The site where they BASH Aspie husband and wives. :O

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http://forums.delphiforums.com/n/main.a ... 2133606931

For example:

"There's simply nothing in this for me since I stopped being his special interest....not one of my needs are met, I rarely laugh anymore (ever)...this marriage is just nonstop misery. I never get a break from him, ever....we work together so he is always five feet away from me. I have to hide to post on this forum!!

For now, I stay because my children deserve NOT to live in poverty and that is my alternative (although frankly we are only barely getting by as it is, it might not be so very different except they will have to change schools and we would be on public assistance and lose our insurance)...it's so hard to know what to do. I cry almost every day.

I so wish I could warn other potential AS partners- do not, do not, DO not waste your precious life!! !! The pain is completely invisible to outsiders......once you're "in" and the Aspie has you safely under their control, no one in your life really knows what things are like for you except a few close friends. To the rest of the world, everything looks fine, and your unhappiness becomes your own private grief to bear. It is compounded by guilt- you are dealing with someone who is genuinely disabled, who in many ways cannot even comprehend how or why you are even affected by their behavior, who refuses to accept even the tiniest fraction of responsibility for their own behaviors and the consequences of them. At some point you come to feel as if your Aspie has attached themselves to you as some sort of emotional parasite- sucking away every precious drop of your energy, patience, money, time and happiness.

Sometimes it is all just too much. I want my old life and my old self back, with all the opportunities and joys I used to take for granted. Oh how I wish I could undo this terrible mistake without causing still more damage....."

Makes one wonder what your wife/husband says about you, doesn't it?

Well...this lady doesn't know much about being poor with kids; they'd have insurance (assuming US) but public assistance isn't that easy to get, you can't have assets, and most places have waiting lists for assisted housing.

I do feel for her, though. My dad's wife's been in a similar situation for a long time, and it's bad enough without kids. It's really changed her.

I'd say if you're wondering about it, you'd better ask, but only if you're prepared to hear some things you don't want to hear without going to pieces, and to try to do something about it. (Counselors can be good help with both of those.) In almost every marriage there are things each partner's just putting up with -- the question is how serious is it.

Don't be offended...That's such a neurotypical reaction...to a neurotypicall person it looks like she is being "rude" but to my autistic identity she is correct...I am always hurting my girlfriend emotionally and I don't really understand how. And I often feel marriage would be non stop misery for her...I get so stressed, overwhelmed, confused, irritated, I shutdown every two months, loose interest and have trouble communicating consistently. It really wears on her.

She has my sympathies as well.
She is suffering a great deal.
We can be very challenging to live with, undoubtedly.

NB: My intention for this thread was to make WP users aware of the existence of the verbalization of this kind of anger/frustration/anti-ASD sentiment AND that they are talking about us behind our backs in VERY negative ways.

We should be aware of what they are doing and saying about us.

Meh...doesn't bother me in the slightest especially if there's some truth to it. I don't see it as people talking behind our backs in" very negative ways"...they are just venting frustrations, they are allowed to do that. Your not hurt if something doesn't hurt you.

She is to my mind dishonest. She pretends to be helpless but her preoccupation with blaming a neurological condition that in fact does vary is increasing the amount of prejudice in the world.

I know because I know there are those who label me a drain and difficult as she does her husband. And for them, that's what I am. Exhausting, sucking them dry, disabled and contributing minimally.

Then there are other people who find me helpful, warm, and loving. And for them, that seems just as real. To them, I may be a bit high maintenance in the workplace, but do a pretty decent job. All in the perspective.

It's Mothers Day in the US and my daughter drew me something beautiful and wrote I'm the best mother ever in many more words, and means it.

People who want to add negativity to the world by bashing a class of individuals deserve each other, we don't need to help them.

That was a really loaded title. O: I feel as though she has not communicated enough details or maybe you haven't quoted all of them, for example, has she discussed this with her husband, has she tried to talk to him, have they been to a counselor, etc. She also seems to be judging all aspies on her experiences, a really hurtful quote from that is "once you're "in" and the Aspie has you safely under their control". I do not like that lady.

