardness, and a few other things that seem to fit the general picture.

But she forgets, after 10 or 20 minutes, it's completely gone, as though the conversation never happened. Tabula rasa.

But I am glad to have had a few of those talks. They were something, while they lasted.

In general, though, I would err on the side of kindness, if at all possible.

Good luck.

What do you think your dad would want, if he could make the decision? Would he prefer to know or not?

If you are worried about what is kindest for your dad, base your decision on that.

Thanks for the advice so far, it has been helpful. I am not sure if he would really want to know or not. Maybe ignorance would be bliss in this case. I can see how it could be more stressful for him.

Yep...at times, "ignorance" could, indeed, be bliss.

I'm leaning towards not telling him.

Well, I'm sorta feelin' like you should tell him because I'm thinking that when he passes, you'll regret it, for the rest of your life, if you don't. I'm thinking about HIS "condition", as well----but, since you seem to be saying he's sort-of "in and out", that maybe it won't affect him, too much.

I'm concerned, though, that you're hoping it'll create "a bonding moment", or something like that, for the two of you----BUT, it may NOT----so, please keep in mind, that if you tell him, it might not have the outcome for which you're hoping----for EITHER of you. If you could, somehow, tell him without any expectations----just to get it off your chest----that'd be good.

Also, I would DEFINITELY tell him IN PERSON----as opposed to, over-the-phone.

My parents were in their mid-70s, when I was diagnosed (at age 50). At the time, I was out of work.

From their perspective, AS was simply a “label”. It provided no comfort or reassurance (to them) that others had similar “issues” (for lack of a better word). The “label” didn’t change their perception of me.

It was sort of funny. Before getting diagnosed, their biggest worry was me finding a job. After getting diagnosed, their biggest worry was me finding a job. Nothing changed.

My mother thought that the questionnaire was for me to get a security clearance. She's in her 80's now, so there is no point in disavowing her of that notion. To her, I will always be her 'special' child. I'm comfortable with that, and content to just let things be.

The older population is not used to the concept of doctors doing anything other diagnosing physical conditions.

If this gentleman also sometimes grapples with anger, or depression due to his advanced age/failing health, or aged mental faculties, this revelation could be confusing enough to cause panic.

Further, it could lead to a feeling a distance from you, as he will not have the ability to grasp the complexities of the mental condition his son has. It makes you different, and it is a thing he would have trouble understanding to a full extent. Another danger is in having feelings of inadequacy as a parent, as he was not aware previously that you had this condition.

You seek validation and acceptance from your parent. Consider that this parent actually knows you better than the evaluating physician that diagnosed you. If you already have a decent relationship with your father, then obviously this would not change if you disclosed your autism. His age and reduced faculties could lead him to have far less tact than he had previously, however.

I recommend against setting potential traps for family members who are in sensitive phases of their life.

You could end up in a bit of a bind if you explain too much. Remember, most autism research suggest that a large component is inherited from the FATHERs side.

At the very least, i strongly recommend that you do not disclose that autism has genetic factors. It would serve no purpose, and could result in negative introspective feelings in your father.

So, i guess i have to side with team 'No'.

I'm pretty sure that your father is aware that you are different from others. If he has already embraced this concept, then all you're really asking him to do is embrace a medical-word he may have never heard of before.

I remember filling out the questionnaire with my parents prior to the evaluation. The biggest surprise (for me) was discovering how pervasive mental health issues were – on both sides of the family. Maybe that’s why my parent’s reaction to the evaluation was – not much. I mean they knew something was up. They had me in therapy when I was 8, 11 and 18-22.