today I am struggling to cope with things

Post Reply New Topic

I am writing in the hopes that some young Aspies might be able to offer me some advice.

I am a Mum to two boys the eldest has some traits, ADHD, OCD, vocal tic but is undiagnosed, he has always been so energetic and full of life that I never realised until my younger 12 year old son was diagnosed, he is a different ball game.

I originally took my son to the Docs because I thought he had an attention problem, losing stuff getting detentions in school all the time for silly behaviour, shouting out silly phrases, having problems getting to do homework etc.

Since I have taken him it has been a downward spiral, now he is horrible to me and our little dog, so much so that I have to seriously consider getting the dog re-homed, though it would break my heart. He struggles even more with going to school and has refused to go on a couple of occassions. He asks me quite a lot do parents have a favourite child I tell him all the time that they don't and it's funny when you have the first you can't imagine loving anything else so strongly but its amazing that when the others come along you love them just as much.

When we visit the child psychotherapist, she tells me the strategies to use WHILE MY SON IS SITTING THERE!! !! surely that can't be right, she told me to ignore his silly behaviour and rudeness (even kicking the chair I was sitting in), so I think he is pushing all the time to see how far I can practice the strategies suggested by the Doc.

I can't understand how come things have gotten so bad in the past six months, he worries all the time about his appearance (he is trying to fit in with his school pals) and is constantly changing his mind about the style he should adopt, homework is even worth mentioning he is so far away from that it isn't even worth discussing.

Everything other than his computer is a downer, even booking a short break with his beloved much older sister (she's 27) hasn't brought a smile. I just feel like I'm doing this all wrong, I can't go to my husband, he too is an undiagnosed Aspie and he is doing so well by just not losing it completely with our son. Am I handling it all wrong maybe it would have been better not taking him for a diagnosis and just letting him be who he is. What can I do to make him happier?

Hi Judy,

I just read your message and I really feel for you. I am 26 and although I always knew I was 'different', my parents didn't bother pursuing any diagnosis or medical intervention, so it didn't become apparent that I had AS until I was 24!

Regarding your message - I really wish that I could offer you some great advice or give you the 'answer', but I can't do that as I am still in the process of figuring out answers to my own questions and issues.

The main thing that I wanted to say was WELL DONE! You obviously care very much about your family - this is very clear from your message. I think that you are doing the right thing to seek medical help and also to seek advice from websites such as this.

My parents were physically and emotionally abusive to me (I now realise, looking back that they both have undiagnosed ASD and psychological issues of their own), so it is wonderful to read of someone like you who clearly cares so much for your family.

I think the best advice I can give you is to keep researching, keep asking different doctors and therapists - this is the only thing that has helped me to understand things as when I finally find information that explains things and makes them make sense, it really helps.

A couple of other things to bear in mind. You should seek a therapist (if you already haven't ) who is very knowledgeable and experienced of helping people with AS. There is research that shows (and I can verify this from my own experience and that of many aspies I have spoken to) that 'standard' counselling can be unhelpful, or even damaging to people on the autistic spectrum as our brains are 'wired up' differently and also our experience of day to day events and how we view our lives and our past is different from than of neuro-typical people. So it is important to have a therapist who is aware of this and can give appropriate advice and help.

Regarding education issues - is it worth getting your son assessed for additional difficulties such as dyslexia or dyspraxia? These commonly go with autism spectrum disorders and can add to the confusion and difficulty that we experience - particularly at school and with general organisational skills.

I didn't get diagnosed as dyslexic and dyspraxic until I was 24. I also found out that I had Irlen syndrome (a kind of visual disturbance). This explained the difficulties that I had been experiencing for years - and before I thought it was just me. I was even disciplined for these difficulties by my parents and teachers who thought I just wasn't trying hard enough, or was being lazy or silly to get attention. So perhaps these issues are worth exploring, just in case they may be causing additional problems.

I guess the last thing to say is don't give up. Keep trying and don't give up on anyone in your family. I am thinking of you and wish you all the best. You sound like a fantastic mother!

P.S. The chatroom is very useful if you want to meet other aspies of varying ages, and parents sometimes use it too - I have found it very helpful and people are generally really friendly.

Thank you for your reply, you have given me some good advice, the people we have seen appear very generalised, I am visiting a parent support centre that I found information about next week. so maybe they will have details of other psychotherapists we could use instead.

I'm afraid that I can't offer you much in the way of constructive advice, but I'll do what I can.

If your son is 12 then it may be difficult to distinguish between any aspie behavior and normal adolescent behavior. In the face of a new diagnosis I'm sure it's easy to focus on that alone and give less thought to the fact that your son is going through another very rough transition, from a child to an adult, and that coupled with an asperger's diagnosis could make him feel very confused and disoriented. I know that when I learned about AS 2 years ago at age 24 it was pretty disorienting, it forced a complete revision of my world-view which I'm still coming to grips with, to go through the same thing at age 12 would, I think, be much more difficult; at that age the pressure to fit in and be normal is very strong and to be told in essence that you're not normal and never really will be is likely to cause a lot of stress which due to your son's AS is likely to manifest itself in unusual or unpredictable ways.

I'm afraid that I don't have much to offer in the way of pragmatic solutions for any of this, all I can say is hang in there, you're doing great so far, that you care enough to come here looking for advice is proof of that.