Communication issues with boyfriend

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I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and our communication problems have been around throughout the relationship. I knew he's an unusual person when I started dating him but hadn't expected it would be so difficult to live with him. I'm not sure if he has autism or a theory of mind deficit, but I hope someone here could help me understand him better and hopefully offer some help with our relationship.

One conversation between us made me think he may have a theory of mind deficit, or mind-blindness. When we just became serious about our relationship, I told him I wanted to have a child. I added, in a joking way, "I'll dump you if you can't help." Months later, he told me sadly that his doctor found that he had some condition that would prevent him from becoming a father. He was very sad because he thought I would leave him. I was sad too because I wouldn't have a child of my own. However, I tried to comfort him, saying, of course I won't dump you -- I was just joking. He became mad immediately, blaming me, how could you make fun of me?! I can't describe how upset I was at that moment, because one the one hand I had to deal with my own hopelessness that my dream might not come true and on the other hand I had to apologize to him that I didn't tell him my true intention. This conversation felt both saddening and weird to me because I thought other people may have realized that I was trying to comfort him and I didn't deserve the blame.

I would consider this incidence as major evidence for his mind-blindness. There are other more trivial communications between us that upset and confuse me. For instance, he rarely asks me how I feel, such as, are you cold, are you thirsty, are you tired... I tend to get hungry frequently due to my fast metabolism. When we were out, if I said "I'm hungry", he would wide open his eyes and question me "are you hungry again? we just had lunch!" That's about it and he wouldn't ask me instead "would you like to eat something?" After months, I got too frustrated with my hunger and his response, I bursted into tears, I told him I may be unusual but why couldn't we stop and buy some snack? Until then did he realize that it's really uncomfortable for me to stay hungry and it's really not a big deal to stop and eat a sandwich.

Another example is walking. Both of us are athletic and walk fast. But he walks much faster than I do. When we travelled together, he walked at my jogging speed. He wouldn't notice I was struggling by his side. Each time I told him to slow down, he would slow down briefly and accelerate again without looking at me. After a trip, I felt I was running nonstop for three days and my leg muscles were so tense that I could barely walk. After several trips like this, he concluded that we shouldn't travel together because I complained too much.

I had known nothing about autism and theory of mind until I met him. I searched around for an answer to why it's so hard for us to communicate and synchronize. Then I found this website. I mentioned to him that he might have these problems but I was not diagnosing him because I'm not a doctor. I tried to raise this issue in the light that I was looking for solutions. However, he was surprised and disturbed and hurt by me. Now when we experience communication difficulties again, he would say, "and you think I have autism!"

Since it's a spectrum, I don't think he's on the far end if he indeed has this issue. I thought so mainly because I noticed his behaviors resemble autistic ones. Here's something I've noticed in him.

- He keeps his eye contact with me when we talk over a dinner. But when walking, he wouldn't turn his head toward me and sometimes talk with his back toward me. He mumbles too. So I find it hard to even hear him, not to mention to comprehend him. If I ask him, what did you say? He would answer, I was talking to myself, or I talked too fast and I can't remember.

- He kept his healthy bachelor's lifestyle for over a year after I moved in. On weekend, he would get up around 9, go out for a 10-mile running, come back for a quick shower and a huge brunch made by me, and take a long nap. After he woke up, he asked me, want to go out and do something? Then I had to tell him, it's already 4:30 and almost dark... Again, some day I got really frustrated with his schedule and told him I was tired of waiting for him for a whole day to do something together. Since then he tried to shorten his workout time. However, there are other things he has to do at his pace and he hardly notice that I'm waiting for him.

- He follows a strict diet, no tea, no coffee, no red meat, no seafood... He told me caffeine is bad for our health so he doesn't drink tea or coffee. So I started reading papers on caffeine (both of us do scientific research, not in the medical field though) and found no link between moderate consumption of caffeine and health risks. I told him about it and he didn't appear impressed. I'm mostly a tea drinker and I happen to drink a cup of coffee, he would be shocked, "are you drinking coffee, sweetheart?!"

