Can a NT explain to me what having a conversation is like?

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What is the experience like? Do you receive vibes? Do you only listen to the words spoken?

When I'm not anxious and enjoying the conversation it just feels spontaneous and happy. I receive a lot of 'vibes' and do not listen only to what is spoken, though that is at the forefront of my mind. I will always be trying to understand as much of the situation as possible. It's not that I suspect a person has an ulterior motive but my past interactions and knowledge of them seem to combine automatically to form intuitions of their thoughts and feelings involved in their decision making (i.e. why are they having this conversation, what is their motivation for what they are saying?).

The actual question is too broad for me. I am more capable of answering sub-questions such as the ones in your post.

Having a conversation with someone helps me understand what that person is thinking and allows me to get to know the other person better. Conversations consists of listening to the words, reading the body language and offering suggestions/opinions. You can learn a lot about someone by speaking to them and vise versa. Of course comfort is key. You have to be comfortable with the person in order to open up and try to have an easy going conversation. Try to find a topic you like and strike up a conversation about it with a loved one for practice, and try to talk about the topics they like so they can open up to you too. Good luck

What type of vibes do you get? Do you get vibes in every conversation?

I'm an aspie but I find it easier to stay in a conversation when i have alcohol in my system, it somehow makes it easier to talk like its therapeutic for my vocal cords, although being drunk might slur speech, it certainly has its benefits when talking about random stuff, things I may not be willing to talk about. The stereotype as social difficulty in loud, talkative environments like restaurants doesn't always apply, there are times I feel anxious about speaking to family but at the table it's somewhat easier, the anticipation and eating food creates energy especially in my case where I have things to talk about as I don't dine out as much, probably once every few months.

Hi,
I'm an NT and I will try to explain how a conversation feels for me.

I am listening to the words and trying to find little things we both have in common to bond better. ie if the other person had said they were late today as they slept through their alarm I may say (as long as it is the truth) "oh I do that all the time! I completely missed an appointment last week!" That will usually cause the other person to laugh and I will feel as if we have a little bond.

I will gauge how the other person is feeling. ie I may ask them how they are and they may say "I'm ok". I may notice however that their tone of voice is a bit dejected, their body language looks a bit sad (ie hunched over) or they dont look happy. In this instance I may press them further by saying "Are you sure you are OK? You don't seem quite yourself" This would usually cause the other person to reveal if there is something wrong. I think sometimes people say they are ok out of politeness. If they do say "well actually I am a bit sad as my son has left home" etc etc then we will talk about that and bond that way.

In general I have different types of conversations. factual ones - say at the library to ask to order a book. Real friendships where we tell each other how we feel and ones where I am trying to become more friendly with someone.

With the friendship conversations I like to get something from the conversation so that I feel good (bonding) and I also like the other person to feel good also.

For me (whatever I may be), conversation is as varied as the people having it and the topic that it's about.

I know it bothers me when relative strangers try to make a bonding conversation with me over mundanities like oversleeping, which is a thing that like, everyone does, and is boring and annoying to discuss. But its easy conversation to have.

At the same time, I am thinking back to when I had some really great friends, and conversation about things like
their habits compared to mine, was interesting. Sometimes its interesting to just know people, but depends on the person I guess.

I think I do pick up vibes. However, not always. If the person is being as acting as I am, the vibe is basically nothing. Most discussion I have these days with anyone is unvibing and unreciprocating, but feels that way because of me, not them. Good conversation is definitely a 2-sided (or more) thing.

That feeling of having a connection to someone else is actually pretty rare to me. There are so many people whom I quickly become uninterested in interacting with, some because they're boring, some because they seem untrustworthy, others because it's like we're from 2 different worlds and so share none of the same values or interests.

The sensory input from having a conversation is not noticeable like how I think you would expect it to be. It's more like when you're reading and you're not parsing each individual letter but whole words, and even then, you're probably just taking in the whole sentence or idea, and not even paying much attention to the individual words once you've got the gist of something. So when I read I see letters, but I don't parse letters.

