newly self-diagnosed and kinda scared

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I recently was researching adhd for my daughter and came across Asperger's Syndrome. And when I saw all the symptoms my heart started pounding hard and I felt an overwhelming sense of explanation for my life. I almost started crying because I've always thought my problems were something other than what my psychiatrist has been treating. I finally feel like all the stuff I've felt and done make perfect sense.

I have fought myself my entire life. I have thoughts that don't make sense to others and nobody understands me. My childhood is a textbook description of what an Aspian childhood looks like. I am horrible at relationships. I feel like I like people just fine they just don't like me. I am very very good at faking life. I can fit into just about any social setting because I've perfected being a chameleon. But.....now that I "know" it has a name...I don't know what to feel.

I spent the whole first day feeling like a total screw up because after a lifetime of trying to change yourself, it is cathartic to realize you can't. I almost want to accept it and be myself. I almost want to fight it even harder. But I don't think fighting it is what will make me happy. I don't know what happiness is I've had happy moments and I can recreate those but I want to feel happy for real. I don't know how to do that. I am actually happy when I'm all alone. I can't be happy around other people for real because I'm always in performance mode. When I'm myself around other people they keep asking me what's wrong. So I have to fake smile. Sometimes I feel more stupid for walking around with a grin on my face for no reason...but I do it because if I have my normal face on everyone thinks I'm depressed or angry. I hate when people walk up to me and say "smile it can't be that bad". And it takes everything in me not to go off on them for THEIR obvious stupidity.

I really don't know what to do...embrace it and finally find myself whom I've fought all my life or keep fighting because now i can fight the disorder instead of all the depression and ocd symptoms my mental health team has been focusing on.

I would like to hear stories of how you felt that first week you diagnosed. Since I am almost 40 and just finding out I really want to hear from similar cases. Everything helps though.

Hi and welcome.

I'm considerably younger than you, so I didn't get *that far* in life without finally having an explanation for why I am how I am. I had been misdiagnosed ADHD in childhood and then repeatedly misdiagnosed again with other things once I hit my teens. Things went to hell rather quickly once I hit adolescence. It was never-ending social and life failures (couldn't make friends anymore, couldn't cope with changing expectations, dropped out of HS, etc). About ten months ago, I came across a list of AS traits that I very much identified with and then found WP. I never self-diagnosed. A few months ago I had a psycho-educational evaluation done (not searching for a diagnosis) and later had my previous suspicions reaffirmed by a professional.

It was a mixed bag for me at that point. I wasn't surprised by it, but I still felt conflicted. It only served to validate the years of feeling perpetually misunderstood by professionals and my parents. Quite honestly, I was angry more than anything else. It's not like I grew up 20 years ago when this was more or less unheard of. It not like I didn't have visible problems in childhood or like I never saw strings of professionals who could have maybe just gotten it right had they been thorough enough. I had some traumatic experiences a few years back that were indirectly the result of my autism and it brought back a lot of unresolved feelings. Other than that, my diagnosis has done nothing but help me understand and improve myself.

BTW, I wouldn't recommend "fighting the disorder". Learn to accept yourself as a person as it will always be a part of how you are. ASPartOfMe recommended some good reading and stick around, hopefully you'll find some things on here helpful.

Best of luck.

I would start by reading these three highly recommended books

Pretending to be Normal: Living with Asperger's Syndrome by Liane Holliday Willey (Author), Tony Attwood (Introduction)

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood

Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome by Rudy Simone

I got diagnosed at age 55 it was a joyous relief and over time it explained or provided a correct explanation why most things happened in my life the way they did. Others have different reactions. How much to fake it to make in a world that is 98% percent non autistic is a vexing issue that never truly goes away. You don not want to truly forget who you are , that is not good. Read the books and follow this website to further confirm (or not) what you are thinking right now. If you get further comfirmation, before you answer how much or if to fake it to make it you have to find your true autistic self that you have been burying all these years.

It is a process that takes time

Hi Skyflower,
I self-diagnosed a year ago when I was 32. I've just been formally diagnosed. It was horrendous when I realized. A deluge of thoughts and emotions and I couldn't work out what I was feeling really. Partly relief that there was a reason why I've always struggled to fit in and failed so much in much in life ... it's not because I'm lazy or neurotic (as I have been accused of being), but I've been struggling with quite a profound, undiagnosed disability all my life. I felt very angry that nobody noticed this in me ... my mum even worked with autistic kids for crying out loud. I think like a lot of high functioning autistics (and even some slightly lower functioning ones) I was simply viewed as "quirky". I'm still processing a lot of anger.