I don't want to bore you with too many details in our personal life, but I hope I could get some insights into it. Also, since he's so upset that I thought he's autistic, we may not seek professional intervention at this moment, at least not with his willingness. Also, I wondered if a diagnosis is necessary before we look for any applicable treatment, and what would you advise us to do to improve our relationship?

Despite all the problems I complained above, we appreciate each other's intellect and kindness and we love each other deeply. I look forward to your comment and suggestion. Thank you!

I had a similar conversation with my boyfriend. I was completely unable to sense that this was a joke, and immidiatly cried as I do not want children. I get where you're come from, but it's a quite mean joke. I noticed that most people like to joke this way but I just don't get why. If you suspect he's on the spectrum (and even if he's not, given this reaction) I would suggest not joking in this way anymore.
(It sounds like I'm accusing you, but I'm not. I'm just not good at communicating without sounding harsh.)


Yes indeed, people on the spectrum tend to "forget" to ask this kind of questions. I do not necessarily believe it's from a lack of caring and I cannot speak for anyone else but to me the logic behind is: if there is a problem, the person will tell me. I have a thousand things running on my mind, I often forget to check on the other person.


His comment is a bit of the insensitive side. I notice though, that you seem to have expectation on what he should be answering, instead of letting him be. A small question: Did he knew about your fast metabolism ? And if he did, is it something you mentionned once, as a side note or something you keep telling him ?


I tend to have a hard time synchronizing with other people's pace. In fact I only knew about that after I read it in a book when I was 13. Since then I have to conscientiously try to match up the other person's pace, and it's quite tiring.
Again small question: How did you complain exactly ? If you were unclear on the nature of your complaints, I can imagine why he wouldn't want to travel with you again. (For example if you complained without leaving him an opportunity to adjust, he might have felt attacked and reacted defensively).


Please note that autism is still seen as really really bad in today's society (see the people who don't vaccinate their kids because it *might* give autism (BS by the way). They'd rather have their kid suffer from an horrible disease than just having autism). If your boyfriend does not know autism in any other way than Genius vs ret*d*d (sorry for that word), he might be thinking "I'm not a genius, she think's I'm dumb ?!"
Of course, this is only speculations but I am trying to offer a possible explaination for his behaviour. The best way to know is to have an honest discussion with him.


*side note: I did not know you were supposed to look at the other person while walking and talking! Now this sounds horribly difficult to achieve*
If he is on the spectrum, he might also suffer from Sensory Processing Disorder. Being outside is difficult. So much noises, lights, movements while keeping track of movement, and on top of that talking to someone ? At least to me, it is very difficult and I do tend to mumble, and even forget what I was just saying.


Not sure about this part. I think what you are getting at is overly rigid rituals ?
Maybe, maybe not.


So I went through most of your complaints and tried to give you his perspective. I'm not pretending it IS what is going through his mind, but his reactions look like my reactions to similar cases, so I'm just giving you my perspective, which I believe can help you.

I noticed though, that you seem to think every communication problem come from his side. Autism or not, I believe you are a bit "at fault" too. Maybe you just aren't clear enough for him, maybe you keep to yourself too much I don't know.
I think that you should try to express yourself more, be more assertive about what you want from him. Also do not judge his answers on how things should be, try to learn a bit more about how he thinks and express himself and adjust your expections from here.
Now, I'm not saying everything is your fault (far from that), but communication is what happens between two people. When it goes bad, each party is at fault.

I want to add, communication problems are no biggies, as long as you are willing to work on them. It takes time to develop efficient communication in a couple, and even then bad communication might still happen. The most important thing is that both persons know what happened and apologies are made when needed.

I hope my post was helpful to you. Feel free to ask questions if anything I said was unclear. And again, I know I sound harsh sometimes but it isn't my intention at all.