Dishing... I don't get it

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I don't understand this thing a lot of people do... particularly women, but men do it too sometimes... they will all simultaneously decide to say as many negative things as possible about a person they all know, and if you mention anything positive about that person during such a conversation they will all just stare at you with disgust, or they may even turn on you as if you've just insulted them. I believe it's called "dishing"... I don't like it. I can always see something positive in other people even if there is a lot negative, and it doesn't seem fair for everyone to just trash someone nonstop like that.

I think it's ridiculous myself. I'm glad you don't indulge in it.

Those people are just terrible and messed up. Gosh, what a bunch of jerks. I bet there's not one good thing about them.

(kidding)

I know what you are talking about, and it bugs me too. I just try not to join in, people doing that usually won't listen anyway. Maybe individually they would, but when they're in a group like that, probably not.

Unfortunately, it seems that I miss out on a lot of potential interpersonal bonding because of my inability to participate appropriately in these types of "conversations"... I hate realizing something like this because it's not something I feel I can change -- I would feel terrible about myself for contributing... so I just miss out on friendships. I suspect that they rarely actually mean the horrible things that they say because they then are very nice to the people they were talking about...

I wouldn't know if they meant it or not without being there to see for myself. But, either way, I think this kind of behavior is uncalled for and it's better to not have friends that to have friends like that. Friendship shouldn't require that one compromise his/her convictions on how to treat people!

I have known many people who are nice to a person's face and then talk smack about them behind the person's back. So, being nice to that person to his/her face doesn't necessarily mean they like the person.

People lie and flatter others all the time to make themselves look good or get something out of the other person. I think it's disgusting and I don't tolerate it. I've actually had people get angry with me in the past for both refusing to participate and for being unaffected by someone's attempt to butter me up.

I'm just feeling really isolated lately, especially with my chronic pain disorder, so I feel the loss a little more when I think of things like this... I can't even find a chronic pain support group because I'm an atheist/nontheist and all the support groups focus on having a higher power to support you...

Can't you "believe" in a vague "higher power" as a philosophical concept?

As for "dishing," people who indulge in it are doing asinine, asshole-type actions. I steer away from that kind of stuff.

Almost everyone I know gossips sometimes. Sometimes, because of my interest in people and their interpersonal relationships, I sometimes even find it interesting. But other times, especially when I know the person, my response can vary from a vague discomfort to outright anger.

I say, stay out of these types of conversations. Refuse to participate, and make a point by participating when the conversation turns to other subjects. I think seeing the positive in people and not talking trash about them makes you a much better friend.

Harmless gossip is one thing;

constantly being negative about somebody is another.

One has to know when to draw the line.

What would you consider "harmless" gossip? In what situations is it okay to talk about another person? Not criticizing; just curious.

Everybody talks about each other. Everybody talks about peoples' foibles. Sometimes, it could be instructive. I've done things that are gossip-worthy--everybody has. Sometimes, one has to laugh at one's self.

People who gossip compare other people to themselves. Sometimes, "gossip" could have a positive twist. It might even extol someone.

If gossip is employed to demean a person in any way, then it's very wrong--sometimes even criminal.

Talking about others is not necessarily gossip. Sometimes, you might catch up a mutual acquaintance in "what's going on" if the other person has been out of contact for a while. This isn't the time to tell someone's problems - you would only mention neutral things like, "So-and-so is in school studying ____________, or is working at ______________, or the kids are doing ______________, or just got married/engaged, or just had a baby, or went on such-and-such vacation." Just reporting, not giving opinion/making judgment. You would not talk about their marriage falling apart or getting fired. Stay away from anything negative, for the most part.

You can also talk about people in a good way - highlighting someone's accomplishments or giving a recommendation. You can always share positive things you know. Hearing about a compliment third-hand is the best kind!

If you *must* say something negative, do not make judgment on a person's character unless you *must* warn the other person about it. In this case, it is important to ask the question, "Is it NECESSARY?"

A lot of the context regarding talking about other people has to do with the person you are talking to. How close are you to that person? Can you trust that person to keep something between the two of you, or will that person gossip? Can you trust that person not to be judgmental? Is the person you are talking to close to the other person you both are talking about?

I think talking about people in public/groups is generally bad unless everything said is positive. If you must say something negative, make sure it is said in private. (I personally consider email a public forum, so be careful what you say about others in emails.)

The point of "gossip" (the bad kind of talking about people) is to make another person look bad in the eyes of the person/group one is talking to, especially in a way to build up oneself up/make oneself look superior.

I agree with Nerdygirl.

Have you heard of the serenity prayer? They repeat that thing at least twice per meeting.
I can't pretend to believe because they require you to appeal to that higher power -- whatever it is -- to help you, so it would have to have agency and be able to intercede on my behalf. I have seen no evidence of such a being. I have no such delusions that I'm so important that a God or the universe or whatever could be skewed in my favor by my reciting a poem... basically, I'm a determinist...

How about the "higher power" as a metaphor?

Please note: I'm an atheist/agnostic. I have no faith that there is a "god" who is conscious of its existence.

I don't think I'm comfortable with that big of a metaphor. I can say, "I hope I will learn serenity in accepting what I can't change, [etc.]"... but asking "God" to grant it to me is just too big a stretch for me. I can also hope that other people will be supportive for me in helping me cope and figure things out, but based on all evidence until now I can't really count on it, so I certainly wouldn't be able to think of other people or society productively as a metaphorical "higher power." The only person I can count on -- that I HAVE to count on -- is me. I know they've started some secular AA meetings in places like NYC, but there aren't enough secular people where I live who also happen to be suffering from chronic pain and want to be part of a support group for it... it's frustrating. I've tried going to a group anyway and just ignoring the serenity prayer, but then they started going around telling one another about how their higher power was helping them, and they got mad at me when I told them I didn't have one, so that wasn't helpful -- just more isolating.