Calling all Men I need your advise

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Last night I tried to open up to my husband to talk about our relationship, he just backed away, cold stare in his eyes, crossed arms,would only nod his head to talk with me. I was opening my heart to him, crying a little to taling about our relationship. When I was done he just got back on the computer, then played his video games until 1am as i went to bed alone. Well this morning he got up and wasn't saying much, but he was trying to kiss me passionatelyand tell me how much he loves me, and then as he dropped me off at work put in a "Love Song" cd in the car, and again kept wanting to kiss me and tell me how much he loves me and was trying to get me to laugh.

Can someone please explain this to me!! Were was he last night when i was opening up? What is he doing???? How can he be distance last night, and then wanting the physical kissing in the morning?

What are you guys really trying to do or say when you do this?

Men find it hard to talk about feelings ~ especially AS men.

I think he initially was overcome by some anger (perhaps at himself, or being in a difficult situation) and he needed to zone out for a while. I have done this quite a few times. By the time morning rolled around, he came to terms with whatever was bothering him. It's not uncommon to need some off-time when stressed. After the off-time relieves some stress, you can more easily open up yourself.

I think this is fairly common in males.

Ha, he's not AS.....I'm beginning to think he might be though.

Is it possible that your husband's time alone after you went to bed gave him time to reflect and more fully digest what you were trying to tell him? We guys are not always prepared to deal with a full frontal emotional assault and sometimes put up a defensive posture, until we can sort out what's going on.

It appears there is something on his computer that he is addicted to, to the point that it is interferring with your relationship. If you point this out to him, will he modify his behavior and become more attentive towards you or will he become angry and defensive?

I don't know if this is acurate insight into your situation, but observing from this angle, it's all I can do.

Good luck!

Your husband is probably a lot older than me and NT, so take this with a grain of salt...

When I tend to just nod my head/cross my arms while someone is talking to me it is usually because I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing or what the other person wants/needs from me in the conversation. I agree with penguin that his staying up late playing games instead of coming up to you at night is just him zoning out and wanting to channel his frustration which probably comes more from his job than anything else. If he really threw himself at your feet the next morning its because he does love you... I think he wants to be with you but needs to mark out some private time and space for himself to keep stable.

Actually the way you described your husband's temper tantrums in another thread really really reminded me of my father. I don't know if my dad has AS but he has enough traits that I suspect it.

Actually, my husband behaves just like my real father, who was very controling, etc. I'm sure you get the picture....

Hey oh by the way, my husband is 25 NT, I am 30 AS. Maybe this is the problem?

Your husband is young enough to be subject to a certain degree of emotional immaturity (not his fault, just a fact of chronology), this, too may be part of the problem. Heaven forbid you should bring it up, though.

I think you should talk to him until he really understands what you are trying to say.

If memory serve you posted that your husband has a military background. It can't be used as an excuse, but believe me, there is a fair bit of brutalisation in military training and life. Coming to terms with situations very different to those you have been "programmed" to deal with, in a manner that is appropriate can be an almost impossible task for some people, it depends very much on the individual. Do you know if he was a relaxed and open child? Shows of emotion, showing someone that you care for them and all sorts of other behaviour can be seen in military terms as a sign of weakness, if that is his perception then I can only suggest that an appropriate councilor(not the usual, he will see that as weakness), or, someone who has come out of the other end of his situation (maybe someone older who has made a go of a relationship and developed the maturity thast entails). In the meantime, very, very, very slowly inroduce the idea that the strength he needed before is a weakness elsewhere and that to be a complete and strong person he has to be able to face and deal with his emotions.
as an afterthought, cold reason will work better than emotional appeal, and if he is as I once was then I'd think seriously about if its worth it, only you know that.

You might be interested in the book The essential difference by Simon Baron-Cohen.
It talks about how autism is a case of the extreme male brain. I don't buy this but the similarities between autistic behavior and male socialized behavior are intriguing.

You need to talk to a counselor to determine whether you want to manage or escape his behavior. I don't think you should manage his behavior since he is an adult and responsible for what he does. I've spent a lot of time working on being more aware of women's issues and what is important to them. I think it would be great, but unlikely that he will meet you where you are. I agree that cold logic might work in an argument. And probably in the morning he was feeling aroused.

Frankly, I disagree. Whatever was troubling him at night, continued talking would have just further alienated him.

My suspicion is that in the morning he felt guilty and was trying to make it up to you.

That's a good thing if it is a one time thing. It is a bad thing if it becomes a pattern.

I don't think making another try at it is such a bad idea... It seems like you tried to talk about it with him and he was feeling withdrawn and didn't understand; so then the next morning he tried to really make a show of his love, but then you were feeling withdrawn (I think? correct me if im wrong); and so its just a question of both people being able to make the effort at the same time. (Although I agree that if this starts to turn into a pattern of behavior you need to take a step back and ask if this is really what you want).

Also as someone said, being trained as a soldier will almost certainly make it more difficult to connect with others on an emotional level sometimes.

You gys thank you so much for all your replies, you have no idea how much it means to me....you guys help me so much to see things from different ways. Thank you all....