Diagnosed later in life....Do you tell people?

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This is for those who got diagnosed (or just found out) later in life that you have autism/Asperger's. Did you tell people? Just close family and friends? or no one?

If you told people, what happened? Did it help, or did it just make things worse?

I have told my mom...but she really doesn't respond. She changes to the subject to something SHE wants to talk about (I think she might be slightly aspie LOL). I think she's in denial. I try to explain to her, now that I have the answers, why it seemed like I was disappointing her all my life and how her perception of me is wrong, but she always finds some way to just not talk about it. She even comes up with different possible diagnosis...like severe PMS (even though I've told her OVER AND OVER that my meltdowns to NOT necessarily happen at the same time every month!)

I have no told anyone else but my fiance...and in that respect it HAS helped. In fact we found out he is an Aspie too LOL. Otherwise, I don't know if I should tell people, even though I desperately want them to stop accusing me of being "lazy, irresponsible, ungrateful, rude, etc, etc...".

I told my wife (who is the one who tipped me off that I might have it). I'm glad you told your fiance; that will give you both a deeper understanding of each other.

I told my brother (who is 4 years older than me) because I wanted to apologize in some ways for not being the outgoing, athletic brother I think he kind of wanted. I would probably never tell my mother or father.

I did tell a few high school friends, and I really doubt that they believe me. The main response I got from them was, "You don't have Asperger's. You always struck me as very kind and caring... nothing like the people I know with Asperger's."

So... no, I don't bother. I sometimes drop very subtle hints in conversation about my personality quirks, but only someone who knew what they were looking for would put two and two together.

I don't tell anyone because it's embarrassing and I am afraid of special treatment and being treated different. Also they might start assuming what I can and can't do. Another reason why I don't tell is because I am afraid people might think I am using it as an excuse and think I am trying to use it a cop out. That's another thing to think about if you want to tell people but then they might start assuming you are using it as an excuse and that's another thing to think about. But I have told my husband when we met. I never told other men but one who was an aspie too. I couldn't really tell he had it except he was follow the rules freak. One other man figured it out because I was making jokes about AS gave so it basically gave myself away so never do aspie jokes to people or else they might figure out I have it. Nothing changed when he knew. Nothing changed when my husband knew. I think it would still be the same if he never knew.

my brother openly talking about having AS led me to my diagnosis, and my diagnosis led to my spouse realizing he has it, too, and our relationship has become much better as a result. he was already wonderful and understanding, but the knowledge of AS in our relationship has eliminated all the tap-dancing of thinking we're supposed to guess how the other person feels.

I also told my kids, as I feel that they need to understand me and that I keep working on myself to be a better person. I have to advocate for myself, just as I advocate for them, and I hope they'll learn by my example.

before I knew I have AS, I would sometimes explain myself to people like this (if they actually cared at all): "I'm a concrete thinker. I look at things literally. please don't ask me to participate in creative visualization because it makes me want to scream. don't ask me if I want the good news or the bad news, just give me the facts and we'll work it out."

and now that I'm identifying anxiety triggers, I'll try to go for a profession with a well-defined job description as I work best when expectations are made clear up front, are reasonable and attainable, and where my employer doesn't undermine my productivity with irrelevant feel-good meetings.

and I have no plans to tell my mother. it'll just give her a handy excuse for our family being so messed up.

I am very open about my AS and almost everyone knows. It's just my choice to be myself and let people know they might expect eccentricities before they arise. I haven't had a problem doing this.

Not formally diagnosed, but even if I were, I wouldn't plan on telling anyone besides my daughter, but then, she's the one who handed me Born on a Blue Day and insisted I read it because I'd relate really well to the author.

My mother has told me in the past that she fully accepted the whole "refrigerator mother" hypothesis, so telling her now would only lead to anger, denial and hurt feelings on both our parts. It doesn't serve any real purpose, so I plan to avoid it.

My neice, who is like a sister to me, would only run home and tell her mother, who would be on the telephone to Mom before the entire story was out of her daughter's mouth -- my sister loves anything that will stir up trouble. Although, my sister is the one who said I was their "changeling child" when I was a little one and, when I commented on my score on the AQ quiz a couple of years ago, she was the one who said it explained some things about me. I just wish I could trust her to keep her mouth shut about it.

My brother will only pooh-pooh it like he does everything else. Funny part is, he's the one who was non-verbal until he was three years old.

My eldest sister is in Montana, though, and doesn't speak to anyone else in the family, so I might be inclined to tell her.

Regards,

Patricia

I just found out like 2 months ago, so not a lot of experience with it yet. Told my partner and I think in the end it will be a help... she says it's been a help already, because she isn't as inclined to take my distance personally anymore. But she's being a little over solicitour right now and I don't much care for that. I 'spect that will wear off with time.

Had another talk with a 'friend' who had voiced concern to a 3rd party about whether I was a safe person and I'll give that mixed reviews. She appeared to be interested, but when I mentioned that she's probably not any better at reading my body language than I am at interpreting hers, she said she thought she was very good at understanding me. Excuse me? Then why worry if I'm safe? If you could actually empathize with me, you'd know that was a nuts question.

