Are friendships painful for you?

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This seems like such a terrible thing to say. But friendships are often painful for me. The reason is because I'm so different. It's hard for me to enjoy things most people can. Spending time with people in person, traveling, being at a theme park, etc. The things other people do or or want to do make me feel alienated. A major subject is romantic partners. Seems almost everyone wants one. I'm such an incomplete person, lacking the ability to express myself or function, that I know a relationship would be foolish for me. Honestly, I might just not into that kind of thing either. My point is that in so many ways, big and small, people continually remind me I'm not like them. It's not intentional but it does make me feel isolated and broken. Broken because I should be able to enjoy the things they do but I can't.

I also continually doubt whether the other person likes me or gets anything out of our conversations. Not only as a result of my low self-esteem, but also my personal difficulty at enjoying friendships. People probably want to talk to someone who jokes around constantly and has an interesting life. Even if they don't mind that I'm more serious, it's still incredibly draining. I have a tendency to make myself vulnerable by opening up. It's brutal when that goes badly. But let's say things go smooth, we seem to get along... no matter what there is some ambiguity left. Usually people just say nice stuff to me when I say it to them first. Either way, they could just be polite. Or, they actually do like me. That doesn't mean there is any guarantee the smallest thing couldn't change that.

I don't know how people do it. I never have enough things to say. I never know how they'll respond. I don't want to hurt them and I don't want them to hurt me. And it's so easy for that to happen regardless if either of us intend it. I know I'm not a whole enough person for dating but maybe I'm not whole enough for friendship either.

Are friendships painful for anyone else? Have you ever had to tell anyone you just can't do it anymore?

I'd like to hear any thoughts you have concerning friendships and how you handle other people in general. Feel free to write as much as you want.

I've had some pretty painful friendships in my time.

Don't give up on them, though.

I relate to all this very much. What makes it even more difficult is that I LONG for a friendship so, so much. But it seems there's just nobody capable of offering the type of friendship I need. I'm very lucky to have an online friend who so far has put up with my many flaws, but I feel there are many things I can't bother her with, things I would love to share with a close friend. I've had such a close friend only once in my life, and I was around twelve. (I'm 38, now.) I'm fearing that such a type of friendship only exists in childhood and then only in exceptional circumstances...even that close friend moved on and lost all interest in me long ago. Perhaps that friendship was merely a fluke, and there's just nobody else out there for me.

And I shan't even get started on relationships... -_-

I have much, much more I could say, but 1. oh goodness, SO much to say, I hate how longwinded I can get! ;_; and 2. I have to get to bed now. Perhaps I will say more later. Just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone in having such feelings.

It really sucks when the thing you want more than almost anything else in the world is the very thing that hurts you the most.

They´re painful, because I never know if friends really like me. Some of my very good friends have been inviting me very often to fine dinners and they willingly enjoy my plain dinners and we often do small things together, but I can´t seem to believe, that they really are fond of me - and that´s very injust towards them. I simply have a hard time believing, that I´m good enough, interesting enough and so on and I´m afraid, that one day - out of sheer uncertainty, I´ll do something, that puts them off.
Low self esteem.
Actually it has become worse since dx, - because I feel more different/insufficient,- like a teen - at 61!

I find friendships to be a lot of work but I do enjoy spending time with the few friends I do have.

No. I just had some connections where people try to use me, so I ended these.

Friendships are often painful and hard work, but don't give up, like all relationships they take time to develop and deepen. Before you meet someone who you can really relate to and who relates to you on the same level, you will almost certainly have to get through quite a few mere acquaintances. Actually, the sign of a good friendship is when you don't feel you have to talk to each other and joke all the time, but can just spend time together without saying much. You say you're serious: well, personally I love the company of people who can have a serious conversation and open up, someone who has the courage to make themselves vulnerable has real substance, they're worth knowing.

You sound whole enough to me.

A friendship can be difficult, but people really seem to think I am a good friend to think. Sometimes I spoke to a mutual friend of a friend of mine and she told me my friend thinks highly of me. It was a bit difficult to believe first, but I decided for myself it is probably true.

But when I do not meet certain friends in a long time I get the idea I am a bad friend. But that also seems to be normal in the phase of life of most people around me (small kids, less time for friends, etc.)

Not painful so much as stressful and frustrating and dissatisfying, to the point that I inevitably just lose patience with it. But yeah I've had to deliberately end a few (vs. letting them fade out which is what happens to most.)

