Husband with possible undiagnosed Aspergers - how do I help?

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I believe my husband has Aspergers. He disagrees and thinks he is 'normal' and the rest of the world is 'wrong' (his words). He won't speak to his GP or research it or seek any kind of support. This is his choice but his behaviour which I believe is a result of his Aspergers has a very negative effect on me and our two children.

I can manage the obsessions. I just let him get on with it.

I can manage the literal thinking, blunt speech and the fact he pretty much only ever talks to me about his obsessions or our children. I know it's not meant personally.

I can manage his complete lack of interest in being social and the way he gets eye contact completely wrong, either not giving it or being 'in your face'.

What I can't manage is the rigid thinking and associated 'meltdowns'. They occur when he feels under stress or threatened and something happens that is not how he wants it to happen. I guess he feels out of control and he tries to regain control by basically ordering me about and being passive aggressive/issuing ultimatums.

An example we are in the middle of.

Last Monday, he went to make his packed lunch for work and couldn't find his sandwich box. He accused me of losing it and told me I had to buy him a new one and he wasn't going to eat now until the weekend. He also threw all the other sandwich boxes in the set out because he didn't have a full set any more (in his mind). I said I hadn't lost it, he just said 'Well where is it then?'. I said 'I don't know, you had it last' and he said 'No, you lost it.' Since Monday he has been in a foul mood, looking grumpy and miserable and snapping at me and the children. He ignores me completely and won't even talk to me. He is barely talking to the children. He has eaten at work, I'm sure, but he won't eat at home. Or drink. On Tuesday, I located the sandwich box in a drawer. He threw it away because he had thrown the others way and said I had to buy him a new set and he wasn't going to eat again till I did. I said I wouldn't buy a new one because he was being absurd, he said he won't eat then. We're now on Friday, he hasn't backed down or changed his mind. God knows how awful the weekend will be. I will spend it just trying to protect our children from his bad temper. It is common for him to refuse to eat for 1-2 weeks at a time. It is common for him to throw things away, including all his clothes bar what he is wearing because his rules for laundry haven't been followed to the letter.

What on earth do I do to get through to him that this is not healthy?

The insistence on having a full set of food containers is extreme for an NT, but it's only somewhat above-average for an Aspie. A similar experience for you would probably be something along the lines of going to the city dump, picking dishes out of the trash, putting them through the dishwasher, and then using them to eat from. This would be safe to do, but it would cause a great deal of revulsion for you. For him, the experience of not having a full set of containers is probably similarly distressing, though for different reasons. The need for order can be just as strong as the desire not to associate one's food with the city dump.

That doesn't mean I agree with his actions. I understand why he's refusing to eat; I see this as a predictable thing for someone with AS (Or, for that matter with OCD or OCPD). What I don't agree with is his refusal to try to understand why he does some of these things, and to find ways to do them that does not distress anyone else--for example, going to buy his own set of containers rather than insisting that you do it; budgeting so that he can afford new containers; establishing a procedure to be followed when a set becomes incomplete (so that he can follow that procedure instead of becoming unable to eat). That sort of thing. If someone has AS and they are doing something that annoys or hurts someone else, they have the responsibility to find a compromise that will hurt nobody.

Notice I am not saying that he needs to "stop being silly" and just use an incomplete set of containers. For him, this is a real problem. He's probably hungry and out of sorts and can't figure out where to go from here. The trouble is not that he becomes distressed when his sense of order is thrown out of whack; that's normal. The trouble is that he doesn't understand this about himself and isn't working to find ways to integrate these traits into a world that isn't arranged to compensate for them.

I guess that makes sense but I don't know how to get him to take any kind of responsibility. Whenever he has a meltdown he acts like it's down to me to put the situation back how he wants it. I think this may be because his mum always did that when he was young. (He's 38 now by the way.) Even now with his parents I can observe how they scurry around to make everything how he wants it just so he doesn't have a meltdown. I've done it in the past to keep the peace but now I won't - I won't force him to behave in a certain way but I won't take responsibility for his actions either. If he thinks something needs to be rewashed, or a new one bought, he can do it himself. I guess he is finding it hard to understand why I won't do what he wants any more. I can almost see his brain going 'does not compute'.

I have tried getting through to him all sorts of ways, some more or less helpful than others but bottom line is he doesn't think he should have to do anything different.

I sometimes have this problem when I'm living with women, that whenever I can't find something, I assume they've moved it or thrown it away while tidying up, and forgotten what they've done with it. On several occasions this has actually happened, including once a USB drive with important material on it that was found in the garbage. But 99% of the time it turns out I've just misplaced it myself. I lose things often, actually. Nonetheless I can't help but jump to the conclusion someone else has moved it.

