Coping Skills denied and is it right?

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Does not allowning Stimming and other coping skills at a young age affect someone autistic?

Yes	43%	[ 17 ]
Yes	43%	[ 17 ]
No	5%	[ 2 ]
No	5%	[ 2 ]
Don't Know	3%	[ 1 ]
Don't Know	3%	[ 1 ]
Don't Care	0%	[ 0 ]
Don't Care	0%	[ 0 ]
Let Them Suffer	0%	[ 0 ]
Let Them Suffer	0%	[ 0 ]

Total votes : 40

Ghosthunter
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06 May 2005, 5:44 pm

1)...The Question?....
How do you feel about Overextensions of
coping skills and being denied them?

AsianMom wrote:

Emu Egg
Joined: May 06, 2005
Posts: 3
Posted: Fri May 06, 2005 8:24 pm
Post subject: I forbid my son to stim -
am I bad?
-------------------------------------------
My son is 8 years old. He has some Asperger's
traits, including stimming (hand flapping and
tiptoeing). He does this in school during certain
lessons and at home when he is supposed to be
doing his homework. He rarely stim during his
free time (he rather reads or draws or ....).

I forbid him to stim because (a) his classmates
thinks he is wierd (b) he he doesn't know what's
happening in school (c) he can't finish his homework.

I am NT and do not understand the need to stim.
So I scold/punish him when he comes home from
school clueless and whenever I see him stimming.

Like all mothers, I want to do what is good for my
son. I think if he stop stimming, he would be more
socially accepted and get better grades. Am I wrong
or doing him more harm than good?

2)...Statement by Ghosthunter, with added
column for another week as "the Ghosthunter
Turns!"

Past Tense Writing wrote:

Overextension and it's heavy price wrote:

I, as I got older have a good resilency to coping
skills and this is due to being through most ropes
that you folks will have experienced to one degree
or another.

I have always sought to look forward and help
others and myself through learning how helping
them can help me in return(new skills found).
I tend to hold off when I reach a certain point
so I retain my true essence and not reveal the
blubbering idiot that others use to look at me as,
though that vulnerability will sometimes reveal
itself. It has been a rare occurence in the last
5 years to have hyperventilation unless I really
need to push beyond these bounderies, and my
helpful self cannot give freely because this
emotion has been spent and all that is left is
the vulnerable self.

I should be happy that I sold a computer by being
this helpful soul, and seeing validation for my
efforts(a rare occurence also). I show up at
shipping day and all goes well.

6:45am, I Z-Tag, start store setup
7:30am, I start the shipment
8:35am, I finish shipment inventory
9:00am, I finish the dishes

No incident, and all is well!

10:00am, We have a new client to deliver
to and the bosses wife say's she wants to
give more delivery hours. I am getting
slightly stressed, and that is why I clocked
at 10:00am.

Hmmm? Not sure so far!! !!

11:00am, the soup spills, I get clumsbier,
customers are lining up, I want them to
go away, delivery is due at 11:30am,
and I will lose hours dearly to a not-so-
sympathetic bosses wife if this delivery
doesn't go with no mistakes. As a matter
of fact she spent 1.5 hours with me going
over it knowing I am autistic, and we set
it up so it should go smoothly yesterday
at 4:45pm-6:30pm.

Hmmm? Go away customers, I start
panicking since their is a greater price
for screwing up this delivery than your
stupid sandwich order and the fact we
can't break your $100 Travellers check.

My co-worker(a female) knows I am autistic
and is looking at me as I hyperventilate
in as much of a discrete fashion as possible
in the line of customers since you are
only temporary(the customers at that
moment) an the price of failure requires
me to push this giving boundry. And she tells
me to calm down.

11:30am, We arrive to the site and leave
by 11:50am. I go to the other store and
thank the stars that all went as well as
possible, though I am exhuasting my
usually reliable coping skills.

