Do people lose interest as soon as you reciprocate?
I have noticed this extremely troubling problem:
People seem real interested at first. I mean, the few people that do take an interest. They say "hi", are friendly on the street, etc. Mostly, they are rejects themselves - they express interest in getting together.
However, the moment I return any interest, it dies. The next time I see them, they don't say a word. I've noticed this not only with acquaintances but with people who are friendly to everybody, who most people ignore. (There's this guy who is scruffy looking who talks to everyone, who is ignored by almost everyone, except that I return the hello and respond to conversation. Only, the next time I see him, I'm the only person he doesn't say "hi" to! )
When I used to date on a rare occasion, the relationship would end as soon as I gave a gift (it was Xmas, I gave a nice gift, then the guy made some excuses as to why he couldn't show up on a planned "date" later) ..
This type of thing happens to me continually - I'm friendly back and/or return the "interest", only the person disappears.
Does this happen to you? Do people lose interest in you, as soon as you "reciprocate" the same level of interest?
This goes on around me a lot?
I've socially isolated myself due to it in the past, I don't like it when people show fake interest just to be polite. Which I assume is happening whenever I encounter this.
A coworker of mine actually does this to me, I'll stand there and listen to him. Speak with him. But the moment I share my thoughts, he doesn't care enough to pay any attention.. He'll make any excuse to get out of it, even though I don't do that even if I really want to. I'm just conditioned to be polite and be nice I guess, I'm unsure. But lately I've been very silent, his avoidance of me has probably gotten worse even though I don't get angry with him or anything negative. But, I guess it doesn't matter so much.. I'm not sure. I'm not really sure how to feel about it aside from disappointed, because I like to socialize sometimes.. and then everyone tends to avoid me or something.
People are really turned off by (what I've been told) is my non-emotion, so I guess once people catch on that I'm not visually set to smile, get sad, angry or anything like that in frank of whatever they're talking about.. I guess they sort of avoid?
I've run into this my whole life and have yet to figure out what's behind it.
I wonder if this happens to all people (NT too) and is just a normal social thing - or that it happens to me because of the way I am.
Anyone have any insights as to why?
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Diagnosed Asperger's
I think it's normal and it happens to everyone. But it may happen more often though to people who come across as quiet, aloof, shy, haughty, mysterious, standoffish, etc. People want to break down what they perceive as a barrier.
Some people want to feel like they are on friendly terms with everyone, not necessarily having an actual friendship, just thinking that they CAN if they want to. If you're not openly friendly with them, it makes them antsy. They just want to get a sense of who you are and what you think of them. Once they feel you out, they back off.
For some it's driven by an underlying anxiety or mistrust of people, or fear or rejection. They just want to make sure you wouldn't be against them for some reason. Then when they find out you're not, they relax. For others it's a form of social conquest, and they want to have a way "in" with everyone around them (in case they want a favor from you?)
Also some people really just don't know what they want, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, but friendships as well. They are compulsive about trying to form connections with people and then dropping them. They just don't stop to think it through before they approach someone.
I think with some people it really is a power game, they just get off on having others be available to them, listen to them, etc. They don't really have any intention of reciprocating.
Yes. It happens to me all the time. About 3 weeks ago, I was talking with my lab partner about GTA5, because we both love the game. She said "We should play online together." and I said that it sounded like fun. The next time I saw her, I brought it up again, and asked her what her gamertag was. She suddenly got this deer-caught-in-the-headlights look on her face, and started stammering some excuses about why she couldn't play online with me.
Whenever I start talking with someone in school and I think we might be becoming friends, they suddenly seem to start avoiding me. As in, they'll say "hi" if I see them in the hallway, but then they'll keep walking, as if they don't want to talk to me. And even when I think someone is a casual friend, they still don't hang out with me or sit with me in class. They'll talk to me for a few minutes, and then say they have to leave for whatever reason.
_________________
Your Aspie score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 63 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Not only this (post) is a good question but also a good observation and good example about human behaviour in general. Most people (mostly NTs), do not have genuine interest in others to begin with. They are "just curious" rather than "interested". Interest is a deep thing only a few people are capable of. Curiosity is something almost everybody has got.
NTs are mostly curious about how you look,how you dress and also they are curious about the person behind the appearance, i.e. how/what you talk. They are curious about these "superficial things" all the time. Once their curiosity is satisfied (i.e. they get to know you superficially ),they lose interest/curiosity in you and proceed on to their "next victim" to satiate their new curiosity.
This is NT behaviour in general.
Although I may listen to their "blahblahblahs", I seldom let them know the real me which they are not interested to know anyway. Superficiality is what they are looking for.
NTs are mostly curious about how you look,how you dress and also they are curious about the person behind the appearance, i.e. how/what you talk. They are curious about these "superficial things" all the time. Once their curiosity is satisfied (i.e. they get to know you superficially ),they lose interest/curiosity in you and proceed on to their "next victim" to satiate their new curiosity.
This is NT behaviour in general.
Although I may listen to their "blahblahblahs", I seldom let them know the real me which they are not interested to know anyway. Superficiality is what they are looking for.
lol
NTs so evil
_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk
NTs so evil
I am not much concerned with the moral values of good and evil here. Rather it is my observation of some social facts which might be good/evil depending on my/your personal values. But values are not important here. Observation of facts is which helps us to understand social phenomenon and patterns of communication. I also do not intend to draw broad generalizations here based on my observation. But present my observation for others to generalize if they want to.
NTs are mostly curious about how you look,how you dress and also they are curious about the person behind the appearance, i.e. how/what you talk. They are curious about these "superficial things" all the time. Once their curiosity is satisfied (i.e. they get to know you superficially ),they lose interest/curiosity in you and proceed on to their "next victim" to satiate their new curiosity.
This is NT behaviour in general.
Although I may listen to their "blahblahblahs", I seldom let them know the real me which they are not interested to know anyway. Superficiality is what they are looking for.
Like the OP, this is a very perceptive observation. As a rule, neurotypicals are nervous about those who show more than a superficial interest in people, ideas, subjects etc and wish to find out about and discuss them in depth. They have a fear of the profound, the complex (what Plato called 'the good, the true and the beautiful'), because it requires them to make an effort - and because it might also confront them with their own shallowness.
Frankly, they are wearyingly disappointing to be around.
jrjones9933
Veteran
Joined: 13 May 2011
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,144
Location: The end of the northwest passage
This part really sounds legit. It's also possible that some people have never experienced a genuine reciprocation of their interest, and need some time to process it.
OP, I'd suggest you try again to connect with the people who actually interest you. Gently, though.
_________________
"I find that the best way [to increase self-confidence] is to lie to yourself about who you are, what you've done, and where you're going." - Richard Ayoade
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