That's one of the reasons that I wish to avoid intimate relationships.

Meh, it's one person whining about their miserable relationship & projecting her view of Aspies on all Aspies vs. describing HER Aspie husband.

I'm not too worried about it in the least bit. Her misery has absolutely zero bearing on my present or future relationships.

Besides, if I gave a s**t about what she says then I'd have to give a s**t about what other people say about other things, i.e. gay relationships and so on and so forth - and there's zero chance of that happening, because I couldn't give a flying F less about what other people think about me being gay and eventually in a relationship with another guy.

It's really that simple. Just don't care what she says. Problem, if you had one with this, solved.

Nicely put, Goldfish☺️

What really pisses me off is that they can whine about us as much as they please, even on here! But heaven forbid we vent about them! Guess what nts, dealing with you ain't no walk in the park either!! !! !

Last edited by Skilpadde on 11 May 2014, 11:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.

It sounds like she is just blaming everything on her husband. The first line is very revealing: "since I stopped being his special interest." It sounds like she was okay with him being who he is when it worked for her. But since something changed she wants to vilify him. Very unfair and selfish attitude. No surprise it is making her miserable.

It looks like to me her husband started to neglect her when his special interest changed and she was his special interest. he went from a great partner to a cold neglectful one. It just looks like to me they aren't compatible anymore and she feels trapped because if she gets out, she will be poor and she doesn't want that lifestyle so if she stays in her marriage, she isn't in poverty so she is basically staying with him for his money and meal ticket. Only thing I didn't like about her post was when she started to say all aspies. It doesn't offend me what people write about their AS partners because it's their experience and how their partner's are and they are only speaking of one person with it. But when they start to generalize , that is when I take offense. I think what she says about AS is her basically talking about he husband so it gives me an idea what he is like. I don't know if she has ever tried talking to him or if he is just an ass and just doesn't care after she has talked to him.

Yeah. It's very comfortable for people in failing marriages to have an excuse to blame everything on the other person.

If they're upset that the person they married is the person they married, then I'd say that's their own fault. If they're upset because they couldn't change their spouse to be the person they wanted, then they're being immature.

But I bet most of these are just run-of-the-mill marriages going downhill, with one spouse seizing ASD as an excuse not to take responsibility.

Well, stop it. Find a way to stop hurting your girlfriend, or stop going out with her. Relationships shouldn't be sources of constant pain. If you love her, you'll find a way for this to stop. Simple as that.

Others have posted about ASpartners. But I think it's a bit paranoid to say they're talking "behind our backs" -- like Dreycrux said, they're venting to people who understand the problems they live with.

Waterfalls, whether someone finds another draining, difficult, warm, loving, etc has to do with more than perspective -- it also has to do with their relationship to that person, whether or not they have to work with that person and on what, who they are, what other stresses they might be under. As a husband and co-parent, my ex is hell for me to work with, often hurtful, and a chronic loose cannon, but if he were random guy in my department, I'm sure I'd once again find him pleasant to chat with, gentle, a little quirky and odd, very bright, and maybe a little sweet and lost. The woman who posted that thing about her husband is clearly hurting, and she's got no choice right now but to work with him day and night. I hope she manages to find a way out that doesn't harm her children.

No. They have children, and if she leaves, the children will suffer. It's not a joke for children to grow up in poverty -- it's dangerous and miserable, and while single moms can sometimes turn things around after a few years on their own, a few years of poverty is a long and formative time in a child's life. She's trying to stop that from happening, so she sacrifices her own happiness and is deeply miserable. She talks about having been "roped in" because he did a bait-and-switch, however unintentionally: he barrelled in like this great romantic guy, and then once they had kids -- hostages, essentially -- he wasn't interested anymore, went cold and neglectful, as you say.