Struggling and need someone to read this

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I don't know why but I've been wanting to come back here and write my thoughts down again but I've been scared to. I think it's because I don't think anyone would care. But, for some reason, it's lifting to get out of my head and write my thoughts into words and bring it into reality. I feel I'm in my head so much, and I am, that sometimes I don't exist. That my thoughts here aren't real, that they're not important, that they're stupid, that I'm stupid, that I have nothing to say, that I'm worthless and pathetic and untalented and ret*d. It's an awful feeling to have when I think back to having those thoughts about myself, and how awful they are to even have them or consider them about myself, and I wonder if anyone else has these thoughts or if I'm the only one and that that's why my life is so boring, pathetic, uneventful, and why I've dropped out of school many times and quit my part-time jobs many times and have no friends or have ever had a girlfriend.

Why would I want to keep coming back here, why do I want to just talk about everything that I think is wrong with me? I just want to be what I envision and I think I'm this awesome person but then I go to a family event or my job or any social thing and I'm forced to talk and say my words out loud and I realize I'm not this awesome person and that I'm in fact a loser and I leave all this events feeling like crap about myself and never want to be social again; that I just want to stay by myself, with my books, and my TV, and my writing and pseudo-version I have about myself that no one can understand but me because when I try to act or talk in the cool and clever way that I think I do it just comes out like I'm ret*d and socially-awkward and I feel I'm trapped in my head with this idea of myself that no one else can see because I don't know how to show it. It sucks and I get depressed and I'm starting to realize now that there is a difference from the moment people first meet me they expect me to be normal and social and fun but then they recognize something and I don't talk with them again in the same way. It's like they avoid me. It's like people see something else that I'm not seeing and like there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just living in my head too much and I have this version of me that only I see and everyone else just sees an inferior and more handicapped version; I don't know but it sucks and it scares me and makes me want to kill myself; like, what if I'm ret*d and everyone's just playing along and being nice and not telling me and I'm just stuck in my head and have this bliss about myself that no one else sees but no one wants to talk about because they're going, "Hey he's ret*d and confident about himself why should I be the one to let him down and tell him or hurt his feelings?"

At work and at social events I see how everyone is talking with each other and it's normal and fun and natural and then they get to me and it's always different. They don't look at me, they avoid me, the conversations don't flow as naturally as I see other people when they do it. I try to wonder what everyone else sees when they look at me and I see they see some quiet kid, who's twenty-three, working at McDonald's and never talks and has dropped out of college and that when he does talk it comes out as illogical and gibberish and they always have to ask "What?" again or they just end up leaving while I'm trying to talk to them and there's not even a break or a goodbye. At work I just stand there and unless there's something simple and logical that I can do and that I can understand and that's specific enough I can do it, but if there's something like coming up with an idea on my own, like stocking materials without having someone to tell me or starting a conversation with someone and not having seem forced, that's what I fail at; I need to know what I have to do and it has to be specific. I can't just stand there and have them expect me to know what to do if they at first didn't tell me what to do. Something vague like, just make sure the place is cleaned and stocked, is not specific enough. That little speck of dirt all over the counter, that half-full stock of merchandise that needs replenished? That all looks fine to me but then when the manager comes over and tells me to clean it and stack more cups he talks to me like I'm an idiot and like I didn't see what was wrong. But I did see what was wrong and I just didn't think it was "dirty enough" or "low enough" and I was just waiting until when it became urgent to do it. If they're going to be vague like that, they need to tell me, okay if it gets to "here" fill it or if it gets "this dirty" clean it. I didn't think it was dirty or that it needed stock, I didn't think it was enough yet, they were too vague, and then it's my fault that it wasn't done and they had to tell me do it.

I feel at work I just stand there and brisk back and forth talking to myself in my head while everyone else is doing work and something useful and I just have to wait for customers to take their f*****g orders. The new guy comes in and he's seventeen and I'm supposed to be smarter and better than them at this and they're already at drive thru and moving at a hundred miles an hour and I'm still at the front just acting like a ret*d. It's f*****g embarrassing. I feel I'm smart, too smart, and I think I'm realizing it might just all be in my head. I like to read, I like to write, I like to figure out problems, and be logical and do math just for fun but when it comes to being social and doing anything involving my motor-skills or doing any kind of application out in the real world that any "normal" person could do I just fail and want to kill myself afterwards. It really sucks. Like, what if I am just trapped in my head and I'm unable to talk or act in the way that I want because I'm disabled or handicapped or something and everyone is just being too nice to tell me? If I'm not able to say or show that I'm being hurt by someone emotionally, then aren't they just going to think he's just John, he's ret*d and doesn't understand, because I never talk about it or show it even though it's all in my head and the only way I'm able to say it is in this post because I can think clearly and and express my thoughts freely?