I am starting to accept who I am now, though I'm still very much grieving. I might be lousy at pretending to be neuro-typical, but I'm pretty great at being autistic.

Give yourself time to think about it, read Tony Attwood's book, let yourself cry and try to meet up with other Aspies. I went on a meet-up last weekend (organised on wrongplanet) with some fellow Aspies and for the first time in my life felt free to talk about who I really am rather than regurgitating words from a rehearsed script that I thought would be acceptable. It was a truly validating experience.

You no longer have to be isolated and misunderstood. You're part of a group that, on some level, shares your experiences and knows what you've been through. Each of us experiences autism differently so our experiences will be different too, but we still know where we're coming from.

By the way, I've also had the "cheer up love, it might never happen" experience. I want to punch people who say that to me. But I don't.

Much love xxx

Welcome, Sky.

Having gone through the sort of identity crisis you currently seem to be going through myself two years ago, I totally understand where you are right now.

If you're looking for another reading suggestion, I humbly add the Musings Of An Aspie Adult Diagnosis series (http://musingsofanaspie.com/adult-diagnosis), specifically part 6, "Mourning the Loss, Healing the Child." It helped me greatly during that initial phase and suspect it would for you, as well.

Best of luck on your journey to learning about and accepting the real you.

Thank you all so very much. Everything you have said is truly being taken to heart. I am starting to read books after a whole day of obsessing on youtube..lol. I will definitely read every one of the books you all listed. I feel better having a community of people who are like me. It's funny...ever since I was a kid I always said that I feel like I'm not living my life but I'm living somebody else's.

I feel like this is a lot to handle. Like one burden has been replaced with another. I am a survivor of childhood complex trauma and have the entire spectrum of anxiety disorders. I have always thought I was supposed to do something GREAT with my life. I was adopted at 3 by a really good family but in the 70s they didn't know of this and they sure didn't know of females with it. I used to blamey parents but in the last few days all I've wanted to do is apologize for being such a nuscance to them.

My parents even had me tested to see but all they did was say...she's extremely gifted. Then in the third grade the school board said I shouldn't be in public school because it will hold me back and my parents have always said no to the exceptional opportunities I've had...I can even remember in 9th grade getting an invitation to attend Tuskegee University for a week and they said NO. I held years of resentment for that.

All of this has been sooooo heavy. And my brain can't shut it off. I thank you all again because I know I'm going to need tremendous support through this because of all the comorbidity.

Please pray for me.

Thank you campincat. doing both sounds like something I can do. I have my next mental health appt on the 11th and I'm nervous to discuss it.

I will make the lists but my boyfriend is more convinced than me that this is really it. He said he feels better already knowing I'm not really a cold, heartless, you-know-what.

Crazy as it sounds "do both" are the two words I keep saying over and over in my head so you must be on to something.

Thank you for your prayer.

Figured it out for myself at 30. Had my "ah-ha!" moment. Accepted it. Obsessed and read far more than 10,000 pages about it, including a few books. Then just kept learning, online, from friends etc & figured out how to successfully treat my symptoms (diet, cleanses, probiotics, supplements etc). 2 years later and my symptoms are well under control. I'm happier, healthier, wealthier, and living a second life for it.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Hi, and welcome. I discovered through my stepmother that I had Asperger's when I was 61. I realized immediately that she was correct. A few months later when I was formally diagnosed, the team that diagnosed me immediately said " the blaming stops now". I was relieved to finally have answers that made sense of my life. I never regretted learning about my truth. You might go through phases toward acceptance. It will be worth it...

I wasn't until I was 41 when I found out I has AS. It took running into a psychiatrist by accident to find out about it, and even then, I didn't believe him at first. About a month after meeting him, I pull the business card out that he gave me and looked up "Asperger's", and boy was I in for a shock. After half a lifetime, I finally know what was causing all my social troubles, but that elation feeling soon took a nose-dive when I found out that there was no cure for it. Even though there is no cure, Just knowing what it is had help me a lot. Over the last 2 years of knowing about it, I have made a lot of lifestyle changes, changes that have improved my life immensely.