Gossip and Trust

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As far as I can tell, the two most common ways that NTs make conversation is either by complaining or gossiping. I'm good at listening to complaints and I can at least understand the need for anyone to do so, even if I don't always understand the problem. It's gossip that I have a lot of trouble with. I really don't like to gossip about people, and I think that's why people always want to trust me with their gossip. They know I won't repeat it. I don't like them gossiping to me though, because I still feel complicit in the act and guilty for what's being said about the other people. Then I'm afraid of what they might gossip about me. My family is pretty bad about gossiping too, and that's probably the biggest reason I have difficulty trusting them. They'll gossip about each other, so I don't feel any safer for being part of the family. I tend not to share many details of my personal life with them, including my Asperger's.

How do all of you deal with gossip, and can you still trust those who do it?

I think gossip tells you more about the people that are gossiping than about the person being gossiped about. That's my attitude about gossiping. I certain don't trust those that gossip. I tell them as little as possible and I don't take their stories seriously.

I often consider the phrase, "people assume of others what they know of themselves."

I can't stand people who gossip, and I especially don't like the two-faced effect that comes with being a gossiper.

The building I live in has the worst gossip problem of anywhere I've ever lived, and since I'm a person who values privacy and need to feel anonymous and under the radar, it's causing me high levels of anxiety to know that I've become a subject of the gossip here too (long story how I know this but I discovered it to be true).

What really bothers me is that one person I trusted here turns out to be one of the gossipers and is "playing" everyone by telling each of us it "goes no further."

There is nothing that upsets me more than to realize someone has been deceiving me and has been two-faced.

Gossip and the two faced crap that gossipers pull is a nasty little activity.

Worse, they tend to exaggerate and even make stuff up, technically slander legally.

I really can't stand gossip either. I walk away when it's going on (when I can). It does make me feel very self-conscious (if this is how they operate, what do they say about me?).

I've found that if the gossiper is pretty religious, I can usually encourage them to stop (at least when they are around me). ...because they probably have a belief that it is morally wrong and just temporarily forgot.

I also am not a fan of the form of complaining I call "husband bashing" that many woman do when it's just women--it's extremely common, unfortunately. I think it's incredibly degrading to the men and shows a great lack of empathy to those they pledge to love through "sickness and health". I also walk away or stop attending places where that conversation happens frequently. I've only ever tried to stop this in groups where my mother was involved--and I got her on my side first. Didn't work, but I tried.

At work, my co-workers say I have a "happy bubble" to describe the phenomenon that I won't engage in negative talk about others. At least one of my coworkers is jealous as she sees I have a happier outlook about people in general and that I have much less social anxiety than she does (I do have social anxiety, but it's about communicating at all, I don't worry people are out to get me like she does). Occasionally she asks me how I got to be that way and ways for her to be a little more like that.

So, standing firm with not saying negative things about others and encouraging questioning these beliefs has paid off over time. (slowly)

Want to clarify something in my post but I missed the Edit window of time:

Where I said "What really bothers me is that one person I trusted here turns out to be one of the gossipers and is "playing" everyone by telling each of us it "goes no further." " I didn't intend for the "it" which goes no further to seem like I meant "gossip," but in fact by "it" I meant "anything I confided in him about my own life," was something he told me would go no further but then it did.

Oh man, that's really low. Perhaps telling people, "be careful what you say around them," is a necessary sort of gossip.

Yes, someone else did once say to me: "be careful what you tell them" and unfortunately I just took that as malicious gossip too, and went ahead and confided something mildly private to that other person!

It is very low for them to have gone ahead and gossiped anyway. I'm now zippin' it with everyone I run into! I don't reveal anything about myself anymore around these people, even harmless stuff. They seem to be able to turn it all into gossip fodder.

...The irony being this very thread is gossiping....

In a general sense rather than particular, but it's still gossiping.

What, then, makes you any different?

I think NT's complain a lot. People with autism complain a lot, too.

Most conversation, I find, is related to conveying information. What you did this past week, what the converstional partner did this past week. The "latest news" is also a common topic of conversation--current events.

Sometimes, there is a little debate going on in conversation; most of the time, the debate is amiable, though divergent opinions might be expressed.

Yes, there is gossip in at least some conversation. And there are complaints.

This goes for every human being, though. All this is not confined to NTs.

This thread is more like expressing a complaint and a problem.

Real "gossip" is:

"Did you hear she lost her job?"

"Do you know he left his wife because she was cheating on him, but really I think he beat her?"

"I don't believe that person is who he says he is."

"Oh really? Who do you think he really is?"

"Well I have this whole theory....."

"Did you see what she was wearing? Hahaha! So ugly."

We're not doing that on this thread. We are talking ABOUT gossiping and gossips, but we're not actually doing any real gossiping. This thread is asking what one does and feels and whether trust should be withdrawn.

This thread is seeking solutions to how to handle gossip.

Actual gossip serves no such purpose. Gossip by definition is purposeless, doesn't even convey information so much as use it for the purposes of entertainment, and is often malicious and uncaring in nature, rather than seeking support or answers.

Seems to me this thread is seeking support and answers.

How is saying that someone is gossiping ABOUT me, gossip in itself? I'm expressing anguish about something that is happening to me. I'm not saying "Ooh this person is three times divorced and dyes her hair."

I'm responding to a thread about trust and gossip by sharing that it's happening to me.

So by your standard, talking to a therapist or marriage counselor about what is happening between you and the person you are having difficulty with is "gossip."

Sorry but I strongly disagree, because in that case we can't ask for help about anxiety caused by someone else, or even describe that we are experiencing the topic of this thread.

Sorry but that's not gossip. That's sharing that it's happening to me. Seriously HOW ELSE am I going to describe the situation?

@JT_B_Goode, this is gossip, there's nothing wrong with it as long as its constructive

@sonicallysensitive, exactly what I thought

@BirdInFlight, that's your definition, here's the Google definition:

In your examples, I believe the only case which isn't gossip is the one with the therapist, but personally I have described many therapy sessions as gossip and they fit the description well, its only the "casual" bit in contention, e.g. its a formal meeting full of casual gossip, IMO.

Whoops! Turned from support into a semantics thread!

Yes, under a broad definition gossip is just plain old talking about other people, and it's unavoidable and yadda yadda yadda... neither witty nor enlightening.

Topic of discussion: People talking about others by name with the intent of influencing your opinion about the subject person(s), and how we're able to trust those close to us in spite of it.

They seem to be able to turn it all into gossip fodder.

As you're doing here....

I'm not being argumentative - I'm simply highlighting what could be described as hypocrisy....



Real "gossip" is...

It would appear 'real' gossip is what you deem ok to discuss, and anything else is unacceptable as 'real' gossip. Notwithstanding the fact your statement is a 'true Scotsman' fallacy...

To go back to your original post: how can we trust you given the gossip in this thread?!


(again, I'm not attacking, simply suggesting reflecting on oneself before making generalisations)

I personally don't tolerate it and tell them to cut it out or I'll inform the other person


The above reply normally doesn't allow the conversation to reach this point - which could be described as attempts at manipulation by the other person.