When people offer to help...trust issues

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Getting help from peers, acquaintances, friends, co-workers etc on bettering & overcoming your Asperger challenges seems to be something hard to come by - and I would emphasize reliable help, not the sneaky sabotaging kind where a wolf (bully) is in sheep's clothing.

Fortunately, I've had a couple of benefactors along the way who taught me about use of slang in proper context, expressing oneself appropriately, etc. and we are still friends today - they are very enlightened and liberal-minded people. Unfortunately, those on the "dark side" of the help offering sprung up at various points in my life.

I had the regrettable experience of dealing with a former room-mate/flatmate, as well as a former boss, who reeled me in by telling me that this wasn't my fault, that I've never been taught by anyone, and they would be willing to point out my mistakes and help me correct them. That's when the crap hit the fan, when I had to deal with a long string of psychological abuse that involved berating, yelling, false accusations, all in the name of "trying to make me better" - it was like being subject to military rituals!! ! When confronting the former "person", I told her that her behaviour was detrimental to my betterment, and the response was something like "how dare you, after all I've done for you - and you have NO trust for me, that's your problem, you haven't learned trust, you're like a child." I got the f*** away from that setting at my earliest convenience.

One "acid test" that those of us on the spectrum can use to determine if someone is a potential benefactor, or a wolf in sheep's clothing, is whether the person has a) heard of Aspergers and/or b) told you somebody close to them has it. Of course, they actually have to believe in Aspergers as a medical condition, not see it in a flippant way.

So I hope this might help for anyone who wants to "polish up" on what I call SPSC (spontaneous processing of situational context) and nonverbal nuance

I've certainly had that happen but not in the same way as you describe. I think that happens when the other person has a desire for control. I'm also wary of people who want to be my friend too quickly and are too generous. Later, when they are emotionally abusive they bring up "all they've done for you" when you try to assert yourself. I'm not sure it has to do with AS but I do know other people seem to instinctively spot these types easier than I can. I've learned slowly from experience though.

Mine happened because the few friends I had in high school liked me and didn't want to see me make a fool out of myself anymore. Nobody had heard of AS back then, so the acid test wouldn't work.

I had quite a few instances of "let's makeover the awkward freaky girl" where they put makeup on me, tried to explain things, etc but went too fast for me to actually understand, plus they didn't explain the things that I didn't understand, such as "why". I was able to ask my friends why and they gave me a reason.

Sometimes the popular girls helped though, even though they were being smarmy at me. One example would be when I went to a pool party at 15. I wore a two piece and had never thought about holding my stomach in, and was always hoping for a flat stomach and doing situps but just never got one. Nobody had ever told me to simply hold it in and I'd have one. One of the girls came up to me and said "Can I give you some constructive criticism? You should try holding your stomach in." So I did. It worked. She said it in a smarmy way though, but it still worked.

Well, I sort of entertained this theme in another thread a while back; my theory was that Aspies (like myself) probably DO notice certain bizarre personalities, BUT they tend to be more "forgiving" of them due to a) a lack of options and b) the "glass houses" mentality, i.e. they've been shunned for appearing odd, so they don't want to prejudge other people. That was certainly my thinking at the time; and I did notice that "something was up" with said unsavoury characters.

Yes, I can relate to the not judging according to other people's prejudices. I like to find out for myself. I remember when I was a bartender they hired a new woman who was quite beautiful. The other women were anxious to dislike her. I decided to get to know her for herself. She knew she was beautiful and hated what it did to her relationships with other women. Her life was no fairy tale either. Her own father raped her and took her virginity at age 12.

I've found the "acid test" didn't work for me, as I have hidden many of my difficulties until recently. Many of my family had experience of autism, but they had formed an idea of what AS or Autism was based on that, and I didn't fit. They are starting to come round now though

When it comes to help, I found I've developed an aversion to asking for it since I was very small. I remember always being dissatisfied by the way adults had done my hair or tied my shoes etc, and I'd just have to re-do them sneakily in the way I wanted it done.

There was no problem while age-related expectations were within my abilities (I was seen as a high achiever), but I soon found ingenious ways to hide it when I started to fall behind, and when I left home the real problems started. When you live "independently" you ironically need more help, because the importance of your social experiences become about interacting with strangers (phoning to pay bills, arranging and dealing with tradesmen, answering the door) rather than socialising with people you choose to. My inability to ask for help, despite having a willing support network, has landed me in a lot of anxiety-producing situations.

I tried asking for help with simple things last year when i self diagnosed (just recieved the official diagnosis last week), but accepting help wasn't a pleasant experience because I realised how much of a control freak I am! For example, if I go to the local refuse centre with someone and they put rubbish in the wrong recycling bin it causes stress for days, however much I "know" it's silly and by far the most important thing is that I got help getting rid of some cr*p from my house! I feel as though my moral/ethical responsibilities always outweigh the grand scheme of things- that any help right now would be good help. The more I allow people to help me, the more time and energy I can spend helping others, but I can't get past the barrier of control, and this is something many diasbled or autistic people could benefit from keeping in mind.

I definitely agree that we are often too forgiving, because we have experienced prejudice (as said by Jayo). I also feel like I need someone to be completely honest, as I have also realised I'm not too good at working out where I'm going wrong, but im wary of it destroying an existing friendship if I ask someone who already knows me. I'm hoping I will find someone in my new ASD social circle who can point things out for me in an informative and helpful way :/

AlienorAspie, I'm glad your family is coming around.

I think the acid test might be useful for younger Aspies.

Like OliveOilMom mentioned, most of my helpers had never heard of Aspergers. Occasionally, I've even gotten help from people who didn't like me at all...if I chose to see it.

For instance: once at work when I was 19 or so, a coworker who was annoyed at me, stopped to tell me that when someone says hi to you, you say hi back (I would just smile...I thought it was completely appropriate). That was useful information.

For me, these smaller tidbits come through better than a person taking on a lot of things you should fix. Invariably, that dynamic has always turned negative on me. Occasionally, my husband bends that way, and it's always a rougher spell for us.

It's a very fine line to be equals with someone that you are teaching. It messes with the power structure.