My facial expression is getting me into trouble at work.

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hollowmoon
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24 Jun 2015, 11:03 pm

My lack of facial expressions are getting me into trouble. Everyone at my job in college hates me because of it. My boss told me if I don't "fix my attitude" then I will be let go. I asked the boss for specific examples of the attitude and she said. "It's little things." I asked her to elaborate on the little things and she started stumbling over her words and wouldn't answer. I asked a co-worker what she meant and she said I look extremely mad 100% of the time. It's not fair because I am in a good mood the majority of the time and get all the work done. I can't believe this is happening. What should I do?



OliveOilMom
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24 Jun 2015, 11:15 pm

Tell your boss that you just happen to have whats called a "bitchy resting face". It means that when you aren't talking or being animated that you look mad. Lots of people are like that. Tell him that you never really used a lot of facial expressions anyway, so you just look like that a lot. Tell him that he should ask if he thinks you are mad, but most likely you are not.

Also, ask him to write down a few examples of things you have done that show the attitude problem. Sometimes telling them "I seriously don't know what you mean but I don't mean to be that way and I can work on it if you give me some examples of what you are talking about". You are going to have to put forth the effort and go to your boss about this and bring up the topic to show that you take seriously what he said about it and that you want to do something about it. I don't think the lack of facial expression would cause you to get fired though, as long as you make the effort to talk to your boss about it. Also explain to your coworker. Also, try being somewhat friendly and pretending to be interested in the other people there.


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hollowmoon
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24 Jun 2015, 11:44 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
Tell your boss that you just happen to have whats called a "bitchy resting face". It means that when you aren't talking or being animated that you look mad. Lots of people are like that. Tell him that you never really used a lot of facial expressions anyway, so you just look like that a lot. Tell him that he should ask if he thinks you are mad, but most likely you are not.

Also, ask him to write down a few examples of things you have done that show the attitude problem. Sometimes telling them "I seriously don't know what you mean but I don't mean to be that way and I can work on it if you give me some examples of what you are talking about". You are going to have to put forth the effort and go to your boss about this and bring up the topic to show that you take seriously what he said about it and that you want to do something about it. I don't think the lack of facial expression would cause you to get fired though, as long as you make the effort to talk to your boss about it. Also explain to your coworker. Also, try being somewhat friendly and pretending to be interested in the other people there.


Would it be bad to ask for examples again? She was very vague said "you have a rude tone of voice" and when I asked what was rude about the tone of voice she got frustrated.



OliveOilMom
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25 Jun 2015, 12:03 am

hollowmoon wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Tell your boss that you just happen to have whats called a "bitchy resting face". It means that when you aren't talking or being animated that you look mad. Lots of people are like that. Tell him that you never really used a lot of facial expressions anyway, so you just look like that a lot. Tell him that he should ask if he thinks you are mad, but most likely you are not.

Also, ask him to write down a few examples of things you have done that show the attitude problem. Sometimes telling them "I seriously don't know what you mean but I don't mean to be that way and I can work on it if you give me some examples of what you are talking about". You are going to have to put forth the effort and go to your boss about this and bring up the topic to show that you take seriously what he said about it and that you want to do something about it. I don't think the lack of facial expression would cause you to get fired though, as long as you make the effort to talk to your boss about it. Also explain to your coworker. Also, try being somewhat friendly and pretending to be interested in the other people there.


Would it be bad to ask for examples again? She was very vague said "you have a rude tone of voice" and when I asked what was rude about the tone of voice she got frustrated.


No, it wouldn't be bad to ask again. Say something like "I'm not trying to be frustrating for you, I'm seriously trying to understand what you mean. I have trouble picking up on things sometimes and this is one of those things. I'd love to work on this problem if you can help me understand what you are talking about. I'm sure it's effecting me in my personal life as well as at work, so any help you can give me to help me understand would be appreciated". Then smile. Try to smile more, but not too much.


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olympiadis
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25 Jun 2015, 12:05 am

Quit. There's no way to win this one.
You can't wake the dead.



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25 Jun 2015, 3:01 am

olympiadis wrote:
Quit. There's no way to win this one.
You can't wake the dead.


So if he's having this problem at work, and more than one person say so, you don't think he's having it anywhere else?

Finding out something is "off" about ourselves and having the willingness to change it is how we go about succeeding in life. If I had never found out or listened to people who told me things were "off" about me and never worked on those things and others then I'd be living alone with a bunch of cats and afraid of people. Hell no.


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25 Jun 2015, 3:16 am

OliveOilMom wrote:
olympiadis wrote:
Quit. There's no way to win this one.
You can't wake the dead.


So if he's having this problem at work, and more than one person say so, you don't think he's having it anywhere else?

Finding out something is "off" about ourselves and having the willingness to change it is how we go about succeeding in life. If I had never found out or listened to people who told me things were "off" about me and never worked on those things and others then I'd be living alone with a bunch of cats and afraid of people. Hell no.

Yeah, running away just won't solve anything. I prefer your advice and will remember it as I've had comments similar to OP's before and will probably happen again. Your comments are blunt and straight to the point and a lot better than when I've asked before what it means.



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25 Jun 2015, 3:19 pm

Don't you just hate it when somebody gives you a general criticism and then has nothing to say when you ask for the details?