I always have felt that something was wrong with me. I always read on posts by celebrities or someone with a mental illness that people always say, "oh yeah, I knew something was wrong with me from as young when I was five and had this and this experience," but I can't remember that far. I can remember maybe one or two instances from when I was eight or less than ten but that's it. My whole life I've just been told I was normal and I was in normal public school (not special-ed) but I never remembered having real friends or a social life. I stayed at home and played games in my head and on the computer and maybe had one friend who was my neighbor but we stopped hanging out when junior high came around and I don't know why; maybe I just liked being alone more. My uncle and aunt were all I really hanged out, that and my other family members as well, and they were rich and would make me laugh and it was fun and I never felt anything was wrong with me. I always just felt something was wrong with everyone else because in my head I was normal, if I then acted in the real world, and I did something wrong, I would blame them not me but it kept happening and it keeps happening and I feel I might be asperger's or ret*d or just not know it. I feel trapped in my head and unable to express my thoughts in actions or words about my emotions because I'm unable to. I can't relate to anyone or have friends and I feel I piss people off with my stupidity because of how I apply myself to the real world. I just watch TV and sit on the computer all day and get mad when someone tries to help me be a better person like they're the weird ones and I'm not.

Working at McDonald's I see a lot of homeless people and idiots and people who are really quiet and emotionless; and I can point them out immediately because the ten people previous to them who came in were completely normal and knew how to talk and make facial expressions and laugh and make it seem natural and I know they're that way because my co-workers are that way and they don't feel out of place and I take their order, give them their food and they move on and I don't think about them anymore. But it's the people who are different, the weird ones with their different subtleties who stick and stay in my head all day and I wonder, "Am I like that?" I wonder if I do because I know who the normal people are, I know how a normal person should act; I see it and I talk with them at work and it's natural and not awkward and I can see they're not struggling at all; I see they enjoy it. I don't enjoy it and I struggle immensely (is that even the right word or am I just trying to use some adjective that I want to use to show just how much more I struggle at this and with words and with talking with people than everyone else? I question everything I do that's out in the real and wonder if it was the right thing to do or say because every instance in my life so far - socially - has been a failure and no one tells me why. They just stop talking or walk away or don't say goodbye or look at me ever again. My whole life I thought that I was normal, that I was like everyone else, that those "normal people" that I watched all day - I thought I was like them and was natural but I'm not, I'm different). I see the ret*d girl walking on her crutches up to the counter and it takes her entire mental capacity to order a hamburger and a large diet coke with two cups so that it doesn't slip out of her hand because she shakes so much and that someone else has to get it for her and after everyone that had come in that day, SHE is the one that I relate to most. I see that in her head she knows what to say, she knows what to do, but her body won't let her, it won't let her do it in the way that she wants, but she knows how, she knows it's pissing everyone off and that it's different but she's not stopping, she keeps going, she's there, she's ordering and giving me instructions on how she wants it because she knows her handicap but everyone is looking at her like she's ret*d and she doesn't know what she's doing. But I see what she's thinking, I see what she's doing and I see that she understands; she understands it all, but that that's her life and she can't do anything about it. She's just unable to move without shaking or stuttering or without having to use a crutch to walk. Has people her whole life told her that she was ret*d or did they just always say the right things to her and then move on to never talk to her again? It was probably the latter and her whole life she was probably told nothing was wrong with her except a little this and this because people know she has feelings but yet she knows something is wrong with her and she wonders why people avoid her. In her mind, she is sound; in her mind, she is not struggling; but out in the real world, like talking and walking and just giving an order, that's the hardest thing in the world for her to do and I can see that and I can relate to it and I wonder, am I the same?

