Denial of Asperger's

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I'm prompted to start this by reading something on another website. Basically a wife has told her husband that he has Asperger's but he refuses to accept it. I'm just wondering though whether it would be an Asperger's thing to deny having Asperger's? For me, if someone told me I had Asperger's, I would fully agree with them - but, then again, I do have Asperger's. But that's the point - if you have Asperger's, then, being a person who accepts the truth and correctness, you would fully agree with it. If someone says you have Asperger's and you deny that 'truth', then you mustn't really have Asperger's at all since, if you did, you would accept the truth that you do. Indeed it would seem more of a neurotypical trait to me to deny the truth! For that is what neurotypical people seem to tend to do quite often (although I am maybe being very controversial and not sure whether I intended to be or not!). If you really do have Asperger's then, being a person who has Asperger's, you would accept that as true. Or is it just me?

Then again, although I do tend towards correctness and 'the truth', I can make mistakes (which I usually notice myself and put to correctness) and there are different variants of 'the truth' - more than one opinion is possible to hold with rational, logical support for it - perhaps an Asperger's person can deny that they have Asperger's, when they do not realise that they have it and may be incorrect but, when they at some point look into the matter, may then realise they have it and change their opinion to accept it. Or maybe they may be in a state of denial as not wanting to accept the "horrible" truth that they have it, as it may be too uncomfortable for them to do so. (They may think it is a "bad" thing to have, although in my view it is not - or is not necessarily... of course I stand back with complete objectivity and neither accepting nor rejecting any viewpoint as both may have elements of truth it could be argued.)

My feeling is that, if you told a person who does not have Asperger's/autism, that they were - or might be - autistic, they may well be quite offended by that. However, if you tell someone who has Asperger's/autism, but who maybe was undiagnosed at the time, that they have it, or might have it, the response you may get may be "well, that's a reasonable proposition actually". In fact, that did happen to myself, before I was diagnosed. The person who referred me for my diagnosis suggested I might be autistic and I thought (and told them so) "actually that might be right", having considered the possibility myself and thought about it rationally. But, then, that is an Asperger's thing. And of course it turned out that I was right!

Would anyone who really has Asperger's deny having it?

I had to laugh because your analysis of all this makes it clear that you have Asperger's. LOL

But yeah, in response to your OP, I was told just like you were. At the time I had no idea what Asperger's meant or what it meant to be on the Spectrum but I always knew I belonged on the Island of Misfit Toys. So for me it was a great relief when I was told. It was an Aha moment and from there I was able to thoroughly research it and eventually get diagnosed which confirmed it. The difference between me and the person you are mentioning is that I was not told by my husband. I think if he had told me it would have been much harder for me to accept and I would have probably been offended and I am not sure what would have happened after that. I most likely would have looked into it but much later after having had time to lick my wounds. The fact that a friend that I respected told me, and one who happened to be somewhat of an expert in Autism, made a huge difference in how I reacted to hearing it. It's not that I don't respect my husband, I do very much. But that particular piece of information would not have been received well if it had come from him because he did not know hardly anything about Autism at the time. And he is too close to me to be the one to throw that bombshell on me. So the denial might have more to do with hearing it from a spouse than from just hearing it even though many people will object and deny when they are first told.

I think one's reception might depend on what one's preconception of Asperger's IS. If a person has an inaccurate, negative mental picture of Asperger's, like they are deficient and damaged, they might well reject the notion, at least until they've been given a more accurate picture. Having it come from someone they respect helps too. I think we are as capable of self-deception as anybody else. John Elder Robison's initial reaction to being told (by a psychologist friend) was, "What the hell is this?" After reading the descriptions more thoroughly, he calmed down and admitted that did sound like him.

I pretty much had no notion of what Asperger's was. I'd heard of autism and thought that was like Rainman, the kid in Mercury Rising, or Gary Bell on Alphas, but didn't know much about Asperger's. I'd seen a TV show with a lady that was supposed to have Asperger's, The Bridge, but it didn't feel much like me.

What happened was, a friend of mine posted a list of Asperger girl's traits on her Facebook page, not because she thought I had it, but because her daughter did and she thought other Mom's should keep an eye out for these traits in their daughters. Surprise! It read like my childhood.