12:50pm, The bosses wife lets me just wave
the sign around and I have some venting
time(NOT SCARRY LOOK TIME) and further
exhaust my coping skills reserve pool.

1:30 pm, I arrive at the main store and
pickup my regular clothing with no coping
skill,(It feels like bleeding everywhere) and
hope the world leaves me alone.

She(the supervisor "I DON'T LIKE" asks can I
cover for a hour) and I freeze, and all I can do
is give this scarry stare, and she say's "you look
like you don't hear me". Then the acting manager
asks, and I mutter, No!, and that is a first, I have
no coping skills and leave me alone I am thinking
to myself.

2:00pm, I arrive at the hostel and the badgery
owner is yelling at his other favorite chew toy
and I thank the stars he didn't see me a chew bait.
I had no coping skills. I skulk out of there like
a abused child and write this.

2:15pm, I read a tidbit of a 34year old and getting
diagnosed and I have nothing to say, instead bleed
all over his statements meaning and appologize to
you folks and contemplate how to write(not BLEED)
this.

If some of you don't get it, I can understand. If some
of you don't mind being BLED over, that's cool also.

Unhappily,
Ghosthunter

Before I write this poem, I sympathize with that
8 year kid. Teaching them to shutdown their coping
skill brings only disaster when they need them when
they reach 15-25.

A Poem wrote:

Gaze into the embers of my soul. I stare but
not see. I hear your voice but cannot respond
to it's heart's cry, as you ask why?

Louder the thunder roars, expressionless I stand.
Hear me, but do you understand me. Louder the
stormy voice comes, daggers in my heart pierce it
and it bleeds, IS THIS HOW I AM SUPPOSE TO FEEL?

I explain, you do not hear, you hear only what the
seeing owl tells you, not your heart. comformity
in this soul, Not! Comformity is but a fools paradise.
It harbours the truth with lies those supposed
wise owls have impressed upon you and expect
the young bird to sing.

Fly! Fly! Goes my heart, sinks into the ocean
it will land. HELLO DO YOU HEAR ME? Must I
later Bleed and then you wonder why?

Off the topic: As the Ghosthunter Turns Column!

And now a evaluation of the the weeks end! wrote:

I have had a trying week but feel relieved that
half my battles for the week have concluded.
I come to realize and so have you folks the
value of community and communication.
I am still employed. I still have a few more
to go.

•The badgery hostel owner on Friday-Sunday,
or Mr.I-Like-To-Give-3 Day notices!
and yell and chew at people because it is fun!! !
NOT!! !(Say's I -Ghosthunter)

•Next week the same clients that refered to in
the "Overextension and it's heavy price wrote"
statement have 2 large deliveries(and the owner
gave a compliment that they were happy).
Hopefully I still have a job after this client
back to back?

•Otherwise I don't predict "As the Ghosthunter
Turns" events

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

3)....The Question Repeated....!

How do you feel about Overextensions of
coping skills and being denied them?

techstepgenr8tion
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06 May 2005, 6:06 pm

Oops - didn't realize that post was from this forum; didn't mean to be rude :oops:

Last edited by techstepgenr8tion on 06 May 2005, 10:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

larsenjw92286
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06 May 2005, 7:01 pm

I think you should be able to express yourself and cope with your feelings. You should not be denied your coping skills.

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Ghosthunter
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06 May 2005, 7:13 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 07, 2005
Posts: 139
Location: Cleveland, OH
If they were obsessed with funcionality
and thought eveyone who had a disability
should really be barcoded and thrown in a
furnace - that'd be dark but for me I'd at
least have the peace of mind that I was
working against a dynamic that has some
rhyme or reason to it

What makes this worse this is actually a caring
mother who doesn't seem to grasp autism,
poor kid. I have tried to explain autism to
my friends and gave up trying to. They
don't get it either, and these friends don't
mind being around you, but are not able to
grasp the sublties that come with autism.

I hope we can help this kid!