All I can suggest is, keep pushing for those details. A general criticism is useless.

Have you been diagnosed as autistic? And if so, does your boss know that?



olympiadis
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25 Jun 2015, 10:02 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
Don't you just hate it when somebody gives you a general criticism and then has nothing to say when you ask for the details?


They expect you to read their minds and automatically just know what to do.
They can't comprehend that you really don't know what they are talking about. It's an NT TOM issue.
You usually can't get anywhere with people like that.



OliveOilMom
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25 Jun 2015, 10:15 pm

olympiadis wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
Don't you just hate it when somebody gives you a general criticism and then has nothing to say when you ask for the details?


They expect you to read their minds and automatically just know what to do.
They can't comprehend that you really don't know what they are talking about. It's an NT TOM issue.
You usually can't get anywhere with people like that.


Yes, you can get somewhere with them. You are also expecting them to read your mind and understand that you don't know what they mean. You have to explain to them that you really don't understand what they mean and tell them they need to give you examples so you can work on it. They can't understand that we don't understand them. We can't understand that they think everybody else understands them. It's the same thing, just packaged differently. Usually when you explain the trouble you are having and ask for help correcting the problem, you get it. There is no reason to be offended by having to do that, they can't help not knowing that we don't "get" certain things, just like we can't help not "getting" them.

If the OP is adult about this and explains the situation and asks for the help he needs to solve it, then it will probably work out. Problems come about when people either won't take time to ask for explinations or get offended by having to and get emotional about it, or when the original person isn't trying to tell them what is wrong they are just trying to be an as*hole. Usually though, you can easily fix this.


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Waterfalls
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25 Jun 2015, 10:59 pm

When I was a teenager I was told to smile and I learned to do that, it seems to help some. However, especially for women there's an expectation of social ability and if you don't show it, people tend to believe it's intentional and get mad unless you can offer them an alternative explanation.



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25 Jun 2015, 11:19 pm

Think of happy things so you can smile.


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olympiadis
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26 Jun 2015, 12:47 am

OliveOilMom wrote:
Yes, you can get somewhere with them. You are also expecting them to read your mind and understand that you don't know what they mean. You have to explain to them that you really don't understand what they mean and tell them they need to give you examples so you can work on it. They can't understand that we don't understand them. We can't understand that they think everybody else understands them. It's the same thing, just packaged differently.


Your logic is flawed. It's not the same situation at all.
The OP already asked verbally for specifics.

The boss has expressed that they don't like how the OP looks, their tone of voice, their perceived attitude, and has shown no serious intent to help the OP understand and make corrections.
More likely the NT will only become more frustrated, or even infuriated, if they are asked to explain themselves logically.
Communicating information in a specific manner is not the same thing as speaking in vagaries.
I've been through this too many times before. The NT will refuse or avoid any logical approach to the problem because they have already made up their minds about the entire situation and see their role as just to sit back and see if you fix their perceived problem.



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26 Jun 2015, 1:11 am

It's just a misunderstanding. Some people are purposely rude if they don't like their job and that's what they think OP is doing. If you explain you have a genuine difficulty and be polite and ask for their help they can change their mind. You have a very generalised view of "NTs".



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26 Jun 2015, 2:20 am

olympiadis wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Yes, you can get somewhere with them. You are also expecting them to read your mind and understand that you don't know what they mean. You have to explain to them that you really don't understand what they mean and tell them they need to give you examples so you can work on it. They can't understand that we don't understand them. We can't understand that they think everybody else understands them. It's the same thing, just packaged differently.


Your logic is flawed. It's not the same situation at all.
The OP already asked verbally for specifics.

The boss has expressed that they don't like how the OP looks, their tone of voice, their perceived attitude, and has shown no serious intent to help the OP understand and make corrections.
More likely the NT will only become more frustrated, or even infuriated, if they are asked to explain themselves logically.
Communicating information in a specific manner is not the same thing as speaking in vagaries.
I've been through this too many times before. The NT will refuse or avoid any logical approach to the problem because they have already made up their minds about the entire situation and see their role as just to sit back and see if you fix their perceived problem.


I've been through it for 51 years myself and while at first they don't give you the answer that you want because they don't understand what you mean, but when you explain that you really don't understand and need examples, then most people will comply.

You also seem to embody every single characteristic you want to accuse NT's of having. Being judgmental, assumptions, not willing to give anyone a chance, etc.

People are people, NT's or AS. The only difference between us is that we have AS and they don't. It really is something that can be discussed. Of course thats assuming you approach others in a courteous way and aren't a super douche to them when they tell you the first time. If someone said "Forget it, you won't help me!" and stomps off in some self righteous huff, then of course nobody is going to help him. I've had people be as*holes to me when I've explained and asked for examples, but usually they have complied. Then again, I was nice and understanding about it to them, so maybe that was why.

Either way, if the OP asks again, nicely, and explains that he really doesn't understand what his boss means and asks for examples so he can fix the problems, he will probably get what he asks for.


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CryosHypnoAeon
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26 Jun 2015, 6:18 am

Aww, I really feel for you.

I think this is what happens to me often.
Yet they won't tell me. They just fire me.

NTs only go by appearances.
They are turds on legs.

I really feel this way.