I think there is something to this analysis.
I have always thought that it is no big deal if someone tells me that I have autism when I don't know, but it seems less like autistic person to react strongly to being suggested that they have autism.
My parents used to make fun of me for autistic traits often, and I was not offended, did not deny, and did not react strongly or much at all.

I think our reaction to being told we're autistic might have to do with age, and whether we still hold out hope for eventually figuring out how to successfully pass as NT.

When I was in my 20's, my (only) friend told me rather bluntly that "I didn't know how to be with people." And I took offense, because I tried very hard to "know how to be with people" (whatever that means?)

But by my 40's, it was very clear to me that she was right, and try as I might, I would never learn "how to be with people". So it came as a comfort to understand there was a reason for my failure, and that it was due to a neurological condition I was born with, and nothing to be ashamed of.

If it wasn't for some drastic event that made me take the autism/empathy test, I'd likely still be in denial today. I can fully understand. (Please note that I have not been officially diagnosed!)

You think that you may not be normal, but are afraid to call yourself autistic because it has a lot of social stigma... people talk bad s**t about autism, and you just assume that all of it must be true.
No, you can't be autistic... no way.
Any other condition would be acceptable. You can't have your worldview crushed like this... you would suddenly "become" one of those (according to the stigma) crazy people...
...
...
Let's just assume it can't be autism and keep looking for other answers.

And then you may or may not eventually look into autism, find out and come to accept that you're autistic, and learn that it's alright to be autistic and realize that most people don't have a proper understanding of it.
Although... the stigma still sucks, but whatever.

The first time I ever though I might possibly be on the spectrum was when I was in college as an education major, reading an article on autism. However, I thought "no way" because I didn't have ALL the traits, not realizing that not every autistic person does not have every trait.

Many years later, after my son was born, I suspected autism, but once again, he didn't exhibit ALL the traits. Even after another person suspected he might have Aspergers, I thought "no", again for the same reasons.

Not until about three years ago did I realize that not every autistic trait applies to every autistic. It was in the pursuit of truth that I said "no", out of not wanting to call myself (or my son) something that we aren't. Now, I say I suspect we are on the spectrum. But I can't say for sure that I am because I don't have an official diagnosis. It is certainly not something I ran from or towards because of a desire to avoid something I considered bad or, in the other direction, because it is "trendy."

It has been a years-long process of learning. It is too much of a generalization to say that because someone avoids admitting they have Aspergers that it is because they are NT. Of course, a lot more information is available online now than 20 years ago so people can do their own research.

Denial is a basic human defense mechanism. Since Autistics are human no reason we should not do it also. If an autistic does not have autism as a special interest he or she would rather move on to thier special interests thus denying it. Autistics have difficulties in social communication thus may not understand they are presenting autistic traits.

My boss in the late 1990's suggested I was autistic. I thought he was doing that to bully me or use it to control me and pay me less. A decade later I noticed a TV charactor had similar traits to me. I read she had Asperger traits and figured I probably have it to. I read a few articles about Aspergers. Since Autism was not a special interest but a mild curiosity a few articles were enough. Thus I did not understand it was a pervasive development disorder missing its huge importance

When I was first diagnosed, I denied having it despite the fact that I had no idea what it meant to have Asperger's.

If I'd have taken the time to research it back in 2007, I may not have been in denial for the next 6 years, not that knowing I've got it made much of a difference to my life other than having moments like, "Ah, that explains why that happened all those years ago!" or "Oh, that's why I'm like the way I am!" I always thought I was from outer space before my diagnosis!

When my mom told me in 1998 I had it, I just thought "Oh that is what's wrong with my brain" and I wasn't happy about it to know I had something wrong with me and that it meant I would never be normal. I didn't even know what it was then so I assumed I had it very bad. I think I was in denial then because I thought I can get rid of it. I was unhappy about it for a while because I didn't accept it. But yet I didn't even know what it was until I started reading about it but it still took me months after to accept it. But if me thinking everyone had it and it was all made up, I think that was still in denial because I was trivializing myself and didn't want to be pathologicalized. My school counselor said I was just starting to cope with it.