And I told a dear friend and mentor, and she's been kind and supportive, but she still seems to be relating to it as a mental illness and neurosis. I'm trying to give her a break--she's 74 after all--but the communication difficulties are affecting our working relationship and it's getting tedious be blamed for every problem between us. I was hoping an understanding of the different wiring and possible work-arounds would help, but....

I don't plan on telling many more people, as so many folks seem to use labels to dismiss things rather than creatively engage. It's definitely going to be on a case by case basis, and only if I feel safe with the person I'm telling.

I am comfortable telling co-workers, friends, people I meet, but I haven't brought myself to tell family.

Probably because I fear the reaction...treating me like I need special help (something they already do which I resent because it disempowers me from being independent). That, or they might refute my beliefs and then refuse to talk about it further. Denial is common in my family.

I have mentioned it if it has come up. To friends, family, a few co-workers (one asked me directly if I had AS) and so on. My partner has told a bunch of people. He is proud that I have AS for some reason. He says it makes me different.



Never had a negative reaction. I think as I am an adult, people have already known me for a while so do not pre-judge me with a label. Only one bad reaction from a friend who said I did not have AS as I can be "too good at faking" social interaction. My boyfriend said "live with her for a week, and you will see".



This was how my mother responded. Though, this was only for a short time. She said later she felt bad for not protecting me from all the bullying. But I do not care that she did not realise, she did her best. Maybe your mother feels guilty for not recognising this earlier?



Yes my partner knowing I have AS helped a lot as he has let a lot of stuff go that he used to try to "fix" with me.

I think if it comes up, tell people. There is nothing wrong with having AS and if people treat you badly because of it, you should not associate with people like that.

Ditto.

I could tell anyone I feel like telling easily, most people don't even know what it is so I have to explain it to them.

I'm curious about the emphasis on late versus early diagnosis. Early diagnosis would tend to preclude having to decide whether to tell your parents or siblings, but there is still early diagnosis that end up in situations of choosing whether or not to tell somebody.

Personally I'm very open about it, I'm open about everything. I've told people my entire life don't ask me questions you don't want to hear my honest answers to. I don't go out of my way looking for chances to talk about it, but if it comes up it comes up and I like to talk so I'll talk about it.

I've recently been spending time hanging out on a Voice Communication server talking to a bunch of guys because we all have a common interest in a specific computer game. It is an international collection with English as a common language and we were talking about accents and understanding each other and I mentioned that I have a verbal communication disorder and it lead to a long conversation about what autism is and how it impacts my life. (Highlight:After explaining how one positive impact was my increased sensory acuity and how I could use that in the game we were all playing one of the guys says "So I have a question Crassus, how does one go about acquiring autism?") Being the great group they are they were all very empathetic and understanding (One of them asked me if I had the choice would I choose to be autistic. I responded it doesn't work that way, if I were not autistic I'd be some other person, not me, so it was meaningless to think of it in those terms. They said that made sense.) and then continued to treat me exactly as they had been. It hasn't come up again since.

I also had a conversation go like this:

Me: "I'm slightly autistic."

Him: "Um... you sure?"

Me: "Yeah. Probably closest to Asperger's."

Him: "Oh... ok. That makes sense."

Clearly he imagined that autism == Rainman.

Rawwr..i have had conversations like this:

Me: I am mildly autistic
Guy in Band: WHuh?
Me: I am mildly autistic and sometimes I sometimes have a difficult time dealing with people. Please don't take it personally.
Guy in Band: Can I have another beer?
(I only brought it up because I was having a really difficult time dealing with this particular band and kept repeatedly having negative interactions with various members

I have a bad habit of bringing it up when I am experiencing freeze-ups or melt-downs when dealing with strangers..like people in bands...I tend to be in such a state of stressed out-overload...that I um..can behave badly..snap at people unintentionally...blah blah...So I sometimes like to explain myself...

I also have a bad habit of bringing it up when I am comfortable and interacting well with the people in the bands..because I want them to get to know me...but it often seems to make them uncomfortable.

I don't exactly want to keep it a secret..I help run a venue...The small handfull that composes our "inner circle" is rather neuro-diverse.....we have aspie meetings here...I want to be an advocate..etc...
I just wish I had more tact with knowing when and when not and how to tell people.

Sounds like when I told my former boss (after she retired). She would always compare me with her granddaughter (who I'm kinda interested in), and in an earlier conversation, when I was trying to hint at my having AS, she thought I was talking about her granddaughter. I brought it up more directly, after she accused me of always probing her and changing the subject to her granddaughter, I had to point out that I didn't. At first, I told her I have AS, she asked what's that, when I explained that it's basically a mild form of autism, you could hear everything clicking in her head. and she said it made perfect sense, especially how I reacted to the new boss.

I have told a few people, but am still struggling to figure out how to tell my parents. I'm also still waiting to hear back from my old pediatrician's office, because I want to see what they put in my medical record when they diagnosed me with ADD when I was a little kid. (They put me on that annoying methylphenidate for 13 years. I went off when I was out of HS, and would try to avoid taking my dose as often as I could.)

My mother has always been in denial, of everything, and always thinks she knows best. Nothing I say matters. And she has never hesitated to manipulate my father to force her misguided beliefs of what's best on me. Telling her now would not be productive, and would invite her to screw with my life more. I'll tell close friends, and I'll tell anyone if I think it will help them, but my own family is being kept in the dark at least until I move out for good.