To give an example, the last really close internet friendship I had only lasted a few months. In the beginning we seemed really sympatico...we were going through similar situations and spent a lot of time chatting. It felt very supportive. But after awhile, we started looking at our situations in kind of opposite ways. It created a lot of friction between us. I felt like she just didn't see things from my perspective at all. Which was weird because it had started out so different. It actually got to the point that I felt like she was patronizing me or insulting me every time we talked. I finally had to just end it. Actually, I ended it twice, because the first time I second guessed myself and thought maybe I had been too hasty. But, nope. I just couldn't find any common ground with her anymore.

I think back on it and really can't remember why I liked her to start with. I was probably not in my right mind at the time. I think some people just have this knack for coming across like they are being super nice and friendly and caring, and she could do that with the best of them, but in reality she was finding fault with me. When we talked, she was constantly rating people on how "evolved" she thought they were (compared to herself). Well the more (and more and more and more ) I heard about that, the more I realized she was rating me too.

Friendships are built on what you have in common. I believe most friendships are probably only meant to be for a season. They are for when you go to school together, or work together, or share some other common situation or circumstance. To extend beyond that, you have to find more in common, and/or really enjoy each others' company. I'm an oddball so I just don't find many people I have a lot in common with.

When I DO find someone I really hit things off with, I get way too excited because it's so rare. I'm likely to open up and share too much, too quickly, and put myself in a really vulnerable position. If the other person doesn't reciprocate, I feel like I'm just hanging out there on a limb with no support (the good ol' "I tOld ThIS PerSOn alMOsT mY eNtIre LifE SToRy aNd tHey SAid oNLy TWO thINGs?! WTF? @#(&($%*@)! !"). And I can't read people who aren't straightforward with me. I will either get bored and lose interest, or else become so anxious about it that I just don't want to talk to them anymore.

I can't do things halfway, or on and off at different times. It's kind of all or nothing with me. Wide open or guarded. I need to form a strong bond with a person to really enjoy being around them. Otherwise the little differences I have with a person (or maybe BIG differences) will add up and really begin to irritate me, until it just eats my nerves up. I mean say for instance, if I talk to someone pretty often and we're very familiar with each other...then I can see past those little things they do that annoy me, because I get used to it. It's a recognizable pattern, and some of the things that annoy me might even become really endearing.

But if a person talks to me off and on at different times, especially if it's unpredictable, it's jarring to hear from them again. It's like a bomb dropping on me...oh yeah here's so and so again!! ! and I totally forgot how they do this little thing, and that little thing!! ! and I have no idea how to respond to this! what does THAT mean? WTF is going on! How do I talk to this person?! I feel utterly confused. I feel like I have to take the time to get to know them all over again...and then bam! they are gone again! And I have no idea when I will hear from this person again! So I start thinking, what's the point?!

It takes quite a bit of brain space and mental energy to remember how people are and remember how to interact with them. And I'm not investing that in someone who just breezes in when they feel like it. lol So I kind of expect a certain level of commitment from a person. I want a dedicated connection. And I think people sense that about me, even if I don't come right out and say it. I think it puts some people off, because likewise they don't want to invest themselves either. I think most people take friendship more casually than I do.

In short, unpredictability stresses me out, and having too many differences can be frustrating, and if I get too stressed out I will end things.

No.

Friendships are wonderful for me.

Truly.

I couldn't imagine life w/o the magic & love of the friendships I have.

I read and appreciate all the responses and encouragement.

Just to be clear, I love my friends. But that doesn't make it easier. It can make it harder if you care too much. You always think about what to say. Then you say it and worry it was the wrong thing. People respond to you and their words carry ambiguity nearly every time. You'd ask for clarification but you don't want to put pressure on them or come off stupid. I can rarely tell if someone likes me. If one week they tell me they do, it's hard to know a month later if that's still true. Perhaps they've become bored of me. They have so many other friends. Friends they joke with and do things with. People who are normal compared to me. Practically everyone is normal compared to me. When they first started to talk to me I may have seemed more normal than I am. Maybe they're realizing I'm actually different and strange. I become afraid to say things and afraid to ask them questions. Sometimes people get upset when you ask questions. I feel like I have to pretend to be more normal. Or at least hide being different. Even around people who I started talking to because I relate to them. Because eventually everyone is normal put against me.

I get so overwhelmed by it all. I wish I could be casual. Take things in stride. But everything matters too much. Meaning is the greatest gift and worst curse in the world. It weighs so heavy on the soul.

Logically, when I get like this, I should watch a movie or do something distracting till I calm down. It seems like a simple solution. Except that nothing is ever really simple for me. Another thing I don't have in common with most people. Maybe it's a result of too many connected neurons. Still, I think what you folk are saying is right. I should try not to end friendships because of my own insecurities and anxieties.

