Hate being ignored when talking with another person

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Noca
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22 May 2015, 3:59 pm

This is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand is when I am in a conversation with someone, they ask me a question then ignore whatever I have to say. They just nod their head and smile instead of asking me which part of my explanation they did not understand, which if they had, I would be happy to explain what I was trying to say in other words for as long as it would take. I'd rather someone not talk to me at all if they weren't going to listen to what I have to say. I don't know if this is an aspergers thing, as my speech, the words I choose, the topics I talk about, the way I convey my thoughts are not always seen as typical or normal.



pcgoblin
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22 May 2015, 4:19 pm

In confess I do this some times to other people because my brain sometimes doesn't seem to process language very well. There is nothing complicated about what they are saying. It is like the meaning of the combined words gets blocked. I will sometimes asked them to repeat it, and the second time through, if they say it the same way, the meaning comes through. If they don't say it the same way, thinking I don't understand the concept, then I might have to ask them to repeat that as well. I think it happens more when I'm tired.

Concerning your side of the issue. That happens all the time, but in e-mail form. I will layout an idea, propose a solution, and response is silence. Other members on the e-mail will continue, but no one will address what I said. I have concluded that my e-mails are delivered in invisible bytes. Actually I don't know if I've mangled the idea I was trying to get across, because language is not my best friend, or no one knows what I'm talking about.

The main problem I have talking face to face is working through the idea verbally before the person cuts me off, and either totally misunderstands where I was going with my idea, or they don't address it at all. I'm sorry, that is not what you are referring too, but it is frustrating, especially in groups.

I have know people who have Aspergers and are incredibly precise speakers. I have to listen very closely and if possibly replay what they say in my head before I understand them. If I fail at this and I don't feel comfortable asking them to repeat it, I will not respond. I might be your worse enemy. :wink:



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22 May 2015, 4:29 pm

Noca wrote:
This is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand is when I am in a conversation with someone, they ask me a question then ignore whatever I have to say. They just nod their head and smile instead of asking me which part of my explanation they did not understand, which if they had, I would be happy to explain what I was trying to say in other words for as long as it would take. I'd rather someone not talk to me at all if they weren't going to listen to what I have to say. I don't know if this is an aspergers thing, as my speech, the words I choose, the topics I talk about, the way I convey my thoughts are not always seen as typical or normal.


Oooo, I know what you mean - this happens to be a pet peeve of mine too. On another level, purposefully ignoring can be an ultimate marker of disrespect. It's passive-aggressive, 'What you say doesn't matter.' Really hurts too when I what I have expressed is 'downed,' that is, totally disregarded or treated as if I don't know. :(

pcgoblin, that's okay. In your case, not processing readily is another matter. If anyone is unsure, then asking for clarification is always okay. Certainly, there are times when the listener is busy/pre-occupied, which is understandable.

Anyhow, if someone is ignoring, I guess the best tactic is to walk away.....they don't deserve to hear if they won't listen. Good listening skills are a great attribute.


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Noca
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22 May 2015, 4:29 pm

pcgoblin wrote:
In confess I do this some times to other people because my brain sometimes doesn't seem to process language very well. There is nothing complicated about what they are saying. It is like the meaning of the combined words gets blocked. I will sometimes asked them to repeat it, and the second time through, if they say it the same way, the meaning comes through. If they don't say it the same way, thinking I don't understand the concept, then I might have to ask them to repeat that as well. I think it happens more when I'm tired.

Concerning your side of the issue. That happens all the time, but in e-mail form. I will layout an idea, propose a solution, and response is silence. Other members on the e-mail will continue, but no one will address what I said. I have concluded that my e-mails are delivered in invisible bytes. Actually I don't know if I've mangled the idea I was trying to get across, because language is not my best friend, or no one knows what I'm talking about.

The main problem I have talking face to face is working through the idea verbally before the person cuts me off, and either totally misunderstands where I was going with my idea, or they don't address it at all. I'm sorry, that is not what you are referring too, but it is frustrating, especially in groups.

I have know people who have Aspergers and are incredibly precise speakers. I have to listen very closely and if possibly replay what they say in my head before I understand them. If I fail at this and I don't feel comfortable asking them to repeat it, I will not respond. I might be your worse enemy. :wink:

I might tend to do this to others, typically when their explanation I don't find relevant to what I had on my mind at the time that I asked them. However, if it is relevant, and I don't understand, I will ask them to clarify what they said, specifically the part of their explanation that I did not understand. I won't just nod my head, smile and then turn around and ask them the original question again 5 minutes later.

