Has ASD caused a relationship to break up?

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Briar.Rose
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10 Mar 2015, 5:47 pm

I'm new here, and have a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.
I was wondering if anyone else has had a relationship end because of their Autism/Aspergers?
Unfortunately I didn't get diagnosed as a child, and has been recent (20's), andcame after my relationship problem.
I was in a relationship for 6 years and was last year it ended, mainly because of my autistic behaviour, but some other causes not related brought it to an end, from his side. We still live together and he still cares for me the same as before, just our romantic relationship stopped. But my behaviour and way of acting/dealing with things is causing problems in this new relationship we have.
I just wondered if anyone else had similar problems and just wanted to hear their story.



dianthus
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11 Mar 2015, 6:19 pm

If you are still living together while the romantic relationship has ended, I'd say it's probably the awkwardness of that situation that is causing problems. Not your behavior in particular.



ToughDiamond
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12 Mar 2015, 11:12 am

dianthus wrote:
If you are still living together while the romantic relationship has ended, I'd say it's probably the awkwardness of that situation that is causing problems. Not your behavior in particular.

I agree, living with an ex is likely to have its own problems. I wouldn't want to live like that.

I can't be sure how much my autism had to do with my past relationship failures. The flashpoints that wrecked the relationships and the general conditions in those relationships were often rather different things. It's clear that my autism was sometimes harmful, but the thing that probably did more damage than anything else was my inability to judge "character," so I'd keep forming relationships with people I wasn't really compatible with.

Naturally, without much emotional intelligence I wasn't able to work at relationships very effectively. The more I learned about feelings, the better I did.



nick007
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12 Mar 2015, 2:26 pm

I screwed up my 1st two relationships by being controlling & overly dramatic due to my anxiety & OCD which are comorbids with my autism.


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Ettina
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12 Mar 2015, 2:51 pm

I don't think ASD itself causes a relationship to end, but lack of understanding of ASD, by the ASD person themselves and/or their partner, or difficulty accepting ASD can certainly damage a relationship.

If the ASD person is self-aware and willing to make an effort to make things work, and their partner is willing to make the effort to understand ASD and doesn't hold negative stereotypes about it, then ASD can't break up a relationship.



League_Girl
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12 Mar 2015, 3:17 pm

I think my autism had little to do with my breakups. It was mainly my ex's personality flaws and we were not compatible and none of them understood me and I didn't understand them. I did try to work them both out but they couldn't and the only way they could be worked out is if one of us changed and my first one didn't want to change at all, he just wanted to sit on his ass and play his computer all day long and he was not motivated to work or to get his license. I was like his mother.


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ZombieBrideXD
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12 Mar 2015, 6:41 pm

yep, he said i was too inappropriate.


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eggheadjr
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13 Mar 2015, 12:34 pm

Yes - more than once.

:(


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Joe90
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13 Mar 2015, 1:32 pm

OCD can cause break-ups in relationships, whether you're an Aspie with it or not. I don't have OCD, but I'm scared my hyperactivity and disorganization/untidiness might cause a few issues. It depends on how much patience he has when I move in with him.

Also I seem to be having problems with picking up on this home maker stuff. In order to move out of my parent's house and in with a boyfriend, I need to have a few more skills, but I don't seem to be picking it up. Also lack of motivation and having trouble focusing on details seems to be a big factor of being so slow at picking it up. He's shown me how to use the washing-machine a couple of times, then the next day (while he wasn't there) I remembered how he showed me, and I wrote it down on a piece of paper so that it doesn't go out of my head and I can do it right when learning and getting used to using a washing-machine, then I won't need the bit of paper any more because it would be another thing stuck in my memory. But he's thrown the bit of paper away for some reason (he doesn't seem to like bits of paper lying around, even though I had put it neatly in the drawer of a desk).

Sometimes I feel he's the Aspie and I'm the NT :lol: . Well, that was a bit generalizing to say that, as even NTs have their own differences and quirks. But he seems to spend a lot of money on an interest of his, then wonders why he's in debt with his bills. His interest is history, and he likes to collect bits of history what are worth a lot of money, and he likes them set up in a certain way on a unit and don't like any of it moved. This is not an interest he shares with his friends, like many Aspies think it's how NT interests work. It's just something he's been doing for a few years, just for his own amusement.
Also he likes things a certain way in the fridge. Like once I was putting some beer bottles into the fridge (they were all the same), and he said ''no, face them all the same way so it looks neat'', so I had to make them facing front ways (with the label facing the front).

But anyway, I think I went off-topic there.


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Briar.Rose
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14 Mar 2015, 8:14 am

Ettina wrote:
I don't think ASD itself causes a relationship to end, but lack of understanding of ASD, by the ASD person themselves and/or their partner, or difficulty accepting ASD can certainly damage a relationship.

If the ASD person is self-aware and willing to make an effort to make things work, and their partner is willing to make the effort to understand ASD and doesn't hold negative stereotypes about it, then ASD can't break up a relationship.


Yes I agree with what you have said here. It is definitely a lack of understanding. I only wish I had got the diagnosis early on and not after the relationship had ended. Fortunately he is understanding and I am trying my very best to get help and support, and change things. I just wish I had been diagnosed as a child or even just a few years back.



existentialterror
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14 Mar 2015, 2:49 pm

I've had potential friendships break up, because the person's friends/loved ones were biased against me.



F10ona1
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14 Mar 2015, 3:56 pm

I'm in a similar situation. I'm living with my Ex. We only recently decided to separate and don't know how best to make separate living arrangements yet. We've got two little kids and as we're not arguing and the co-parenting relationship works on a functional level... We may continue to live together but as co-parenting friends.

ASD has had a huge impact on us as our son has been diagnosed officially with it and I'm now self diagnosed. It has made things very difficult, zero romance and no intellectual connection .... It's revealed a huge rift between us.