Similar to what Dianthus said, the rare occasions when I show a lot of interest in a person, it always seems to scare or bore them away. Even the people who have things in common with me have other, more mundane stuff they want to talk about most of the time, and have other, more normal friends to talk with. I don't get very excited about getting to know many people (I hate saying it, but most people bore me ). So for me to blow it the very few times it does happen is really crushing.

And then like you there's all the doubt when there's somebody who DOES seem to like me. Like the one online friend I have. (I could probably have at least another one, if I weren't so chicken to reply to him, he probably hates me by now. ) I take months just to reply to her. She always replies to me though. It might take her a while, but she does. We've even met in person twice (the only online person I've ever met) and both times it went very well. Her reliability doesn't seem to matter, though. I'm just SO USED to people telling me one thing, and then doing another--one day saying they're my friend, then forgetting I exist the next--that I always expect the same to happen here. I'm not even exaggerating when I say this is how almost every single "friendship" I've ever had has gone. People just forget I exist, stop caring, or outright begin to ignore me and I never know why.

I've experienced many abortive attempts at friendship from people who gave up on me within a couple of weeks when it was made painfully clear I wasn't the "interesting" person they thought I was. I have no clue why these people write to me in the first place. I'm not interesting in the least, unless one shares my interests. I don't WANT to engage in nothing but idle smalltalk. I'm not trying to be rude, I just have no interest in it, and nothing to say--it's agonizing trying to think of such empty things to say. What are you supposed to smalltalk about when you have no life? So when the conversation fizzles out, the other party stops writing to me in disgust, often after expressing how, well, they TRIED to be friends with me. (Hinting at how ungrateful I am for ignoring the pity bone they tossed me. That's what these seem like to me--pity friendships. Because real friendships sure don't seem like they should feel like this.)

Many people have even put time limits on how long I have to totally trust and open up to them before they'll just start ignoring me completely. Alarm bells go off in my head now whenever a person shows an undue amount of interest in getting to know me...those people are always the worst offenders. I can fully expect to never hear from them again if I bother replying.

I'm a big question-asker too, and have a great need for near-constant validation, but I've learned the hard way to keep my mouth shut...thus whenever these friendships invariably end I never know what it was I did wrong. And also in line with what Dianthus said, I can't stand the off-and-on of certain friendships--I want it to be either off, or on, not both! In the past I've had people fall out of touch for YEARS and then suddenly write to me all cheery like nothing ever happened--it makes me so angry, by then I've resigned myself to never hearing back from them, why do they open that wound again? And if I reply, they leave me hanging AGAIN!

--digression--
I got such an e-mail about a month ago, in fact, from a guy who got in touch with me years ago, chattered a bit, then ignored me for a month or so (back then I wasn't so avoidant about replying), then wrote to me out of the blue again; I told him to (expletive) off and lose my address. Years go by, and then bam, here he is in my inbox, asking if I'm still alive, "just to put his mind at ease." How thoughtful that the only reason he replied after YEARS of silence was to put his own mind at ease! "Yeah, I've been doing very well, though not really, in fact I've been doing pretty poorly, thanks a lot for asking." Of course, I never replied; I like to hope he does fear that I'm dead.
--end digression--

But ANYWAY. Even with the very few who do stay on good terms with me, all I can think is...why? What do they see in me? I have nothing to offer. I'm not a good friend. I'm so dull and hopeless. I do nothing that captures anyone's interest for more than a passing moment, if even that. I'm avoidant and distrusting and unreliable and even though I at least try to be courteous and empathic, still, there are so many other people who could offer far more than I ever could. I feel...too broken to be a good friend, or even a mediocre one.

So that leaves me wondering what anyone could possibly get out of befriending me and STAYING my friend.

An old friend I had in school recently expressed interest in getting back in touch, but she did that before and then stopped writing, and when we run into each other she never really seems enthusiastic to see me, so even though this time I promised I would write, it's been a few weeks now and I haven't. All I can keep thinking is, why? She has somebody else she can turn to. She doesn't need me. What could I even say to her? All I have is my dumb interests, which I'm pretty sure she doesn't share; everything else in my life is painful and depressing. All I could do is bring her down, and, to be honest, I'm still hurting over the last two times she left me hanging. I'm lonely, but I don't want to go through that again. I'm tired of my friendship meaning nothing. I'm tired of putting my own emotions through the wringer, agonizing over what to do or say, when in the end, I'll probably never hear from this person again anyway, so what does any of it matter?

I greatly value friends, too...it's just that, aside from this online friend (and there's a lot I don't dare share with her, don't want to scare/bore her off), it's been so long since I've had any who bothered sticking around, that there hasn't been much for me to value. But aside from them reaching out to me and then giving up in the blink of an eye, that's not their fault. I'm the faulty one. Nobody wants or needs a broken friend.