The solution I came up with was to create what I call my "action station" which is basically a spot where I put everything important. I empty my pockets here when I get home, my watch and glasses go here when I go to bed, any important forms or anything else I can't afford to lose go here, etc etc. It is off-limits: no one else is to touch it at all. This way I know for sure, that if something's gone missing, I'm the one who misplaced it.

So maybe you could just devote an area for him to put all the things he needs to go to work or do other critical things, and make it so that it's a safe spot that no one will ever interfere with in any way, a spot where he can dump all of his critical stuff like wallet, lunchbox, keys, etc etc when he gets home, and never have to worry (so long as he sticks to the routine of putting things there).

Laundry, I don't know. If he doesn't like how you do it, don't do it. I've been doing my own laundry since I was 9 years old, a grown man can do his laundry, AS or no AS.

Thanks. We kind of already do that, the study is unofficially his space and he always puts his coins, watch, phone, keys etc there, although it's a hell of a safety hazard with young kids around. But because I do the washing up, he gives me the box to wash up and if he uses it the next day, it's fine, it's on the draining board but if he then doesn't use it for days, I put it away because I like to keep the kitchen tidy (and I'm definitely not AS! lol).

I want to shift the responsibility for managing his what I think is AS more onto him (mainly because I am burned out after 10 years of doing it for him and also because I don't want our children to copy him, thinking it's how most people behave - I am sure they are not on the spectrum) but it's damn hard when he doesn't think he has AS (or anything else).

Lunchbox. It's his problem. So long as you play caretaker, TV wife, he will suck you into his problems and make them yours. These are not your problems. He may be your problem but his lunchbox is his problem. Many aspies, such as myself, make problems to avoid dealing with people ... so your involvement is probably intensifying his problem. And yours. Let him meltdown on his own. If this is affecting the children, you need to let him know he must melt out of their sight or soon he will be living alone in small apartment. Do not back down on this. Stiffening up your boundaries will be the loving move.

Vanhalenkurtz speaks the truth.

True, but it isn't quite that simple if she's not working and he is. It's natural for the person (whoever they are) who is not working to take care of the home. The problem then gets more complicated, because it's not about independant responsibility anymore (which would be easy, just stop doing more than one's share), it's about respect and validation for the work done, which is a more complicated issue.

Even so, he needs to take ownership of the fact that HE is the one who threw them away. I would suggest that he should therefore be the one to go buy a new set. Since they are of such great importance, I'd suggest buying multiples so that there is always a spare available should one get misplaced again. If there is a valid reason why he can't go to the store himself (sensitives, scheduling), "I apologize", "Please" and "Thank you" should accompany the REQUEST that she purchase another.

OP: Speaking from my own experiences, looking back I can see a definite developmental delay -- almost like I had to cognitively learn maturity skills along with social skills. I usually figure an Aspie at age 35 is roughly equivalent maturity and independence -wise to an NT at about 21. . . although in this instance, I'd say considerably younger than that -- It sounds like there are some important things his folks didn't try to teach him, and that he still needs to learn. Also, it is entirely possible that he doesn't precisely know how to go get them himself. When you point out that he was the one who threw them out and he is the one that this is important to, mention what store(s) would likely carry the needed item and about how much he should expect them to cost. If he shows some reasonable sign of learning the error of his ways, maybe offer to go with him, but make him pick out what he wants and take it through the check-outs.

I don't think the lunchbox is the big issue here; it's that he has grown up with everybody doing everything for him, and now he expects you to do the same.

This happens sometimes with disabled kids: Their parents over-protect them, so they don't truly know how to take care of themselves and manage disability-related issues; so when they get out on their own, they either crash and burn or they find someone else to basically be a surrogate parent. If he has AS, that means his parents didn't ever teach him how to manage it himself; he was dependent on them and now he's gotten dependent on you. That he's an adult who has regular meltdowns but doesn't have so much as a decent meltdown strategy--even "I run to the nearest empty room and punch the walls instead of yelling at people"--tells me that his parents were either ignorant or neglectful or both. I'm not saying they were bad people; his parents' generation simply didn't know what autism was, for the most part; or believed it could only be severe and strikingly obvious. The idea that disability itself must be obvious and severe and tragic was also part of the culture of that time, more so than it is now. Many children went undiagnosed, with their autistic traits labeled character flaws and blamed on them; if they got help, it was usually because somebody with common sense figured out what problems they had and cobbled together solutions, often without the term "autism" ever coming up. His parents may have believed that he couldn't possibly be disabled; or may have known, but refused to seek help because of the stigma related to it.

