AS and (my total lack of?) psychosocial developement.

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Just figured out that deep inside, I'm a 3 month old baby. I have never been a kid, never been a teenager, and the logical consequence would be that I'm never going to be an adult! but people seem to expect that.
I have all these (very hard to maintain) coping mechanisms that make me look like some sort of sane and slightly adult person. But it's all like band aids. My whole personality and behaviour and everything is just a crappy facade, maintained by vigorous and OCD like simulating a god damn "person". I don't even consider myself a person. I'm a human-being-simulating-wreck. If it was completely up to me, I wouldn't talk at all and would possibly need diapers. I sort of believe that would be even better than this extremely tedious compulsive simulating, to a point that I don't even look like someone with autism even to the trained eyes (doctors). I sort of wish that I would someday break under this pressure and become my real self again but nooooo. I keep on simulating to a point that it's all my life and takes 1000% of my energy. 24/7. even in my night time dreams.
I can't take this anymore. I don't care how I would behave if I were to stop simulating. Anything. ANYTHING else would be better than this torture.

You can't be like a 3 months old because a 3 month old wouldn't be able to simulate like this. The real you is the one who is simulating. That's his/her trait - someone obsessive with simulating. Noone is lost because there is noone else. You were always you. What you are now is what the baby developed to.

Stop looking for your long lost self because it's pointless. You won't become 3 months old and grow up from there again.

Create your new self by modifying who you are now.

You remind me of Iori Nagase from the anime Kokoro Connect. She was also unsure who she is and looking for her "long lost self".