I surround myself with disclaimers and warning signs now, to keep people away and try to avoid disappointment on both ends...doesn't always work, but at least I tried to warn them.

...

And yeah, that wasn't even all I had to say...but I think I've blathered long enough. Another big part of the reason I don't keep friends. ;_;

Sorry this is so stupidly long. I don't expect anyone to read through it all.

I think it's interesting that a lot of the "pain" of friendship is deep rooted insecurity. I have my issues there as well. Being socially engaged for the sake of it is annoying, but finding people I truly want to befriend is nerve wracking. I tend to really throw a wrench in it, and most people don't have the patience to deal with my fumbling.

Yeah, I can relate to this.
I do enjoy having (or trying to have) friends, but when I'm with them I'm usually overburdened doing things that I don't enjoy and forcing myself into a contact that most of the times doesn't feel natural for me.

Just a thought that crossed my mind just now so I figured I'd share:

I've observed (and so have ASD doctors/researchers) that it seems ASD people have a much easier time relating to children or seniors than their own peer group.

I have amazing friendships with all the little guys in my life, especially my high school best friends' kids who are 7 & 3 years old. I have also gotten along well with people much older than me for my entire life. It's worked out well at times working in the service industry serving people 30-40 years older than me, and my 93yo grandmother enjoys my visits. I foresee it also working out to my advantage in business when dealing with senior clients. Over most of my life I haven't really gotten along nearly as well with my own peer group for various reasons & found it most difficult to relate to them - however - now at this stage of my life, and health, I get along with them better than I ever have and consider many of my coworkers to be friends, or at least work friends even if we never ever hang out outside of work.

Anyways, my point.. maybe some here might find that if they focused their efforts on children or seniors that they might find they make a friend or two they can talk to and spend time with? Re: kids, I mean kids in your lives.. relatives, friends kids etc. OR if you're suitable for it, perhaps working with children at a school/youth group/scouts/big brothers etc of some sort. Obviously one has to not be a creepy pedobear type for that to be advisable. Even if you're Not a pedo at all, if you're the type that others assume is up to no good around kids & have been accused of being creepy etc then maybe this isn't such a good idea. Just saying. So many of us are just overgrown kids at heart that it's so easy to play with kids and have fun. A couple weeks ago I was building hot wheels race car tracks w/ the 3yo & racing cars all evening w/ him and his big sister while their mom was at the gym and their dad was in his office working. We all had tons of fun.

On the other end of the age spectrum, you could do some volunteer work at a seniors centre & hang out with some old folks if you're the type to get along with them better. Could make for some good conversations & life lessons for you, and company for them. I've read, and it makes sense, that seniors are more ASD friendly because they tend to be patient and listen to us little professors vs. get annoyed by us. Makes sense since they're old and mellowed out and don't tend to lead busy work lives any more that result in low patience levels. Also, I bet they're just happy to have someone to talk to. With the boomer population there are a LOT of seniors out there who are probably quite lonely and could use a friend just as much as you could. So, it might be worth exploring.

Maybe if I was socially capable I'd do well with young people or seniors. I often find myself somewhere between a child at heart and a philosophical observer of the world. But, because I'm not adequately functional in terms of social skills, I don't do well with anyone. I wish that were an exaggeration. I'm glad you're able to enjoy their company. Seems like it would be a great experience for you.

On and off friendships are very confusing. Like this one guy I used to talk to a lot. It was never easy to tell if he liked me. It still isn't now. But he'll write to me on occasion telling me his latest actress crush. Which, hey, that's fine. It's nice to hear he's still breathing and has something positive on his mind. I don't mind hearing about actresses. What bugs me is the feeling that I'm just some sort of wall for him to bounce his thoughts off of. He'll tell me things yet whatever I write back seems unimportant. Another guy does the same thing. Only to a worse extent. Truthfully I like them both. If it's mutual at all then they have no desire to make it obvious.

I already said multiple times how different I feel. It's because so little feels like anything remotely resembling natural. Conversations in real life flow like water through a clogged drain. Joking, expressing myself freely, these things are practically unknown. So there is this deep rooted insecurity that I simply can't be a quality friend. Sure, I can talk online. But the combination of damaged self-esteem, negative confirmation bias, and a lack of similar abilities and accomplishments make it a struggle to feel like things are ever really going well.

If I consider someone a friend they no doubt made me feel good for at least a moment. That does mean something to me. I'd never say otherwise. Similar to the gratitude I feel for people who reply. I actually love long replies in particular. It makes me not feel quite as different.

It's just hard to have that desire to express, to connect, to know others and grow close to them, and for it to be so completely difficult. Movies help. Writing of any kind helps. But I sometimes can't help wanting that stimulating and comforting feeling that a friendship can provide.