In need of Mental Isolation....

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I have recently discovered a few things about myself.. I came to the realization that no matter what my circumstances were I could create a "bubble of peace".. That is until about 2 years ago. Up until about a week ago, I was living as a person diagnosed with ADD, and that led me down a path of life chaos and destruction.. I'm a 46 guy who has never "fit in", but mysteriously wasn't cast out of social things... I sort of just orbited them but always kept my space.. If things got too close, I would find someway to wreck it, or distance myself from anyone who tried to get close. I never thought of myself as abnormal, I just assumed it was the rest of the world that just "didn't get it". I was able to blend in well enough to earn the standard polite gestures at the office.. most of the time I was never able to "play the corporate game", so I pretty much maxed out my career where I am now about 10 years ago. I want to be seen, but as soon as someone looks in my direction, I hide. Case in point... I drive a Lamborghini Orange Volkswagen GTI and I've never got a ticket for any kind of moving violation, since I've been driving any kind of various red and orange and convertible Audi type vehicles I've had.. Plenty for parking, as I have a tendency to loose track of time, and I'm easily distracted.. I spent about 15 me-minutes obsessing over vintage silver hallmarks in a thrift shop. In the "real world", that worked out to be a little over 2 and a half hours. Needless to say my wife was a smidge miffed at me... more on that and the like later..

OK.. I see I got distracted again.. This is where I would usually erase everything I've written and obsess over how I can write it to make more people like me... wait for it... Only to ignore any form of contact anyone might offer! I've played MMORPG's on my PC since the year 2000 starting with EverQuest. Whenever I couldn't find a way to avoid everyone I knew.. While actively trying to get these people to like me, I would create a new character that no one knew and do the same thing over and over.

So.. My "bubble of peace".. About the time I started dating my now-wife, and at the time I lived in the city a few blocks from the office.. I moved there so I could walk to work about a year earlier.. At work, I was pretty much the only one on my floor that was left, at the same time I had started hanging out with my girlfriend after work. It would start out as drinks and wings at the bar.. That was my dinner for about the previous 5 years. I could handle the bar stuff.. I had become quite practiced at disengaging my brain and drink beer, eat wings, and let the random chatter app my brain created do its job. It was all going nicely.. Until the restack. My company sold the floor I was on, and I got moved in front of the Traders... Oh, and to my left side was the kitchen area.. There was no wall. I smiled as best as I could and let out my quiet screams. I hinted to everyone in the only ways I could that I needed stillness, but no one was listening. About a year after that they filled the rest of the area I was moved to. A while after that brings us to now. I'm married... I didn't realize how important that bubble of peace was, until it was gone. We moved out of the city.. She needed to get away.. I had already shutdown most of my higher functions and gone into a "whatever you say", automatic response mode. The rest of my life has been largely ignored, and serviced on only the gravest of "as needed" items. It didn't matter if I was working at home (1 bedroom apt, not much privacy), or at work, I couldn't find the isolation I need. I can turn my brain off in most "social" settings, I can sit in a bar full of people and "zen out" as long as there is no real personal interaction. In my current surroundings, I have no place except my car where I can be at peace. That is until I get the text asking where I am. I'm supposed to go to one of the local Autism Society meetings in about a week and a half. Let's see how many times I can play the Lego Movie song "Everything is Awesome!" in my head.

I really don't know what you are asking here, but it may help to focus on your breathing and 'centre yourself' to be able to find your 'bubble of peace' again...like a Mindfulness exercise.

When I became homeless, at first I had a really hard time of it - it was as though my 'security blanket' had been firmly yanked out from underneath me...no more 'home' no more 'personal space'.....I was at the mercy of the whole world and I became very fearful.

Then, about 6 months ago I remembered that song; 'Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home' and I realised that my security, my 'home' and my identity rested firmly within myself...I just had to find a 'touchstone' or something within me that centred my whole being.

So, I turned towards my spiritual beliefs for comfort....I knew that God was always there, supporting me and enveloping me like a cosy blanket.

Now, the whole world is my 'home' and I am at peace wherever I find myself...I mean, I have my own pillow I would be lost without. lol

Since then, I have found stable accommodation.

A physical representation of it would be an actual touchstone, or a small thing you can carry around with you in your pocket - then whenever you find yourself straying out of your 'peaceful bubble', you can reach for it, touch it and become grounded once more.

All the best with it.

Maybe you could take up walking or hiking to get a little fresh air and solitude?

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