I am having a very large problem with these 2 things. I can't decide how much is one or how much is the other, though. I don't know if it's ocpd/ocd/ or just perhaps "being on the spectrum". It's a simple process - but for some reason difficult to put to words. I'll try to give real life examples; I am walking down the street through a parking lot, around 6 pm and so rush hour is getting out, people are flitting here and there. I just got done mailing an item for my insurance -- and I'm set walking along the street. I look up and immediately become aware of myself; it's uncomfortable. This then translates to everybody in the whole parking lot looking AT me; because I've noticed it. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a store window as I walk by. I look monstrous...I go back and walk the same path and sort of 'pose' discreetly as i walk by to get the image that feels right to my head, to me, that's passable, so that I can pass; sometimes i have to do this numerous times. If I get caught it's embarrassing. ...I never am able to leave without feeling like I look "right". ... I just get on with it, but I do this ritual often -- everyday. It's exhausting.
I walk into a Chipotle, my mind thinks a hundred distracted and random thoughts at once. I have to pull myself together before I enter this place. Yesterday or, before -- i would have acted different... Today, I'm getting stuff done. I am in the zone and it's all business. I don't have time for the relaxed casual stares exchanged among people as I walk down the line. If I give into that I'll lose myself entirely. Suddenly the thought pops in my head that I look/appear military, because of how I was raised -- I guess...this awareness floods in my mind. Everyone else must be aware of it, too. I'm self conscious. Sometimes thoughts stick in my head and will come back later, and later, and later...when in a relevant situation. My mind feels like a train track. It's either think this/do this...or think that/do that. I can't do both at once, and the dissonance between the two is perplexing and infuriating to me. How does everyone else manage with such ease? Do they think these same things? ...Am I so different? I try to integrate both into one suave, smooth ...carefree manner. But it doesn't work. All that shows through, I think, is my confusion and awkwardness.
So I'm either going to act 'military' or just completely let that go, and just adapt like these people are being. But do I know how these people are being, or is this just my thoughts? Ughhh....God. Head splitting, again. Why am I always asking questions, why can't i just be. Is everyone else able to just be, and I'm not?
This is how my day is usually, all day, every day. The severity or intensity of it varies from time to time, depending on the alignment of the stars, or whatever. But it's usually like this.
Would you describe this more accurately as ocd, ocpd? ..... I realize there's a part of my mind that's sort of, definitely, out of my control - it pushes thoughts through on a primal level faster than I can blink or even think I have them. That's ocd. But the other part of it is, my mind seems to just prefer things to be one way, or another. It doesn't like distraction or ambivalence. If I get set on one thing, and I go with that frame of mind..I can really get lots done. But I have to be in the "zone".
I frequently have trouble at night during evenings where I am so scattered I can't or don't get things done. I'd describe it as more -- unconfidence. It's a serious problem and it's hampering my ability to center myself and ,more importantly, goal directed behavior and accomplishing things in line with my values. I find myself going to bed tired, exhausted, and having gotten nothing ever done. My head is in the clouds...
When I start to take work on what I need to do. My head immediately fills with all the issues and problems again, and it's like I have to solve it all over again, yet there's nothing to solve.
If that makes sense. I sense this is just a vicious cycle of my mind tripping itself of a memory as a safety net, when I try to shift to more productive behavior.
Regardless, it all feels very overwhelming and it's incredibly upsetting/distracting. It feels real.
Any thoughts on this? On how to better cope?
Thanks.
08 Apr 2015, 8:43 pm