I am writing this long-ass post and you might think that I talk a lot but I don't, people will tell you I am the quietest person they know, but, in my head, this is what goes on, these long discussions with myself and how I don't understand the world and how I think everyone is doing something wrong but me but they're not, I'm the one that's different, I'm just trapped in my head and it's scary how real that is. It's why I can seem blissfully happy to people even though I'm disabled and have something wrong with me, it's because I don't something is wrong with me. I am so normal and smart in my head it's almost insane how people don't see it in the real world. But they don't see it and I'm just "that guy" who is quiet and who has to be told exactly what to do because I only act if my instructions are specific and are not vague. I cannot do something on my own if it's what someone else wants because I only know what I want and if someone tells me, "Can I get some ketchup?" I ask them specifically, angrily, "How many do you want?" Then they'll say, "Just a couple," and I'll say, "Three? Four?" and then they'll say, "Six," and then I go get it and am thinking, the whole time, "Why the f**k didn't they just say that? A couple means three or four and this person wanted six? What the f**k is wrong with them?" But there is nothing wrong with them, there is something wrong with me; and it's hard to admit that because admitting it will bring unhappiness to me (that sentence is awkward and I don't know how to rephrase it to express my feelings or emotions in any other way). Or when someone says can I get a soda or a vanilla shake, I have to say, "Small, medium, or large?" and I do it angrily because I see how much I'm annoying them by asking them that question and it's like, "How else am I supposed to know?"

All people see when they look at me in a social situation is that I'm struggling. They don't know why and they don't know how but they see it. No one's ever told me that but I know it because I try to see how they see me when I'm talking to them and all that I see that they see is me trying to form words to complete a sentence that revolves around a thought in my head and it never comes out logically; it never comes out like it does in the movies or tv shows or in the way I see "normal people" saying them and it always comes out difficultly and not in the right way and using humor for me is difficult because I know what humor and I know what to say and how to say it to be funny but I just can't do it because I can never get the words right or the tone right to be funny and when I do it people are just always unsure if to laugh or not because they don't know if they'll be making fun of me or hurting my feelings or if it was even intentional; all that they see is some kid struggling to say and do something that they know knows understands their disability but is doing it anyway and the "normal people" don't know how to react.

I look how normal people act and how they talk and how natural it is and I watch TV and movies and see everyone doing the same thing and because I've never been told directly about my disability, I just assume that I'm like all those normal people. But just because I just know how to act normally doesn't mean that that's what I'm doing, because I'm not; it's difficult for me and I feel like that girl in the crutches who talks in a high pitched voice and is shaking because I know she knows how to act normally but her body and words and mind just aren't letting her. I feel that I'm her but I don't feel inside that I am; I think that's why I like being alone so much; I don't feel so different. When I'm in a social situation (yes, that means just being with anyone) I feel that my body and mind just aren't letting me act in the way that I want and that I'm ret*d or something and I feel that that has to be okay because that is my life and I can't change it. All I can do is express my pain and emotions in the way that I can and want (on this forum and in writing) because I feel that's the only way that I can because I clearly can't "show" or even "say" it. I feel can only write it and I don't feel that in any other way people can see my pain and struggle that I have to deal with when I'm with people because I suck that much socially. I can't even talk about my feelings but I can think them and I can feel them and I can try to write them like I am now.

All my life I have known something is wrong with me. I can't point to you a specific moment or experience or instance to show or explain it to you but maybe that's only because it's everyday that it's like this. I don't have real friends, I have family that I hang out with and my cousin who is around my age who is completely normal and who I assume likes to hang out with me but I don't know why, maybe because I only laugh at his jokes and boost his confidence, but I'm not a fun person to hang around with I think when all I can talk about is wondering what's wrong with me. I can't talk about my goals or friends or some movie I watched like normal people because just doing any of those things or even thinking about doing them is such an accomplishment for me. It's not "just life" for me, those things are an event, and I hate small talk and talking about them. If I'm going to watch a movie, it has to be planned and meticulously organized. If I'm going to have friends, it has to be planned and analyzed. If I'm going to go back to school or get a job it has to be planned and it has to be "right" it can't just be spontaneous. My brain doesn't work like that. I will panic, I will freak out, I won't understand, I will want to go hide in my room and wonder what's wrong with me, I'll want to go back on my computer, read my book that I've read for the fourth time already or watch the same show that I'm obsessed with that month, or the game, or story I'm writing that I'm obsessed with in that moment; anything to keep me from having to do something that I don't understand or that I don't have a plan for or have figured out or is logical.

I know my sentences are coming off as weird. I'm reading them and I see what I was trying to understand but they're not coming out "normally" I see that and I don't want to go over them and edit them. This is a first draft and I will not proofread it. I just want to get my thoughts on paper or in the real world for someone to see because I feel - I know - that I'm the only one who's having them and I can't express them in any other way to anyone else except when writing. This is, I believe, in the longest form and most efficiently expressed, anyone has ever heard about my struggles. I can't talk in this way, I can only write it, and I try to say them all the time in person but no one ever wants to hear it because I can never say it. I struggle, I can't learn, it's been too long, I'm 23 and I'm still not "normal" yet like everyone has told me. I'm different. I might have something wrong with me. And that's okay. Even though I might get depressed and want to kill myself over it one day because I'll never have sex or a girlfriend unless she has asperger's as well like me but I think that will be rare.

