Accidentally freaking people out

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Hey,

I haven't posted in a while, but I'm experiencing something which I consider to be an aspie problem and I wanted to know peoples' opinions and feelings on this situation.

I had a meltdown of sorts last night, where I became incredibly overwhelmed and lost my ability to speak and started to hysterically laugh and cry at the same time (which was extremely cathartic and kind of funny to me, actually). My partner (NT) was there, and he ended up saying he got scared because he didn't know what was happening or what to do, while I was thinking it was no big deal, really, I just kind of blew a socket, annnnd it happens from time to time.

I wish to express that I was not directing it negatively at him (my meltdowns are usually self-directed or just a whole lot of crying).

Initially I feel really defensive because it touched a nerve (people being afraid of me or thinking I'm too intense or weird or emotional etc etc etc... frown).

Part of me wants to say THIS IS ME AND IT WILL NOT CHANGE, SORRY! (and if you want me to change... then I would suggest you go be with someone else instead... though I do love you and all... but anwaay....)

I think I'm overreacting... but my question really is, how do you react when your emotional outbursts freak out people that you love? What do you do? Do you apologize? Should you apologize? Gnarr. I am confuse.

I'm going to talk to him tonight about this. Communication is probably the solution I would think. I will try to explain and try to figure out with him what is the best thing to do...

Not sure what I'm wishing to accomplish from this post - guess I'm just trying to compare my experience, see what the experiences of others are like... bleep. Hope I make sense Anybody relate?

You can apologise if you like, although it's a bit like an epileptic apologising for having a seizure.

Communication helps. Tell him it's a natural process for you and it's outside of your control. Tell him the symptoms to look for and what he needs to do. If what you need is for him to apply compression during a meltdown, show him what area to squeeze and and how much pressure to use. If you just need him to leave you the hell alone, tell him so.

When he said he was freaked out, was he actually scared of you, or scared because he didn't know what to do? There's a difference. You seem to have translated his problem into your problem.

Some men think it's their duty to fix things. Being unable to fix your meltdown probably made him feel a bit impotent. Impotence is quite scary to a male. If it helps, give him a couple of pre-arranged jobs to do during your meltdown. Maybe get him to close the blinds, turn off the TV or radio, make you a cup of tea - whatever - to make him feel like he's a bit useful instead of standing around freaking out.

I can relate. Meltdowns can definitely be embarrassing in some situations. From what I've experienced, people sometimes are surprised and confused about what's going on. It can be especially difficult when the person wants to help but they have no idea how. I've definitely had people get scared; worried and concerned scared, not creeped out sort of scared. There is a difference between people being scared FOR you and people being scared OF you.

I used to feel really guilty and sort of beat myself up when I had a meltdown or bad sensory overload or panic attack. But I guess I've realized that it's not my fault when those things happen. I didn't do anything wrong, and as long as I didn't actually hurt anyone there's really nothing to apologize for.

It's been really helpful for me to tell people what went on during the meltdown or overload, what triggered it, what they can do to help the next time it happens etc.

I am an NT partner and I feel that you apologies are helpful. Why? If you accidentally stepped on someone's toe an apology would be the right social action. It might not have been your fault, but you apologise. If you are sick with the flu and can't make a social engagement with a friend or family member, it's a good thing to apologise even though it's not your fault. If you walked up behind someone at work or at home and they're concentrating on something else and you accidentally startled them, it's the 'done thing' to apologise. You weren't doing anything wrong, but your actions did have an impact - even if they weren't intentional.

Apologies aren't always an admission of guilt, but rather an acknowledgment of impact. Meltdowns can be really scary to be around and even if they aren't an empathetic partner will be having an uncomfortable reaction from being around someone who is in emotional meltdown. Meltdowns around anyone else will have an impact on them. Trust me, their nerves will be a-jangle and plans may be messed up even if they'd simply hoped for a quiet and relaxing evening. They may also feel responsible for the meltdown or feel that you're upset with them.

An apology acknowledges the hurt and upset they may feel. You may not have been in control of your behaviour in that moment, but you are now. It's within your power to comfort and reassure your partner and help them to understand what you were going through.

I can relate too. Just today, I got an email from a classmate who threatened to have me arrested if I didn't tell him why I ran out of class on Thursday. {I had an anxiety attack and I didn't want to freak everybody out.} At least some people in class know already.

As for your partner feeling scared of you, communication is indeed key, but if he acts like he doesn't understand, that's likely because he doesn't want to understand.

I think there's some good advice here, and I agree with Raleigh's suggestion about having something for your partner to do. I'd like to add to that: have a plan for what you both can do afterward, so he knows when the meltdown is over and what to do next. For example: if you want him to leave you alone, when do you want him to return? If you ask him to go to another room, do you want him to stay there until you join him, or would you like him to join you during what might be a recovery phase? How would you "signal" that to him? You might also ask if he wants YOU do anything, like (just throwing out a guess) say certain words so he absolutely KNOWS he didn't do anything wrong.

If you can share some information about meltdowns in general with him, he'll probably understand better that you'll be okay afterward and he doesn't need to worry too much. If you can tell him what your meltdowns are usually like, that may help, too, so he can see the process "at work". Encourage him to ask as many questions as he needs, and know that he may have other questions later--don't expect him to remember everything or for it to totally sink in just because you talked about it "that one time."

There's alot of really good advice, here. I especially like what Raleigh said about "pre-arranged jobs" for him to do, until you're in better shape. Also, I like what KimD said about signals to let him know when you're okay, etc.