Like letters in writing, I notice body language and facial expression and tone and all that stuff, but I don't parse it individually unless for some reason I want or need to. And it's not a 'vibe', it's more concrete than that. It's like seeing someone, and interpreting that they don't want to be talked to, or seeing someone, and interpreting that they are really happy. The interpretation is not a 'vibe', it is pretty hard knowledge about that person. It's actually communicating something pretty solid, and it's amalgamation of body language, facial expression, words, tone of voice, everything! Like, I could tell that something was really up when one of my co-workers walked into the store one morning with this really worried but happy look on her face, and putting together that she'd gained a lot of weight visibly, figured out with 95% certainty that she was pregnant before she said anything.


'Vibes' to me are when there's some sort of reciprocity, or something feels...off or eery. Like, a couple of my regular customers, I just do not trust. They are...too slick, too perfect, and I get the idea that they will do anything for themselves if they wouldn't get caught.

I know I am good at acting because I have been explicitly told I am. Like, I went to a party once where I only knew the hostess pretty much, and I was nervous about it, but I told myself to try and feel confident and act it, and later on that night, with alcohol as lubricant (otherwise they would not have said that), someone out of the blue was like 'wow, when you first showed up, you were owning it, you were so confident'. And when actually acting at one point, friends seemed surprised at how well and how quickly I acted the character I was playing; 'you were so believable'

I also gather I'm good at reading fairly blank when I am not interested in any sort of bonding because I don't get offers for friendship from acquaintances; which is the way I like it.

It really depends on whether I know the person well, what else we're doing (we might be doing two things at once, or at a social event where we don't have much time to really get into details), how I'm feeling and how they're feeling, who else is near by (some things I won't say around people I don't know well), and so on. If I'm upset, tired, or feeling sick, I can't always pay close attention, but that's when I usually make a real effort and deliberately try to hear every word. Sometimes I have a lot to say, and sometimes I just want to listen, so then I'll ask more questions or just support the other speaker via things like sympathizing with them, vividly imagining what they're telling me, or maybe just giving them a hug if they're upset, or a high-five if they're happy, and so on.

Connect – Thanks for sharing. I had some questions:

1) If you are at a social gathering where you don’t know someone else and you start talking with that person, do you consider yourself “trying to become more friendly” with that person? Also, what is the expected outcome when you are trying to become more friendly”? Is it simply to pass time (so the social gathering does not seem unbearable)? Or, are you looking to establish something where you will see this person again perhaps sometime in the future?
2) When you are conversing with someone that you are “trying to become more friendly with” how do you figure out what to talk about?
3) How long can you maintain a conversation with someone “where I am trying to become more friendly with” without getting tired and/or bored?
4) How do you know when to end the conversation? When you get bored?
5) If you make a connection with someone that you are “trying to become more friendly with”, what does it feel like?
6) Do you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert? When you are conversing with someone that you are “trying to become more friendly with”, what is it like when they are opposite of you (i.e. if you are an introvert and they are an extravert or visa versa)?
7) When you are conversing with someone that you are “trying to become more friendly with” how much back/forth exists in the conversation. Do you dominate the conversation? Does the other person dominate the conversation? Etc.?

Inquiring minds...

I try to do that in conversations, (like, if I say something like "that happens to me all the time" or something like that) but I guess it just comes across as awkward and weird, because most of the time, the other person will just stop talking for a few seconds. Sometimes, they make an excuse about why they need to leave, but there is almost always an awkward silence for a few seconds.

Same here. I try to be sociable and friendly with people, but it seems like the more I try to be friendly and talk with people, (not in a pushy way) the more it pushes them away.
Whenever I see someone I've been working with and getting along with in class, outside of class, they usually just say "hi" and keep on walking. Nobody ever seems to want to spend any time with me.