I was born three months premature. With my twin and I see his quirks and differences as well and I wonder, "Am I like that?" and I've always thought I wasn't because my differences are different than his and I was always told I was normal. But I am different. More than him. I'm different in the way that I live in my head. That must be a scary thing to think about for someone who's reading this but I'm not unhappy it. I've been living with it and have adjusted my life to it and I have found happiness; it's just when I'm with people that my differences are pointed out and I feel bad about myself and realize something is wrong with me. All my life I have wondered what was wrong with me and being premature I always forget. Most humans born premature will have something wrong with them. Having asperger's tendencies is not really something wrong I feel. I feel it's a gift, a viewpoint no one else in the world can have but me. I see how normal people act and I wonder, "how boring it must be to be like everyone else," and I go back to living in my head and thinking about the complex things that I do that I feel no one else does and feel good about myself. There was a quote I heard or read or something that went, "It's only the people who can see the world differently that have the mind capable of changing it," and I feel I have that kind of mind.

This is a writing forum, however, after all, and there should be something about writing. Well here it is. In my story I've always thought about it in pictures and emotions, not words. I know Karen is supposed to go on this adventure and that she has these "moments" of insecurity and doubt and fear and I can see it and feel it clearly in my head but when it comes to putting it in words and making actions out of it it's difficult. Writing this book is difficult. I know what happens, only I do though. When people ask me what my book is about I see it in my head and I've seen it there for years, the same images and the same characters and the same feelings, and I've been trying to put it in words but it's difficult because it doesn't feel "right." People ask me when I tell them I'm writing a book, "What is your book about?" and flashes of these "moments" pass by me in my head and I feel them and it makes me warm and I want to smile at the joy my book brings to me but the only thing I can say to their question is, "Umm, it involves, umm, these things," but I can never say what I want to say because I don't think in words, I think emotionally and in images and it sucks. People must think I have such a boring life but I don't feel I do. I just live in my head. I don't have a girlfriend or friends or a social life or do anything exciting but I'm not bored just because I don't have anything to show for it. I have ideas in my head that I hope one day the world will see and I can change it but because I don't know how I don't know if I ever will. Just writing this book and this series, I hope, will be enough.

Asperger's Syndrome is defined by WebMD as these symptoms:

Problems with social skills. Children with Asperger's syndrome generally have difficulty interacting with others and often are awkward in social situations. They generally do not make friends easily. They have difficulty initiating and maintaining conversation.

I think this goes without saying for me. I'm already feeling I'm having a difficult time just explaining all of this to you that I feel all is wrong with me. Difficulty interacting with others and often are awkward in social situations? Yeah, that's me. That is the definition of me. I can't express to you how much I've felt that exact way in every time I'm in a social situation because it's ALWAYS difficult and awkward. It's never easy. They generally do not make friends easily? Yep. They have difficulty initiating and maintaining conversation? Yep, abso-fucking-lutely. You see how I can have emotion in my writing and you can see my frustration in it and that there's tone and a voice? I can't do that in real life. Saying "Abso-fucking-lutely?" in a way that comes off as funny and you can hear my emotion in my tone when I say it? I can't do that. It has to be "absolutely not" in the most boring and monotonistic way you've ever heard even though in my head I knew I should have said it funny like that like a normal person would but I couldn't. It's too hard for my brain to do just do something like that in the real world, it's hard for me to do anything in the real world. I don't make friends easily and I abso-fucking-lutely can't initiate or maintain a conversation without having it be the most difficult thing in the world and it is so difficult that I revolve my entire life around avoiding it.

Eccentric or repetitive behaviors: Children with this condition may develop odd, repetitive movements, such as hand wringing or finger twisting.

No one has ever pointed anything like this out to me so how would I know I do these things? My sister does tell me that when I have my long hair I twirl it in my finger so much when I'm talking with someone or just being by myself that it almost falls out. Or when I'm in a conversation with someone and it's not going the way I want (like they all do) I start patting my leg with my hand really fast because the anxiety is overwhelming me and I don't know how to express it in words or in actions other than in anger with my hand and I just want to tell them to SHUT UP and leave me alone but I know it's not the right thing to say or do and so I just nervously twitch and pat myself or something else until it's over. People probably look at me like I'm crazy and don't see how much I'm struggling because I'm not showing it or saying it or doing it other than twitching and going crazy in my head and looking like about to erupt. God, how it must suck to be everyone who has to be around me. No one wonder I don't have friends or a girlfriend - I can't talk to anyone without having it be the most difficult thing in the world.