I think people elsewhere have missed the main point I was making. As usual, I waffled on about something else and ended up causing confusion . I wasn't asking whether people were offended by it being suggested - truthfully! - that they were autistic, interesting though people's replies are. Instead I was asking whether a person who has Asperger's/autism would react by denying that truth.

It's certainly possible for a person who has Asperger's not to know what Asperger's is. Aspies can lack perfect knowledge, just like anyone else. You can therefore deny having Asperger's because you do not "know" what Asperger's is. Sometimes, I think, for us, knowledge has to be 100% certain (which it never is!) before we can say we know anything at all. I think this is a philosophical point however (and, probably, another tangent ).

Your denial may have been, indeed, not merely despite not knowing what it meant to have Asperger's but perhaps because of it (and indeed do I fully, even now, know 100% what every possible ramification of having it means?). Once you researched it, and therefore knew what it meant (we'll ignore the philosophical point that knowledge is impossible), you accepted it, because you then knew it was true. This is perfectly consistent with what I said in my OP.

EDIT: Original quote snipped in order to clarify which part of that post I was referring to.

Again, you did not deny any truth about having it, because you did not realise (or "know") that you did. Typically for me, I suspected that I might have Asperger's about 30 years ago (that is before the medical profession even 'knew' about it and me way ahead of everyone again ). I suspected this for about a week and then forgot about it: I thought about it, but wrongly ruled it out because I thought that you had to achieve straight As in every school exam to have Asperger's, whereas for me I pushed my back out to achieve what I did (which wasn't always straight As). (I sometimes wonder now maybe I had to work harder to compensate for my Asperger's.)

Of course, Asperger's was always there, in the background, whilst I simply got on with life for the next couple of decades and more and I continued with me not "knowing" that I had it. I was never in denial and would extremely likely have not denied it if someone had said I was. (I suspect I would have thought - and said - "hmm, maybe I am".) On a couple of rare occasions, I thought about it but never thought of myself as having it, because I did not know. It was only with my official diagnosis (about four years ago), or perhaps the referral to that diagnosis, that it finally clicked and I accepted fully that I had it. Although if I'd be told earlier that I had it, I probably would have accepted it too (but, then again, maybe part of this is my own tendency just to accept meekly what people say and lack of negotiation ability - I always put my first offer and cards on the table at the outset as I am so truthful: I want to do a slight frown at this point, but, typically, I can't find the right emotion symbol to express that ).

About an official diagnosis, I don't think you can be "sure" even if you get one of those, as I can't completely rule out the possibility that a member of the medical professional could be wrong in their diagnosis - although, barring that possibility, it can be said to provide "confirmation". Of course, a diagnosis is based on what human beings in society have decided and created the concept that they call "Asperger's" (or autistic spectrum disorder etc.) - but I suppose "knowledge", when we are speaking in English, has to work within the concepts that have been created within the English language and the meanings that human beings who speak what they describe in language as "the English language" have created within that what they (and me) call "language" - another esoteric and philosophical point again!

But I'm getting off the point. I think it's possible, in someone's own mind, to be "sure" (or sure enough - as we can never be fully sure (at one stage we were "sure" that Pluto was a planet)) that they have Asperger's even without an "official" (whatever that means) diagnosis. For what, after all, is a "diagnosis"? Merely the opinion of another human being (albeit one that has been through all the medical qualifications and training etc. and therefore whose view might be given more "weight" than other human beings who either have not or who hold perverse opinions that don't conform with the facts). Misdiagnoses can occur, although I like to think they are on very rare occasions*, and equally people can have Asperger's without having any "official" diagnosis at all and the fact they do not have such a diagnosis does not change the fact (according to the concepts of society) they have Asperger's (or autistic spectrum disorder, whatever they call it: I know that, technically, the definitions in some manuals have changed).

*And the reason I "like" to think this is probably because it is probably true (unlike maybe NTs who tend to console themselves into falsehoods such as them looking perfectly fine and not fat at all in their chosen dress! Then again, I like sometimes wrapping myself up in falsehoods to make me feel better when the truth is unpleasant).