Suspect someone may be on the spectrum

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If you believed someone was on the spectrum but they didn't know it, should you tell them?

There is some background to this question. A year ago I came to realise I was on the spectrum (finally got officially diagnosed December) but during the wait for the assessment I did a lot of research on it. During all this I started seeing traits in a friend but thought nothing of it as they could be explained in other ways, until I read that women frequently get mis-diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. (She had been tested for this once but was told she wasn't.)

At this point it clicked she may be on the spectrum as well and the more I thought about it, read other peoples experiences which applied to her remarkably well, thought about things she had told me about etc that I realised there is a strong possibility she could be autistic.

This is where it gets a bit more complicated though, she was the one that first put me on the path to discovering I was on the spectrum so I worry this may sound like me trying to do the same to her.

On the other hand I do know she suffers with bad health but most of her complaints seem to be stress related, I know how stressful it can be trying to live a neuro-typical life when you're not so think if she knew about it maybe it would help improve her health overall.

There are some other issues that may influence any advice but I thought keeping the question simple would be the best start.

So she already knows about autism but doesn't see it as describing her? I wouldn't tell her you think she is autistic.

My experience was that I was not able to hear it when people tried to tell me, and I sort of thought they were just calling me weird and incompetent, [which I interpreted as hostility.] I think you could say that their well meaning attempts went badly.

More than a decade later when I had to learn about autism on my own because of my son, I was able to rethink those conversations and recognize what had happened, but at the time I could not see it. I had a psychological barrier to understanding what was being said to me

But that's just my experience. Maybe it goes differently for other people.

If she is open to talking about it, talk about your own traits and self-discovery. Maybe as part of those conversations she will disclose or discuss her own perceptions about her own traits. If so, that could be a great conversation.

But I really wouldn't push it unless you want to end a friendship.

Last edited by Adamantium on 06 Mar 2015, 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

Only very carefully, if I were you. Since your friend introduced the idea of ASDs to you, I would only: 1) list a few classic ASD characteristics and describe how surprising it was for you to discover that those characteristics had certain ASD meanings, 2) ask you friend for advice about "any characteristics" like your examples that she recognizes in herself and would be willing to compare with yours (turn it into a light-hearted game of asking her advice for your own characteristics), and 3) let her answer as she chooses (including a simple "I dunno") and leave it at that. From that point on, let her lead the conversation. Otherwise, drop it and change the subject to something like movies.

But, I agree that it might be best to avoid the conversation altogether.

A couple of interesting points and certainly something worth thinking about, thanks.

I will elaborate on something though.

Although she put me on the path, when I asked her a few days later why she thought I was autistic she told me she was joking... (just me struggling to tell the difference between a joke and not a joke!) It was an off-hand comment coming from a separate conversation.

She doesn't know a lot about it and didn't see the traits in me which could be why she won't see the traits in herself

No.

Your confirmation bias should not be used to justify acting on your beliefs.

Leave the diagnostics to the professionals.