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 07, 2005
Posts: 139
Location: Cleveland, OH
there's no times where I feel like everythings
absolutely beyond hope as when I read stuff
like this because it shows me that there is no
logical rhyme or reason and that society's huffing
paint. Intelligence and logic, even if its opressive,
at least gives you a strategy of attack.

This is truth. The strategies we plan help us cope.

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 07, 2005
Posts: 139
Location: Cleveland, OH
Collective ignorance, on the other hand, is like
water - its indestructable and you can't win
against it because it will give with everything you do.

This is why there are places like wrongplanet.
Maybe a NT here and there will grasp us and
then better understand their child. But that
is not the case most of the time.

Hmmm?
Ghosthunter

Ghosthunter
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06 May 2005, 7:20 pm

larsenjw92286 wrote:

Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Aug 31, 2004
Posts: 199
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 10:01 am
Post subject:
-------------------
I think you should be able to express yourself
and cope with your feelings. You should not be
denied your coping skills.

I completely agree, but how do you convey
autism's sublties without even confusing your
friends, let alone very confused parents making
BIG MISTAKES because she has fallen to the
ALL KNOWING SEEING OWLs who think they
know everything and you should fit in?

larsenjw92286
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06 May 2005, 7:24 pm

Owl? What? I have no idea what my answer is in regards to your question.

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Ghosthunter
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06 May 2005, 7:30 pm

The all seeing owl is the psychologists,
Doctors, PH'd folk, that tell you some
bandaid answer then charge you a
enormous fee, and you screw up your
loved ones life. Mind You, The ignorant
that chose to stay ignorant and continue
this abuse also apply. Let's say for
simplicity....

OPINIONATED NT'S WHO THINK THEY
KNOW EVERY ANSWER THAT CAN
SOLVE YOUR AUTISTIC PROBLEM!

I put this in big print so it can stress
a simpler translation!

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

BeeBee
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06 May 2005, 7:34 pm

Let's just be a tad careful here guys.

If you remember, I am the NT (sort of) mother of an PDD child.

I didn't post in the other thread because I was saddened and angered by it. I wanted to respond as tallgirl did but I knew I would not be able to do so tactfully.

Not all NTs act the same. And the professionals (owls) I deal with would be mortified is someone suggested you should punish stimming.

BeeBee :cry:

larsenjw92286
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06 May 2005, 7:35 pm

Ghosthunter:

Are these people not helpful?

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Tere
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06 May 2005, 7:46 pm

Ghosthunter I was scolded and punished for stimming when I was a child. I just learned to hide it. When I couldn't hide or was in a situation where I couldn't stim, I would develope terrible stomach aches. That was my bodys release.

Even today, 50 years later, if I am in a situation where I know I can't stim, I develope a stomach ache. If things become too over-whelming, I have a major meltdown.

Stimming is a form of release. NOONE should be forced to cede any kind of coping mechanism!

Ghosthunter
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06 May 2005, 7:47 pm

BeeBee wrote:

Snowy Owl
Joined: Apr 01, 2005
Posts: 127
Location: Upper Midwest, USA
Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 10:34 am
Post subject:
---------------------------
Let's just be a tad careful here guys.

If you remember, I am the NT (sort of)
mother of an PDD child.

I didn't post in the other thread because
I was saddened and angered by it. I wanted
to respond as tallgirl did but I knew I would
not be able to do so tactfully.

Not all NTs act the same. And the professionals
(owls) I deal with would be mortified is someone
suggested you should punish stimming.

Then I will appologize to you BeeBee. The
professional readings and the postings
I have read here on WrongPlanet(numerous)
have given me the impression that most
NT-professionals have misinformed parents.

I meant no disrespect, and what I read about
her punishing her son inspired my HFA fire
and thus this forum to relate to this FIREY
issue that burns in my heart. Poor Kid!

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

And I appologize for being insensitive and
Firey! It is how I am feeling about this
right now.

