On the spectrum or just an awkward NT?

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Hi everyone,

I'm unsure of whether or not I am actually on the autism spectrum and have learned to compensate for it somewhat, or am just a really shy and awkward neurotypical. As a young child I looked a lot more autistic than I do now at 22. I was (am?) hyperlexic and could read by the time I was 2, though I often didn't understand what I was reading. I didn't have any language delays that I know of, but I was extremely private even as a tiny child, always in my own world, and didn't always respond very well when people talked to me or said my name - my mom thought I had hearing problems. Throughout childhood I had the typical aspie trait of intense, repetitive interests. I would write "notes" to people but they would just say the same thing, over and over, usually something I'd seen in a book or a movie. For a while my thing was roller coasters - I memorized a 10-page amusement park brochure, word for word, cover to cover, and would recite it (it didn't occur to me that this was a weird thing to do), and I could tell you all the specs of every roller coaster in the park off the top of my head. I had a favorite computer game that I'd play over and over again and not get bored even though I already knew how to solve all the puzzles in it. Etc. I also took everything literally and didn't understand when people were joking or messing with me.

Somewhere along the way I made some progress, and today I can generally understand body language and facial expression if I'm paying attention, recognize sarcasm (better than some NTs I know, actually), and interpret tone of voice. I have a good sense of what is polite and what isn't, and I understand why people get upset at certain behaviors. These improvements have come both from observation of people and from conscious study; for instance at age 12 I took every book on body language out of the library because at that point I knew it was a weak spot of mine, and after that I improved. I certainly possess empathy - if I inadvertently upset someone I feel terrible, and if I know somebody well, I often pick up on their emotions as soon as they come into the room. However, I often don't know how to act on that empathy. Depending on the situation, I may know the theoretically "correct" thing to do but have no idea how to put it into practice.

My social skills are definitely lacking still, and one of the more "autistic" traits I still have today is my ability to remain mute pretty much indefinitely. Even if I'm in a group of friends, I can sit there for hours and not say anything unless I am very comfortable with most of them. I don't warm up to people the way most people, even shy people, seem to, and it seems like some people (especially other girls) take it personally. As with empathy, my theoretical knowledge of how to act around people is much better than my practical application. Sometimes I think I became so shy and reserved because it's easier to avoid missteps when you're not putting yourself out there to begin with. I am polite (for the most part, though sometimes lacking in social graces and small talk) and can get by on my own; I have been independent for the last four years at college. Never had a problem managing my day-to-day affairs or academics, but connecting with people and making friends did and still does elude me.

Other stuff: I do stim, but it's mostly in socially acceptable ways: doodling, knitting, fiddling with a toy. I have high anxiety, which I know can be correlated with Aspergers, but that might just be a personality thing. Still have intense interests, but they're less weird (these days I'm into comparative mythology and dead languages). My boyfriend, whom I've known for 4 years, says that my voice used to have no inflection but has gotten a lot more natural-sounding over the last couple of years. I can and do make eye contact even though it's hard (through a lot of practice, it's no longer as painful as it was when I was a kid). Also, I think Aspergers/HFA runs in my family, though it doesn't always manifest in the stereotypical way. For instance, my aspie brother is quite the extrovert.

So does what I've described sound like legit autism or Aspergers, albeit on the high-functioning end, or do I sound more like a weird neurotypical? I'm not looking for a label to justify my social difficulties, I'm well aware that some of my awkwardness comes from lack of practice and avoiding people, and I wouldn't use autism as an excuse to stop trying to improve. It's not something that is going to dictate my abilities or self-perception one way or the other, but it's bugging me not to know.

You sound aspie to me. With your insurance, could you get an evaluation?

I had this experience too. When I see someone crying, I don't know what to do and I get overwhelmed. On Baron-Cohen tests such Eyes Test and Faces Test, I scored much better that NTs. I can understand complex emotions such sarcasm or flirting, but this make me feel uncomfortable and sometimes overwhelmed. I have a discrepancy between things that I understand and things that I express verbally. Since childhood I was awkward and anxious, I had special interests (for example, at 13, I wanted to cure cancer through bioenergy) and at early adulthood I get depressed. Last year, I discovered that I am on spectrum and I went to a psychologist, that gave me ADOS module 4. The score confirmed that I am on spectrum. I intend to get a formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist.

Thanks for an excellent post, Sapentia. I don't have much wisdom to offer, except to say that I share some of your life story. I don't know whether I have "true" autism or not. I haven't been evaluated, because there really isn't any upside for me in getting an official diagnosis. All I really care about is that some of the coping skills of officially diagnosed people are also useful to me.

Are you familiar with the concept of "twice exceptional" to describe children who are simultaneously gifted and challenged? I didn't hear this term until recently, but in retrospect I wish that the concept existed when I was coming up. I had been identified as "gifted" on the basis of very precocious math skills, etc., but I was also very challenged in social skills. In sixth grade, I used to go to the gifted class, where I studied high school level math and computer programming on my own. Then I would eat lunch with the kids from the special ed class, who were the only ones I could get along with.