New here...not diagnosed

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Hello all

I don't really know how to begin posts in forums, but I'll try to start somewhere

I guess I'm here because I've only ever been able to empathize with people that others see as "different", and I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in, like I'm from a different planet or something

I've never been mentally evaluated or tested, but my mother told me that my pediatrician said I showed signs of either autism or mild seizures because I would stare blankly when she asked questions (and I know they weren't seizures...I remember her asking me these questions and I was confused by them and didn't know what to say because I was in my own small dreamland; they were simple questions, like "Do you want juice with that?")

As long as I remember, I've been baffled by human interaction and it feels confusing and cold to some kind of second skin, like a skin where you feel sounds, and feel smells, and feel images, and feel concepts; most social interaction feels like the molecules that make up my body and mind are spreading with cold air between them, and my surroundings rearrange themselves too quickly for me to keep up

I'm 21 and still don't have a driver's license. I have a permit which I received by taking the written test, and I practice with my mom, brother, or father in the passenger's seat but I haven't gotten to the point where I trust myself to take an actual road test; the surroundings distract me and it's like everything I see pretty much shouts at my eyes and the road noise feels like a hundred men drunk and dancing on my brain.

My parents never put me in school because they knew I was different and wouldn't cope well in a public education system. I was extremely shy as a child, and I remember when other kids would try to talk to me I would turn and look at a wall, or walk away crying. I had an intense obsession with Charlie Chaplin, the silent film comedian, from when I was about four to maybe six, and I would watch his shows, draw pictures of him, try to walk like him, use dowel rods as canes, etc. (I'm a girl, btw...this was seen as extremely eccentric to everyone because he was pretty much all I talked about) And then I had an intense hatred for him and I didn't want anyone to say his name :/ If my brothers tried to make me watch his shows again I would have tantrums. I would yell at my brother if he said his name. His name still makes me cringe. I don't know what happened.
I went through a horse phase, and knew the lineage of all the horse breeds and how to care for them, feed them, etc. but I think pretty much every girl goes through that phase
I then went through an intense obsession with Lord of the Rings, from when I was eight till I was twelve.
I then had an obsession with the band Chicago...an oldies rock group. I knew everything about them and would talk about them to everyone any chance I got. This lasted for about a year, two years. I still remember the names of all the band members and random facts about their personal lives. As creepy as that sounds, lol. But I honestly don't give a hoot about the band now.

The obsessions go on...my life is pretty much a string of obsessions. My obsessions are like stepping stones that move me forward. I grasp onto anything that catches my fancy, and I hold on mercilessly and explore it. Without obsession, I am not alive. Well I don't know; I've never really had an absence of obsession, so I can't say for sure. For a while, I was obsessed with jazz theory, chord extensions, chord progressions, song structure, lyrical structure, harmony, all things music...not music in itself, but how it's made. I wanted to be a musician but the idea of touring, being on stage, interacting with people, so on, frightened and exhausted me.
When I was eighteen I went through a stop motion animation phase where I was up until the wee hours of the morning making stop motion videos. I was also obsessed with all things Mighty Boosh. Really, really obsessed. I had a blog on tumblr where I posted nothing but Mighty Boosh references/images/gifs. Then I got angry at myself for it and deleted the blog. Oh yeah; I went through a stop motion phase when I was seven, as well.
Well, I could keep going with the obsessions. I think, at my age, I've learned to spread them out some, and find balance of some sort; but every day is like an individual vibrant terrarium to me where I am equally fascinated and appalled. I am currently obsessed with statistical fallacies in medicine, even though I have no desire to become a doctor. I also have a fascination with logic and reasoning.

Talking to people is like an obstacle course. I don't understand visual or tonal cues. For example, my coworker tried to high-five me yesterday and I found it extremely confusing and bothersome. This happens every time someone tries to high five me. I never get used to it, and I don't understand the appeal of hitting someone else's hand with your own. I thought maybe he was waving hello, and I found that odd because I had been working with him all day. I didn't know what to do so I slowly mimicked him by raising my hand in the air in the same position he had his, and he said "too slow", and I realized it was a high-five.

I get made fun of for taking things literally. I hate the feeling of clothes, and the feeling of certain plastics and rubber. I hate the feeling of concrete, drywall, chalk, and metal. If I hold any of those items in my hand, I almost feel it in my mouth as well, and my spine. It takes a while for me to get rid of the feeling even after I'm no longer holding any of those things. I can't stand the sound of metal rubbing against metal; it gives me chills and the sensation of cold silver being poured beneath my fingernails. I can't stand the sound of something scratching against drywall, and I can't stand the sound of things dragging across smooth concrete. My cat scratched her claw against some dry wall a few months back and the sound made me so tense that I had a headache until the next morning. I'm frightened of semi trucks (the sound they make) and any other noisy vehicle. I hate vacuum cleaners, power saws, blenders. I can use them but I find them extremely stressful. Shopping is exhausting and I often have to go lie down in a quiet place afterwards; the combination of sights, sounds, and smell is too much for me. I fidget often as a way of coping, or twist my head to one side, or move my legs, or in extreme cases rock from side to side or back and forth. Getting to sleep is hard because I hear EVERY thing.