Unusual preoccupations or rituals: A child with Asperger's syndrome may develop rituals that he or she refuses to alter, such as getting dressed in a specific order.

I've always thought this was normal but I like to wear the same thing for about two weeks before I decide it's not normal to change into something else. I don't like my hair in any other way other than the way it is when I wake up or get out of the shower and I don't like to wear clothes that are bright or could bring attention to me. I don't like to be spontaneous with my style and, honestly, I wish the thought of style that everyone always seems to be stressing out about didn't even exist because I feel it annoys people that I don't have a style with my clothes or keep up on my hygiene because I just don't care about it and would just rather keep things the same for as long as possible before changing them. Some people just call me lazy but I would seriously have a panic attack if I was forced to change my clothes everyday and shower because I would just blow up and say to them - no, yell at them! - because I would say, "Why do you care! I don't want to! Just leave me alone!" and they would think they'd actually be helping me because if I had a style and better hygiene that I would have friends and not a so boring life but my mind just doesn't work like that. I really don't care about my style or hygiene, but everyone else seems to about theirs and it's the weirdest thing to me to see because, why don't they just not care like I do? You see, I feel THEY are the weird ones and that it's not me. How messed up is that? If that's not asperger's syndrome, I don't know what is.

Communication difficulties: People with Asperger's syndrome may not make eye contact when speaking with someone. They may have trouble using facial expressions and gestures, and understanding body language. They also tend to have problems understanding language in context and are very literal in their use of language.

Oh, eye contact. f**k you, eye contact. I'm aware of it every time I'm with this someone and I go, "make eye contact, make eye contact," and then when I do I look away and the whole conversation in my head becomes not about what's being said but about whether I should be making eye contact with this person. You see, social cues like that are so freaking difficult for me to understand, interpret, or apply, that it overwhelms me that much that I can't think about anything else other than what that person's face is looking like and doing and what mine is doing as well and I can't even enjoy what's being said even though I know I'm supposed to. On the inside I'm just freaking out about all these social cues the other person is giving me and trying to interpret them while also trying to keep up with the conversation about what's being said that I already have half-forgotten because I was so worried just about making eye-contact. So, you - a normal person - do you have problems like these? I don't think so. You just see some kid who is acting like a ret*d wondering why it is so difficult for this person just to make eye-contact and saying something when it's the most easiest thing in the world for you to do. So yeah, I can see how people could think I was different. I know how to act in my head and I know what I should be saying in my head to have a normal conversation, but all the social cues and what I should be doing with my own body that I'm trying not to have come out as offensive because doing anything with my body while talking to someone is the most difficult thing to do, is something I know how to do in my head but is the most difficult thing to do out in the real world because of all these things that are happening with the other person. Communication difficulties? Yeah, this whole post.

Limited range of interests: A child with Asperger's syndrome may develop an intense, almost obsessive, interest in a few areas, such as sports schedules, weather, or maps.

My interests and things I like are not as specific and boring as those things but I could define my life into chunks that can be identified by the things I was obsessed with in them. Like Diablo 2, poker, and now writing this story. I've done really nothing but those three things in my life and I feel I've gotten pretty good at them despite having all of them having failed so far. I'm dumb apparently but I'm not dumb in my head I feel, I feel I'm just dumb applying it which is what dumb is. f**k.

Coordination problems: The movements of children with Asperger's syndrome may seem clumsy or awkward.
I've always thought that my awkwardness and clumsiness looked "cool" but it's probably not. Acting "normal" and being normal just seems so boring to me. Remember that thing I said about having difficultly with social cues? How I act and posture myself around people is a big thing I think about and acting normal and boring and being straightforward I don't like. I like being clumsy and awkward and doing things in weird ways because I think they look cool but I probably look dumb. Maybe that's why I have no friends.

Skilled or talented: Many children with Asperger's syndrome are exceptionally talented or skilled in a particular area, such as music or math.

