Tips for neurotypicals with autistic friends and family

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I thought this might make a good topic. I sort of intend this almost as a sort of "etiquette guide." I'll start it off, just to set the ball rolling.

Narrowly focused interests, and how to deal with them

For those of us with Aspergers, our internal thoughts are like our house. When we try to open up to you, we are sort of inviting you into that house. The general social rules corresponding with that apply. Some of us have a sort of "mental agoraphobia," so it takes a little bit of patience to get us to venture outside the walls of our little mental playpens.

Listening to the same song repeatedly

You know that feeling you get when you've heard the same song one time too many? We don't get that. We don't even always understand it. For us, the music is sort of like a "comfy chair" for our delicate senses. You want a chair to stay relatively motionless for a while, so you can rest. For us, running the same song on loop for a while is, for our senses, equivalent to putting our butts in an overstuffed leather chair. If we are doing this, it means we are stressed, and we need a sensory break.

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So, don't let my view on either of these things define what you would advise, and don't feel like I'm attached to these views and need to have someone "correct" me somehow. I'd really rather hear other people's iterations of things like this, based on their own experience.

Don't chastise us or talking about our special interests more than you would like. It takes a lot of effort for us not to talk about our special interests around you. Holding them in for a longer time than we're able to is like shaking a can of soda.

You know that feeling that people, especially teenagers, get when they go their whole lives trying to be understood? You've been through that, I'm sure. That's our life! Quit getting to know us and thinking you are more normal than us and those around you. Take the time to understand or work with us the same way you want the world to do with you.

To all those saying we are weird people: welcome to planet earth, space cadet. Everyone and everything, including you, is weird in their own way. If you truly don't believe that, then perhaps we aren't the ones on the wrong planet.

Details, details, details. Perhaps, This is me, but we require a lot of details, when describing things. Saying "over there" and pointing in a place that from our POV is arbitrary doesn't help us at all.


I wish I could add more. Maybe later.

Just because we can't always be there physically doesn't mean we don't love you or aren't with you in spirit.

One of the things that is always part of my "campaign", is.....

Please, somehow, try to understand that "smart" and "stupid" can reside in the same body / brain----like, yeah, the maths ones of us can tell you in an instant, what is 3 X Pi----and, the literary ones of us, can tell you what Papillon means----but, we can ALSO not be able to balance our checkbook, or understand how to fill-out a FORM!!

You must admire my bunny slippers.

Hey, neurotypicals!

Ever visited a foreign country with different norms and expectations? Remember how clumsy you were and how often you didn't realize that the A-OK symbol meant something offensive? Remember how, eventually, you mostly learned but you still had to be conscious of how the norms were different in the new country?

That's what it's like for us autistics, except that we can never relax enough to feel comfortable. We always have to wonder if we're about to say something that, to us, is obvious, and which you neurotypicals will parse as "he just insulted my long-dead, sainted mother!!"

Oh, and in addition - you look just like all the locals, so everyone expects you to know the customs and norms, and they get mad at you when you can't figure them out or when you accidentally violate them.

Alright, here's a couple more.

Difficulty with change.

This is not the kind of "difficulty with change" you associate with conservative politics. Instead, we're talking about things like changes in routine or our immediate environment. Basically, the only way I can describe it is that feeling you get when you leave the house on a trip, and you know that you have forgotten something and know that something is going to go wrong. Because you are doing something you don't usually do, you're more vigilant than usual. For someone with a spectrum disorder, what seems to you like a small change can trigger a full-scale Fukishima meltdown from a really grossly magnified version of this feeling, and there ain't no stopping it once it gets started.

This can be avoided by being honest and forthcoming about changes in routine.

The Meltdown

Remember when someone once tried to reassure you when you were anxious or upset about something, and it turned into an explosive argument with you taking out all of your anxiety and frustrations on someone who was trying to help you? Well, that's what you are dealing with when there is an impending meltdown. It is a force of nature. It cannot be reasoned with. However, you can provide distractions and be supportive while we're trying to rein this beast in.

Don't take any of their behaviors personally, even if they seem like they are trying to annoy, manipulate or offend you. 99.9% of the time, there is no intent behind these behaviors at all.