Every day is a struggle for me. Dealing with what's inside my head, and outside. I have social phobia, though now much less than my teen years. I've come to accept that I'm different, and it's made me less afraid of people. Mostly, I now just find socializing annoying, unnecessary, and tiring, but sometimes the fear crops up as well.

Well I don't know where I was going with this. I just wanted a place to vent where I knew others would maybe understand...I've never been officially diagnosed, but I find that the only people I can identify with are those who have autistic traits. I don't know what to do...my problems have been crippling in finding a job/moving out on my own. I work for my parents on construction jobs.

Again, I'm not asking for help, just venting I was complaining to my long distance boyfriend a while back, and he's said twice that he thinks I might be autistic, because both of his sisters are diagnosed and have some of the same problems that I do. I was appalled at first, but I've come to change my views on it, and even embrace the possibility...it would explain so much.

hi, kay..., welcome. i'm not diagnosed either, but AS just makes so much sense of my life. i hope you find WP a helpful and comforting place.

Thanks for the welcome, Cathylynn

Hi Kay, welcome to WP. I'd have to say that based on your post, you sound like a pretty textbook case. Have you given any thought to getting assessed?

Welcome to Wrong planet it sounds like you have aspergers some of the things you said I can relate too.
I'm not diagnosed either its a bit to late for me now as I'm 51 years old and when I was younger they didn't know anything about Aspergers so I didn't get the help when I was a child.

I have given thought to getting assessed. I don't know what it would change.

Hi, welcome to Wrong Planet! I'm sure you'll find plenty of people here who will empathise with your situation. Even if it doesn't change much, it might be a good idea to get a diagnosis, which will answer some of the questions that seem to be tormenting you. And then you might get access to various programmes, assuming that was something that you feel you need.

I'm going through diagnosis myself at the moment, at the age of 57 - so you're never too old! But I'm in the UK, where we're entitled to a free diagnosis by the National Health Service. If you're in the USA then there are obviously cost implications. No one on WP can diagnose you online, even if they are a psychologist (and there are a few here!), but you'll get plenty of good advice and support.

Thanks I'm seriously considering it; it might help in finding a job if the employer has an idea of my strengths and weaknesses.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

An assessment is a big step for most of us. It is good to be prepared. I started out with the Wired magazine re-publication of the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre (ARC) Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) screening test ( http://archive.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html ). After scoring beyond threshold, I went to the ARC web site ( http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/arc_tests) where I found several factor tests (Empathy Quotient (EQ) for Adults, Friendship and Relationship Quotient (FQ) and Systemizing Quotient (SQ) (Adult)) which help to better describe why my AQ screening-test score was so significant.

After that, I read a few books including Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome to get a broader knowledge of the subject. Attwood is great. I used his published list of Asperger's and autism characteristics ( http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php/about-aspergers ) to help myself determine which characteristics I have.

I started to attend local Asperger's and autism meet-up support groups. I now attend a semiannual one-day autism conference sponsored at the University of Utah. It is very informative. Best of all, it connected me to some of the best autism professionals in my state. With its help, I am attending the IMFAR International Meeting for Autism Research conference in Salt Lake City next week.

So, there are several things to do to better prepare for an assessment. While doing them, you gain knowledge and refine your understanding of yourself. The national political-advocacy group Autistic Self Advocacy Network ( http://www.autisticadvocacy.org/ ) calls this "self-aware" as opposed to "self-diagnosed." Many adults are self-aware and leave it at that. If and when your assessment date rolls around, you will be ready for it.

Of course, your background story sounds like you have researched and recognized a lot about yourself already.

Good luck!

I'll look into the info you've provided. You're very resourceful! Thanks for the help.

For me it was more a matter of closure than anything; I was finally able to point to the thing that made me different, knowing that I wasn't simply strange. It also improved my relationship with my family; they became more patient after my diagnosis, understanding that all my idiosyncrasies were not just me trying to be annoying. I am in university too, and the diagnosis helped me get academic accommodations for my exams, which made keeping up in class easier, and I was also able to use it at my job to ensure my supervisors didn't give me work I wasn't able to do because of my condition. I don't know if any of that applies to you, but I found getting the label helpful.

I've been thinking about that since I saw your question this morning. It could help in the areas you mentioned; I'm tired of being seen simply as a rebellious, asocial weirdo. Oftentimes my unwillingness to socialize and lack of organization is misattributed to laziness/fear; in reality, I'm the opposite of lazy, very manic, have trouble prioritizing correctly, and simply find social interaction annoying and unnecessary :/ sometimes fear is involved, but more often than not it's annoyance and I just find public places overstimulating.