If people with physical disabilities (say, paraplegia) were treated the same way, they'd have been refused wheelchairs on the presumption that they just didn't want to walk and had to drag themselves everywhere while being chewed out for not being as fast as everybody else; the lucky ones might have had perceptive parents modify a child's wagon as a conveyance... In your husband's case, he's had someone carry him everywhere all his life, and doesn't know how to get places on his own.

But because autism isn't physical, the needs aren't that obvious and this kind of thing still happens. Your husband may well be able to work only because you do everything else for him. I, at age 29, have independent living skills roughly equivalent to those of a 12-year-old child (some much better, some much worse, but that's the average). I've got my own apartment and I live alone, and sometimes it's a struggle. It's common for people with Asperger's type autism to have problems like this--not severe ones; if you have trouble with things like feeding yourself or using the toilet, they usually diagnose you with regular autism instead--but definitely much more trouble than people expect us to have.

If your husband has AS, he's going to have to work through a lifetime of the ideas he's absorbed from our culture--that disability is bad, that it makes you incompetent, that you're helpless and incapable, that you're a perpetual child. The fact is that he can learn how to deal with his own disability, but only if he knows that this is possible and if he knows that it will take effort to learn, and is willing to expend that effort. This decision is his responsibility. You can make him aware that he has to make it--but you can't make the choice for him, and you can't force him.

yes, the lunchbox issues is definitely a symptom, but it is also a learning opportunity.

The good news about Asperger's is we can learn.

Definately ... that's what I meant by saying the core problem is respect. There could be an arrangement they have if one person is working and the other isn't, and I think that's a valid arrangement (so long as nobody is forbidden from working, and so long as it works both ways, for whoever happens to be out of a job). But his spoiled behaviour and his lack of respect for what she does for him, isn't valid.

great forum and post , much help. thanks. He probably feels like his wife did it on purpose and/our didn't care enough to look after the things that are important to him. No i don't think its shows much love if the wife goes buy another lunch box set but it does shows that she cares but it's like taking a lazy short cut to calm him down so that she doesn't have to deal with him. The key is to be the most self less as possible and show love and care towards the husband. You have to try to get the husband to understand that even if you did lose it , that it was an honest mistake , and yes it makes things stressful but we have to move on with our lives . because the people who love him need him to be happy and so love as giving attention. Also he could be trying to teach you a lesson . He might feel that you need to learn a lesson while at the same time he can be in a bad mood to relieve stress and he might be thinking ( OH well if she doesnt' care than I Don't care ) . Try to see what lesson you need to learn , ask him , even if you feel that he needs to learn an even more important lesson .. be open and loving but stand your ground . and i say stand your ground not as a kid being bullied but as a person who loves them and will do whats best for him and the family. like a good parent who says no to there 5 year old child who ask for cake every day even though it breaks there heart to say no .. in the end result its true love because the child doesn't die at age 45 due to overweight . True Love is usually extremely hard to do. however it is nearly impossible in my personal opinion for someone to not count on someone to be there to give them what ever they want when a melt down is about to happen. It takes lots and lots of self reflecting to be able to not depend on that support. I personal think that I'm going to have to relay on God to make up for my (1-10 aged give me what I want stage) . Because I have a very hard time when i don't get what i want. i either get extremely depressed and give up on everything or I just go into attack mode. And I can't shake the (this is SHOULDN"T be like this etc... ) stage.

always have the attitude. ( what can i do better ) ( teach me ) ( i want to help).. it really helps when dealing with people with AS but you have to have to be completely honest and mean what you say . and if you can't do that than when all else fails Just be HONEST and tell him how you feel and The husband should understand even if he acts like he doesn't or doesn't care . he will feel loved that you made a honest effort to help and hopefully then self reflect and then once he see's you make a honest effort to change and do better he probably will come to you and apologize to you and the kids if not he probably believes that you are still not doing your best to change and that you are just acting like it to once again just get him to be in a good mood.. FIGHT ANGER WITH LOVE

It is a matter of showing respect. Often we don't correctly show what we feel. Even if he feels respect for his wife, and it is entirely possible that he feels great respect for her, he needs to understand that this is not how he is coming across. It sounds likely that he needs to hear in detail, but calmly and matter-of-factly, both how he is coming across, and less dysfunctional ways to achieve the goal. If he had not thrown out the rest of the set, he'd have his complete set now. If he had asked nicely, his wife would very likely have made the purchase already. Throwing a fit, and going on a hunger strike may have worked with his parents, but that isn't how the rest of the world does things.

Yes, if they have an arrangement where he works and she keeps the house, there is no problem with that. But if he's insisting that she buy the set for him because he doesn't know how to do it himself, he needs to learn how.

I've gotten plenty of awesome dishes out of the trash.

Basically, you gotta tell him how he's being illogical. Spit some logic back. Calmly.