Please help me stop this obsession with Asperger Syndrome

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It has been driving me crazy. I first found out about AS in 2008, thought it fitted my childhood perfectly but I no longer met the criteria at the time. Was obsessed with AS for a while, thought it explained a lot. I basically lived every second of my life thinking about whether I was an aspie but that died down eventually.

Fast forward a year later in 2009, I saw Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide on Asperger Syndrome on display in my university library. Lord did the obsession return. Spent even more time on WP and watched every ASD movie there was. Borrowed the book, read the first half, described me perfectly, but I couldn't relate to the special interest part so I stopped reading. I was pretty convinced that I was simply a socially awkward NT because I definitely didn't have a special interest (Ha!).

After that I went through a few bouts of depression somehow got better. As soon as the anhedonia (lack of interest in everything due to depression) died down slightly, THE obsession returned. In early 2014 I had a lecture on ASD and everything the lecturer said described my childhood. I thought about ASD again and asked my friend and family about myself. They all thought I am normal. My mom did think about the possibility of autism when I was younger and talked to a few teachers about it, they all thought I was just a shy kid. The nature of my work/study involved working in various departments in the hospital. I was at the pediatric outpatients sometimes and there were a few kids coming in for ASD assessment. One kid was diagnosed with autism and I saw that he played with toys like I did when I was a child. And I realized I really couldn't interact with kids without subconsciously stacking or lining up toys.

Thankfully I started working in other departments so the obsession died down. And... at the end of the year I happened to work with someone who appeared to be textbook Asperger Syndrome. As I took interest in his quirks and mannerisms, I realized he too was doing the same kind of observation. And I am back to reading, watching and thinking about ASD full-time. It has been 3 months and there is no sign of dying down. While it feels great absorbing everything I can about a topic I am interested in, I have been unable to think about anything else.

I feel like I may be unintentionally acting more autistic because I am just so obsessed with AS. I now stim more than ever, some of them are old stims that I have long forgotten, others are probably more noticeable to me since I am super self conscious. I have never had an obsession that has refused to die down. It is frustrating to me, because I am worried that I am identifying with something false. I have enough doubts that I don't think I am going to see a professional for a diagnosis any time soon. I am pretty sure I won't meet the diagnostic criteria any way. And there is no adult AS service in the country.

It may sound like I am in denial, which is a possibility. But what is also possible is that I have such fragile sense of identity that I need to latch onto a label. I have always been aware of this possibility so I have thought the best course of action is to become more self aware, and forget about AS until I know more about myself. I guess the main point is that, I feel like I am likely to be an NT who is confused about themselves, and really needs to stop worrying about a label.

Sorry for rambling .
Is there anyone who has been through the same thing? Do you have any advice?

Use your Aspie obsession and use it to make this world better for autism kind. The world is counting on you.

I relate to this completely. I was also totally obsessed for a period of a few years and it drove me absolutely insane.

Funny enough, I wound up getting a diagnosis... and now I feel somewhat freed from the obsession.

That particular obsession can be crippling, I think, because it can cause you to constantly think you're f*****g up socially, develop new stims, new coping mechanisms, I think all in a subconscious effort to prove it to yourself that you're not faking it.

With the diagnosis I felt freed, because now I could appear as AS to the world at large - the objective masses - and receive services, supports, etc.

It's funny, because after the diagnosis, the pressure to fit the criteria seemed to wane. I didn't think the rubber stamp label would be so important, but it was.

Have you been officially seen by a qualified therapist? It sounds like uncertainty is what has you spinning, so perhaps find ways to get objective and concrete answers if possible.

I have thought about getting assessed professionally and finally having an answer. I think that will happen sooner or later. I do want to move on and stop getting stuck in this non-productive rumination.

One trouble is that I am not very self aware at all. It took me years to realize I was actually depressed, and that I was really quite close to ending it all. I tend to be in denial. Now I look back at my earlier journals, for years I was wondering whether I was depressed when all I thought about was death (!). I even took one of the internet tests for depression and scored 'mild depression'. Looking back, it was not mild at all. I simply did not have the self awareness to get an accurate score. Of course, eventually I sought help when things were really quite bad (that's when I decided that it was indeed depression but I wasted years pondering and not getting help).

It is really silly to have such little self awareness, but I think that is exactly what is causing my dilemma.

OP I think that you would feel better after an assessment or diagnosis. You say there is no adult AS service. Can I ask what country you are in? A lot of what you describe is similar to to what I've been going through. I only found out about AS last year and I feel my autistic behaviour has increased but I feel this is because I no longer try so hard to hide it.