Motives of so called "Friends"

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Hi,
I haven't been here for a while. That is mostly because I have been busy learning about human interactions.
I figured that the best way is to learn by experience, however it went wrong.

Over the last 12 months I have experienced a lot of new & different things in regards to friends & relationships.

The end result wasn't good.
A person who I thought was a friend ended up being a very bad person.
I thought he was good, and I even asked him if he was a "good person" and he assured me that he was.

I am trying learn how to spot people who just want to be friends so they can get what they want. People like that aren't friends because it is ALL about them. Friendships & ALL relationships should be 2-way for them to be healthy.

It is difficult because bad people are experts at appearing to be nice/good.

Because I am so rubbish at knowing if someone is genuine or attempting to take advantage of me I asked the local Police if they could help, and if I could ask them "..... seems like a good person and wants to be my friend. Are they a good person, or just someone pretending?".
The Police answered that they wouldn't be allowed to tell me as it would be considered a breach of the other persons confidelity. They did however inform me to have nothing to do with my former friend.

I wonder if any others of you have had a simular experience.

This happened to me a lot. I make friends with people only for them to be very nasty and abusive. It doesn't happen as much as it did when I was younger, thankfully, as I'm in college now and people aren't cruel because they are older and mature.

When I was younger, I was very very naïve and a lot more severely autistic than I am now. I would constantly have people make friends with me and the first few months would be so great but they'd slowly do things upset me. It would start with them calling me a name and then saying it was a joke which I didn't question as I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not. Then they'd start physically hurting me (again, saying it was a joke afterwards), then they'd start stealing my things, they'd begin insulting me a lot and it would build up more and more until it would end up with them beating me up and humiliating me. I think one of the most traumatic thing that they did was lock me in a dark shed for hours. It was full of sharp tool and there was nowhere to sit down. I was so scared that I wet myself a bit(thankfully not enough for them to notice). They only let me out when it was time to go home for their tea.

Then a few weeks later the process would start again because I was so quick to forgive and forget that I didn't question it when my newer friends started doing what the last ones did.

In high school I had one awful 'friend' who constantly took my money off me and would threaten me. She would insult me with her other friend and then say to me, everytime, "it was just a joke, don't be so ret*d, do you want to be my friend or what?".

It's caused a lot of trust issues in my life. Especially against teachers. When I was younger in primary school, I was abused by teachers both mentally and physically. One teacher would rip my work and drawings in front of me and the whole class. Others would loudly call me ret*d, stupid, slow. One teacher would drag me down the halls by my hair. Another would stop me from going to the toilet and would let me wet myself etc.

It was only at the age of 14, when I started going to an amazing private high school for autistic people. It took them a whole year At before I could trust teachers and students.

Quite recently I've had an experience of someone appearing to be nice only to hurt me. I'm not as naïve as I was but I still fell for it and the outcome was not good, not good at all.

So yeah, I've had the experience of people taking advantage of me.

I find it nearly impossible to know when someone's being genuine or not. People don't even have to do something obvious for it to upset me. I feel like I'm constantly being attacked and judged by people. Even when they do say or act harshly towards me, many times I will forget days or weeks after and tell myself I was just paranoid but then they do it again the next time I meet. It's safer to just stay away from people who repeatedly make you feel bad about yourself I think. There are enough people in the world without having to deal with those that hate or make no effort to try to understand you. Ignorance is no excuse for making anyone feel bad.

Most people do believe they are a good person. It all depends on what you mean by good. And some people actually go into denial about their own motives. You can figure out what they are up to, and call them out on it, and they will swear it's not true. Then they will turn around and do exactly what you called them out for, and act totally surprised about it. Sometimes they will continue to deny what they are doing, when they are caught red handed.

People lie to themselves a lot. That's how they can come across as being genuine, because they really believe what they are telling you. I take what people say about themselves with a bit of skepticism, and instead watch what they do. And more importantly pay attention to how I *feel* being around them. Some people seem nice, but every time I see them or talk to them, I feel bad being around them.

I think the pursuit of a good friendship is like any other pursuit - it needs risk management. So if I'm trying to make a new friend I'm careful not to stick my neck out very far.

I wouldn't bother to ask anybody if I could trust them. If they can't be trusted, then neither can their answer, so it won't help.

I had a frenemy who was the same way, 5 years ago. She asked me not to phone her anymore around that time and I haven't had anything to do with her, since than.

In this context does a "bad person" refer to a criminal? I'm asking this question because the OP mentioned the police. I assume not.

It's often impossible to tell if a "good person" is actually a "bad person". Many of the "good people" actually turn out to be not so good after knowing them for a while. You start seeing their hidden side gradually and eventually you know they don't care about your or other people's well-being/interests/reputation etc at all. They got so used to pretending to be good, they themselves are often not even aware that their motives are selfish and their actions can harm others.

Sometimes they won't do anything bad to most people but only do that to those that are disadvantaged (unpopular people, outcasts etc). So for many other people, those "bad people" can be "genuinely good people". Most people don't regard someone as "bad" unless they themselves have been the victims. So you might end up suffering by yourself.

Any way, it's sad but you have to be skeptical for a while even if someone seems genuinely nice because it takes a long time to get to know it well enough for you to know you can trust it. Even then, it's not 100%.

This is interesting. I don't normally have to remain skeptical of new people, but I guess my normal trustful activities don't normally involve me becoming all that vulnerable, so maybe it just hasn't been relevant.

Anyway, when you're trying to make friends, I'd worry more about whether someone is a good friend to you than whether they are a good person. Try to imagine the best most unselfish person that could possibly exist in the world. Would that person hang out with you, comfort you when you're sad, or help you move your furniture? No. They'd be too busy feeding orphans in some some third world warzone or something. More realistically, even someone with good intentions can be bad for you.