Oh math. My one true thing I like in this world. Math gets me. I was born for math. I'm jizzing in my pants right now just thinking about it. Going from one logical step to the next and figuring out the answer. I see writing my book as just one big math problem figuring out all the different holes and plots and characters and working the scenes and making it flow in a logical manner. I am not near finishing it but I am getting there, figuring out what problem at a time until my whole idea is out on paper. It's going to be great. I guess a normal person would tell you how they graduated with a math degree at the age of twelve or found it really easy and would just go on and on about all their accomplishments with math because they like it so much but I'm not like that. All I can see in my head is that it excites me and knowing that there's an answer and that it's just waiting to be solved and then you're REWARDED because you solved it. You see, if all math problems just have one solution, then the only thing in your way between the problem and the solution is you and the time you put into it in solving it. There is nothing else in your way. That's how beautiful math is. That's why I love applying math to my book and trying to figure it out like it's a math problem and that it has to be logical. There has to be an inciting incident, a complication, a climax and a resolution and there has to be characters and a theme and a problem and subplots and there has to be scenes and each scene has to flow logically from the next and at the end there has to be presented one big idea, a point of view; and that once I've figured out all the variables a story needs I'll have enough to write it. This probably seems like a terrible way to write a book and not fun at all but for someone whose brain works the way mine does, it's the most fun math problem there is because it's fusing being social and using math at the same time. All math is is logic, it's not numbers. Numbers are derived from logic. If I want to create a trashcan with the right dimensions to fit exactly under the sink I will have to get out a piece of paper and write numbers on it of the size of under the sink but if I build the trashcan to do that it wasn't because I was good at numbers that did that, it would be because I was good at logic. Eh, that wasn't the way I wanted it to go but basically math is being smart and thinking smart and that numbers are used to capture the abstract that can't be said. When you look at four chairs you think of four chairs. Do you count them individually in your head? What about the legs, the pieces of wood? Whatever, I don't where I'm going with this, I don't think in words, I think in flashes of brilliance, and have a difficult time putting it in words.

I think if someone who knew me read this they would have a different opinion of me and that the first thing they would say to me after reading it would be, "I didn't even know that you thought like this. I just see you drooling and staring at the wall." I think I have asperger's syndrome. What do you think? Would a normal person write something like this?

You're working at McDonald's and succeeding, despite your "symptoms." Working at McDonald's takes a person of some resilience.

Have you gone to college--or are you contemplating going to college?

There are many people who succeed despite being "weird." I'm "weird," and I'm succeeding somewhat.

I was a nonverbal autistic person until age 5 1/2--when I started speaking.

I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't as "weird" as you think you are.

I can identify with what you wrote. I dropped out of society for about ten years.
Try to advance your career and just do the book as a hobby. There is incredible competition in every creative field.

It's ok to be weird or different. You're not stupid for occasionally flubbing a social situation. That's part of being an Aspie, and it's totally ok.
You have a job; only 34% of Aspies are employed. I'm not working. I was fired from my last job. But you have a job, and one that would be really stressful for a lot of Aspies. Right there is something to be proud of.
It may seem silly, but it's important to stop yourself from thinking 'I'm stupid, no one wants to hear what I have to say, I'm not interesting,' etc. Those kinds of thoughts start a bad cycle. You have to remind yourself of your good qualities and ignore the past. It is gone, and you are probably the only one who remembers it. You can't change it, and you don't have to let it affect you.
Autism and ASD is a condition, and it can some things difficult, but it is not a disability and it doesn't mean you are broken or less important than anyone else. You don't need to be perfect to be wonderful. You don't need to be liked by everyone to be worth a d*mn. If they don't like you or respect you, there are other people who will. Someone who doesn't like you isn't worth your time worrying about. They don't matter. You are a wonderful person, and there are great things about you that make you a wonderful person. I don't know you, but everyone has something great about them. Think about what yours are and write them down. Maybe you are kind to others. Maybe you are nice to animals. Maybe you do your job well. There are lots of things. When you find yourself saying, 'I'm worthless,' stop that thought right then and say, 'No, that's a lie. I'm not worthless. I am a great person because...' and then look at your list. Things might feel bad now, but that doesn't mean they will always be bad. We never know what will happen in the future, so there is always hope because the future could hold anything in it. Every new day starts with a sunrise, and every new day is a chance for you to get a little better. And every day that you try, every day that you stop a bad thought and fight it with a good thought, is a day that you, you yourself, made things a little better. Because you do have the power to change your life; you aren't stuck.
I hope something I said made sense to you. If not, then I guess I flubbed a social situation; Oh well, it's already in the past and it doesn't have to affect me anymore.