I may even get to the point of asking for too much clarification as I really cannot understand what the other person had in mind, and end up taking everything at face value.

I unintentionally cut others off while speaking face to face, or on the phone all the time because I have a very hard time understanding when it is and when it isn't appropriate for me to continue speaking. I not only don't have a natural feeling of when, I don't understand it in my mind either when I think about it. I often can recognize other problems associated with my aspergers but may still feel powerless to change or fix them.



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22 May 2015, 10:54 pm

Pet peeve x2.
Two people I speak to routinely do this to me. One has a reason, which might be helpful to consider the like - she has a hearing loss and is embarrassed by the disability, so instead is in denial and refuses to wear her hearing aids. She is anxious that if she says she didn't hear or asks someone to repeat what they said, they will get angry with her or think she's stupid. I explain that I won't be mad if she didn't hear me and asks me to repeat what I said, as I understand she has a hearing problem (but not why she refuses to wear her bloody hearing aids) but it does annoy me when she just pretends she hears me to shut me up. The other one just does not listen, she's too self-involved to care what I'm saying, and that annoys me. Maybe it's us and our speech difficulties? Who knows.


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23 May 2015, 6:33 am

I dislike this greatly and have always had an issue with it. Until learning about Asperger's I never understood why I might, so that is a bit of a relief. But, I've always been a low talker (I sound loud to myself) and it is very frustrating. I hate when I'm ignored and often don't understand how I'm not heard when I'm right next to the person I'm talking to. I also feel uncomfortable talking loudly. Worse, I hate when I say something in a group setting which someone picks up on, but they will repeat it and somehow think they thought of what I said. What I'm saying seems to be at a moderate enough volume for them to hear, but it's like they somehow think they're hearing their own thoughts. Then they get credit for an idea you have or a joke you make. It's very, very annoying.



olympiadis
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23 May 2015, 1:41 pm

Noca wrote:
This is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand is when I am in a conversation with someone, they ask me a question then ignore whatever I have to say. They just nod their head and smile instead of asking me which part of my explanation they did not understand, which if they had, I would be happy to explain what I was trying to say in other words for as long as it would take. I'd rather someone not talk to me at all if they weren't going to listen to what I have to say. I don't know if this is an aspergers thing, as my speech, the words I choose, the topics I talk about, the way I convey my thoughts are not always seen as typical or normal.



You assume that they ask you the question because they want you to provide information, but that's often not the case at all. Much of the time what they do is a form of social/psychological manipulation.

There is more information about this in my "GAMES people play" thread here:
https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopi ... 3&t=276734
GAMES people play



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23 May 2015, 2:20 pm

People either can't hear me then end up accusing me for yelling at them if they tell me to repeat it. Or people blame me for not saying anything. :x (to me I'm already loud, but for them, it sounded like a whisper)
Or don't understand what I mean.

And such event are likely to happen in group chats. It's also the reason why I hate speaking.


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traven
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25 May 2015, 1:05 pm

Noca wrote:
This is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand is when I am in a conversation with someone, they ask me a question then ignore whatever I have to say. They just nod their head and smile instead of asking me which part of my explanation they did not understand, which if they had, I would be happy to explain what I was trying to say in other words for as long as it would take. I'd rather someone not talk to me at all if they weren't going to listen to what I have to say. I don't know if this is an aspergers thing, as my speech, the words I choose, the topics I talk about, the way I convey my thoughts are not always seen as typical or normal.


also, made me think I speak dull or boring
or speak too softly, but when I speak louder I'm accused of speaking too loud

now I get the "you don't let me finish talking" , which is so but I'm actualy listening and have something to put in, and when I'm "allowed" to talk I do not get listened too



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25 May 2015, 1:57 pm

Yes I hate it, though I'm not sure I hate it more than the average person would. I gather it's generally considered to be rude to ask a question and then ignore the answer, unless the question is rhetorical or the answer goes on and on. Even then, there are polite ways of disengaging from dialogue, and suddenly ignoring a person isn't one of them. I agree it could be a sign of game-playing, or maybe just a case of somebody who's got no couth. The moral is the same - steer clear of jerks.