Sensory Problems

Neurotypicals: Please keep in mind that sensory sensitivities are a hallmark trait of autism. We can be extremely sensitive to sounds, lights, touch, tastes and odours that you are unaware of, or don't consider to be bothersome. These sensitivities vary in type and severity depending on the specific autistic you're with, so don't assume that because one person you met hated fluorescent lights but loved rock concerts that all of us are that way. Get to know us, and in so doing, learn about our sensory problems and respect them. If you're taking us somewhere loud, bright, etc., let us know so we can prepare and bring the necessary protective gear, or plan for an early escape route if needed. Please don't be embarrassed if the aforementioned protective gear looks geeky, awkward or weird; we'd love not to have to wear the klunky headphones in the bar, or the sunglasses at the bowling alley, but these protective measures are the only way we can comfortably enjoy such experiences with you. Most importantly, do not exploit our sensory issues for your own amusement. Don't make loud noises behind us just to watch us jump or react, don't keep flicking light switches on and off just to see if you can make us melt down, and please don't take it personally if we're unable to eat your cooking; it probably has nothing to do with your culinary abilities, and has more to do with the taste, texture or smell of the food you prepared; many of us are extremely finicky eaters due to tactile, smell and taste sensitivities; it's not your fault, but it's not ours either.

I don't this problem, it's harder for me to say anything at all, and rather special interests are a ball I can keep rolling.

A big "plus 1" to this.

A friend who knows my diagnosis and whom I thought was somewhat understanding of some of the issues I explained to him, still forgets that a noisy environment we sometimes have to be in is a big problem for me. I mean, he literally just forgets it's anything.

I would like to just once hear something like: "Oh wait, this is not good for you is it? Lets get out of here/take up our conversation when the worst of it has passed" etc.

Instead, he acts like I'm absolutely "normal" and just like him and nothing about my world is different for me than it is for him.

While I do not want to be treated like a freak, I also do not want to be treated like none of my challenges even exist....

(Edited for a typo.)

Last edited by BirdInFlight on 03 Apr 2015, 8:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Social Withdrawal

I'm not ignoring you, and I'm not "giving you the 'Silent Treatment'". I just don't feel like talking right now. Maybe I'm trying to assimilate a recent conversation; maybe I'm too upset with recent events to focus rationally on other matters; maybe I'm trying to concentrate on something important (i.e., homework, job, a good book, an anime series, et cetera); and maybe I just don't feel like talking. Got it?

Your repeated attempts to "draw me out" and "open up" are not only irritating, but the demonstrate that you have no respect for my feelings.

Just leave me alone and let me deal with it. Not speaking to you is not an attack or some form of passive-aggressive behavior. It is instead the one best way I have of dealing with stress and anxiety, so just shut up and go away!

If or when I want to talk to you, I will talk to you, and not one moment sooner.

It's annoying when kind hearted NT's think I am "just shy" and try to draw out my naturally reclusive personality with fake compliments. I am not shy at all! And even with my poor understanding of subtext, I CAN still tell when your compliments are fake.

This big time. I’ve had to endure several of these types of serious, "come to Jesus" type conversations with well meaning friends. Each in their own way explained to me how I just need to get out more, step outside of my box, expand my horizons, be more social by hanging out with them whenever they ask, etc. Each time, even though I knew that I couldn’t live how they were asking me to, I felt bad about myself because I did not then have an explanation for why I couldn’t just get over “it” and be sociable in the same way they were. These conversations happened before I knew how Aspergers/autism related to me.

So to echo some of what’s already been said: Dear NT friends, thank you so much for your concern. I believe it’s coming from a good place. But not all of us are meant to socialize in the same way or with the same frequency as you do and you know what? That’s ok. It doesn’t always mean we’re depressed or lonely. And do I call your need to be around people so often sad? No? Then please don’t tell me how sad my life must be because I feel uncomfortable accepting your last minute, impromptu lunch, dinner or party invites. It’s condescending and ignorant. I’m not the only one who needs to expand his horizons; perhaps you do as well. Perhaps you need to expand your sense of what it means to be happy, healthy and human.