You have been more than eloquent in expressing in writing how frustrating it can be to be forced to navigate in the normals' world- a world that is (most of the time, anyway) completely foreign to those of us on the spectrum.

Like it or not, we have to learn to navigate in that foreign world. That's what those of us on the spectrum have to do to survive. It's not easy or painless but it is both possible and worth it.

I'm about twice your age and I can tell you that age and time and experience help you cope, and navigate this nutball world, if you are willing to work at it. I will also tell you that in my case it took a lot of soul searching, counseling and yes, medication (I have PTSD as well as issues with anxiety and depression) to finally start getting comfortable in my own skin- and I'm 46.

And don't stop writing. I'm hyperlexic and I am fascinated by language and words. Writing and blogging almost daily helps me deal with the emotional garbage and to better organize my thoughts so I can speak more effectively.

I am still abysmal with eye contact (though hiding behind glasses helps) and I am very poor at decoding non-verbals. I miss a lot that NTs like my son hone right in on. But we get the wiring we get- and the challenge we have is to make the most of it.

And I thought my post was long lol. I know very closely to what you feel. It's why, despite being on the computer often I never talk about myself or participate in the social networking websites. I'm 25 and have never had a girlfriend or any relationships beyond basic co workers.

Because I never understood people or fit in I always thought I was mentally ret*d and that my family didn't want to tell me. I never even went to school, I was just homeschooled until 3rd grade.


I too fantasize about being a great person who matters in the community, that people can count on, but like you I also get shocked into reality when I do not communicate as I believe I should, or that my actions don't accomplish what I hoped they would.

There was a Simpsons episode where Lisa believes there is a "nerd pheromone" that others can sense, and recently I've wondered if there is something like it that alerts other people to me. I go into grocery stores or any public places and many times people will turn and just stare at me. Like out of nowhere they will turn around from whatever they are doing and just stare at me.

Not a fearful look or curiosity, just a blank stare. And it happens almost simultaneously among people in all ranges of viewing distance. I've always been told it's just in my head so I always try and rationalize it as if maybe when the door opened it made an unusual noise, or that someone farted at that specific time and caused people to look around.

I suppose that "nerd pheromone" may just be the non verbal cues of body posture or something.


I do private security, which is probably equally degrading but it's often much simpler than flipping burgers while allowing you to avoid many of those situations. I always thought they payed about the same but I heard McDonalds pays quite a bit more.

It's very simple and routine with most companies but finding a location that avoids interaction with company employees or clients is what I prefer. It's extremely simply to get a license as well.


I just recently started thinking this feeling is due to being overqualified for a job requiring menial tasks. Perhaps that is what makes us feel useless, that we can't apply our knowledge and are being under utilized. But I'm afraid that I would fail in a better qualified job, and that better jobs require more social responsibility.


I've read a lot of posts on these forums, and maybe it's just because I finally started sharing my story in my own thread, but I haven't seen someone so close to my situation. Maybe I'm way off though, just one of those doubts I have about how truly similar I am to others.


These are the thoughts I've been stuck with since I was about 16. There was this mentally handicapped guy that worked at Walmart mopping floors. He would be far away with his back turned but every time I would go through the doors he would turn around and walk straight towards me like he knew me.

He would shake me hand and try to show me some special handshake then go right back to his position and never look at another person. Nice guy but I too wonder that because he immediately knew to come to me if I am really that similar to being a ret*d floor sweeper without being aware of it.

I was going to say it earlier, but for the years I wondered if I was mentally ret*d I had finally came upon a new term before learning of aspergers. Social retardation. Meaning you may be smart with logical things but otherwise ret*d when it comes to social interaction.


I have some hearing issues so not only do I run into situations like this, I often have to ask people to say something again once I've prompted them to be more specific. It often irritates and aggravates people which really makes me wonder how stupid they think I am.

I have lived in my head my entire life since my family never spoke to me much or just wanted to express themselves without my input. I don't know if you like anime but I closely related to one called Death Note, which was basically about the inner mind games that happen between the main antagonist and protagonist.


I remember seeing a TV commercial when I was 13 or 14 that was a father and son playing football in the backyard of their nice house. I made a comment to my dad that families were supposed to be happy and having fun. He shot that down and while I now know that is a lot more normal than how my family is, I do agree now that he was right to some extent.

The things that happen in movies are carefully constructed and acted out multiple times, and when the whole movie or show is done this way it further reinforces every single scene. It's one of the reasons I prefer movies, because they have a bigger budget so more thought and effort is put into a shorter time frame, making them more efficient entertainment in my opinion.