Ghosthunter
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06 May 2005, 7:58 pm

I will be back for another FIREY
episode of as the NT-Burns!

BACK IN A HOUR! I am off to
work and PLEASE CONTINUE
THIS DEBATE OF NT-Abuse!

Hmmmm? :evil:

BeeBee
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06 May 2005, 8:00 pm

GH,

I admire your spirit and commitment. I was not offended and thank you.

I am just so saddened when people don't understand. I am trying not to judge asianmom. She loves her child and is trying to do her best by him. If she didn't care, she wouldn't have posted. Yet I think how much it would hurt my son if I did that to him.

BeeBee :cry:

techstepgenr8tion
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06 May 2005, 8:33 pm

BeeBee wrote:

I definitely agree, please understand we aren't talking about all NT's. Its almost more of a societal dynamic we're ranting about though, one that really has a grip on people and where from our perspective it seems like the people who are steadfast against acceptance of anything less than social perfection are really the ones making the rules and calling the shots.
Shame that society's held in check so much by the most base common denominator but that's kinda where its at.

I can understand where the mother in the first post is comming from in that she knows all these people who are telling her kid that it's ok are never gonna be arround to save him from the bullies. On the other hand, the fact that she isn't realistically assessing his capabilities and limits and would rather just take the easy road and drill him is pretty messed up (then again, from what I've heard out of a lot of people, its been much more common than not). If someone really wants to help a kid with AS/HFA, the only way to do it right is to help them have a good grounding in reality, explain things to em, and try to help them find the means to help themselves along pathways that their capable of. The blunt-force method when used on us just makes us feel that much more like we have absolutely no idea whats going on or that we're somehow intrinsically inferior (which is what I'd imagine happening if anyone is drilled long enough over something they can't fix) - that lack of confidence later in life even makes us bigger targets.

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06 May 2005, 9:18 pm

I think Asianmom was more focused on the social consequences of her son's stimming (this I have noticed is a very NT thing-- and also to assume that ASers/HFAers want to be just as social as NTs do; I would like some socializing, but I value my time alone more). But I think with her coming from the social aspect being the most important, she doesn't perhaps realize her son's poin of view. Honestly, I would go absolutely insane if I could not stim. Sometimes I cannot help it and the impulse is almost unbearable. Especially when I am anxious. When I am just excited I am better able to stop myself or to limit it. But with anxiety, it is just too much to handle. It explodes out of me.

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06 May 2005, 11:46 pm

then, as usual, education is the key. EXPLAIN to people what AS and autism involves. shouting at them still doesn't help (morgvis waits for someone to tell her she's anti-aspie, again... yawn).

i've been very actively involved in raising autism awareness at the college at which i study and work. and next week, they're having a whole session on autism as part of their Awareness Week - i wonder how many places include autism in their "disability awareness" programmes? (and i'm not getting into the "is AS a disability?" thing here - it's being discussed and highlighted, thank gods). THAT'S the way to change things, not shouting at people cos they won't let me stim while i'm lecturing. as BeeBee said, asianmum came here and ASKED for advice, from people with autism/AS - bloody well done, i say.

most of the population has very little idea about autism, full stop. it isn't an NT conspiracy, it isn't deliberate persecution of people with autism, it's mainly ignorance. i honestly cannot think of anyone i've told about my AS who hasn't tried to accomodate it, or been interested in finding out more about it, and that's on a personal AND a professional level. maybe that's because i've been existing in an NT world AS AN NT for over 40 years (i didn't know i had AS until last year), and i use "NT" modes of communication. well, then go to where the people you want to educate/inform actually ARE, rather than where you think they should be. it IS an NT world, and so everyone has to play by NT rules (and a lot of NTs don't like it, either). life ain't fair, people. get used to it. and then see where you can really change things. i'd rather get results by playing by the majority rules, than make a stand which doesn't actually get anywhere. and it's only by making these small changes that the rules get changed - that's the way it is.

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