Basically though, I'm just saying the real life isn't like movies. Though salesman and some people can be very close to playing out perfect dialogues because it has been rehearsed as a pitch.

I'm always rehearsing conversations I expect may come up at work or around others, but unfortunately that seems to make it even more unnatural when I talk. I think it may be because I rehearse too much and then forget what part I'm supposed to be in at the moment.


I also escape like this, most often watching the same movie or music on repeat. It calms me down because it's just background noise since I have experienced it so much I know what to expect. Tombstone, a western movie is one I've probably watched the most. Over 150 times at least. Forrest Gump is another.


I've wanted for years to explain my thoughts but I mainly haven't because I proofread and correct so much that it takes forever. And often I'll change something so much that it makes even less sense.


Lol thats all I have to say. I didn't read more than the first 2 paragraphs before I decided to respond because I could tell from the start I could match your thoughts. So I'm replying inline as I read and every time I come to the next paragraph I'm like wow, its scary how close some of our thoughts are.

I was born 2 months premature and I always attributed my hearing issues with that, and more recently whatever condition I have, aspergers or not, also associated. This was because I always heard that conditions happen in premature babies and I rationalize that as not everything had enough time to develop, or that there was already an underlying issue which contributed to being born premature. I don't have a twin though.


I've never started on my book because it takes me so long to write, as well as not being able to convert the scenes that play in my mind into words.


I'm sure by now I don't need to say this fits me.


Again, I don't have that exactly, but I do have to tap my foot whenever I'm bored or trying to concentrate. Doesn't matter if I'm in bed, driving a car(people tell me it feels like they are gonna get sea sick from the constant accelerate/deaccelerate) or just standing. Before considering aspergers I thought it might have been RLS, but I haven't thought about it too much and people haven't said much about it to me so it doesn't bother me.


I wear white t shirts and black or khaki pants. I don't have much variety. I do have many rituals but they all have a logical purpose in my mind. I believe most people have some form of ritual anyways. Like waiting for the fuel pump in your car to pressurize before turning ignition(bad example if I'm saying most people, but a minimal example that has a logical purpose).

Hygiene is something I never bothered with when I was young, but since 20 or so I'm the complete opposite. I used to have severe acne and always have oily skin. I hate the feeling of oily skin so I shower 2-3 times a day usually. But sometimes, like this week, it was 3 days since I took one.

It's just the physical feeling of being clean I like, otherwise I could care less what someone else thinks of how clean I am.


It's funny, because I used to stare people down without realizing it. I would look them in the eye but I never really was "looking". More like looking through them. But once I read about aspergers and the eye contact I paid more attention and realized I was staring too much. So I started being self conscious of that and breaking contact much more. A lot of eastern indians and asians also work at my job and eye contact is considered rude or threatening in some of their cultures so that further enhanced my avoidance.


I would like to say I have a huge array of interests, but they are always targeted. I'm not interested in anything if I don't spend the time to know everything about it. I played Diablo 2/Startcraft BW for almost a decade. I still play with a few online friends in them for a few weeks every year. If your interested in doing something like that sometime then send me a PM.

Age of Mythology is another favorite of mine. I love some of those older games despite the graphics because that was some of my first interaction with other people.


I'm not too clumsy but definitely have the awkward moments and postures. I want to dig a grave anytime someone throws me something, even if they are a few feet away. If I can even begin to catch it I'll fumble it for 10 seconds before dropping it, all the while intensely focusing on where it is from when they first throw it.

When I watch other people catch stuff they don't seem to need to track it as much. I often just say I'm tired or something for the reason I missed it like a ret*d.


I was terrible at math and found it boring but good at English growing up until I discovered computer programming. I finally had a reason, practical application, to like and understand math and algebra and learned it much easier from then on.


The world is a big place and so I was sure there had to be others that thought like me somewhere. I hoped anyways. I don't know if I have aspergers, so we are in the same boat there. I was isolated growing up in an extreme way which I believe could also contribute to similar symptoms. If your interested you can look up my recent thread in this forum.

Hey Drifter, have you considered training yourself in Mathematics?

You'd be surprised how many of them are just like you.

I have read that many people on the spectrum work jobs like this and computer programming because they not only get to take advantage of skillsets most people might consider mundane but many jobs requiring that type of work often require less social interaction.

true

Or audio engineering...? When people think you're weird and they later learn you're a musician, they usually just kinda go "oh ok I get it now" so...? Works for me any way.