An Autistics guide to going to a wedding

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I am going to my cousins wedding soon on Saturday and I am nervous stiff i'm not going to be a bridesmaid or flower girl anything but there will be a lot of people and I kind of scared and nervous. I'm also excited because I get to see my little cousins but other than that I'm going to be bored and nervous out of my mind.

Anyone have any tips or social stories who is about what's going to happen at a wedding.

Have never been to a wedding before was it like ? What should I bring?

Weddings suck.

I f*****g hate weddings. They're so god damn boring they make me want to shoot myself, and it's just hours of lame music, wearing uncomfortable clothing, awkward social interactions with relatives I barely even know, pretending to go along with religious customs I don't believe in, eating lousy food... did I mention that I hate weddings?

Oh, and another thing, they represent something I don't believe in; marriage. I've seen too many marriages fall apart to have any faith in them, and I think they're just an old-fashioned, outdated formality dating back to the days where people shunned you if you had sex with someone you weren't married to.

Yeah, I really hate weddings.

How was any of that relevant to the question asked? Your opinions don't change the fact that she is going to the wedding.
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Anyways, yes, weddings can be long and anxiety-producing. I would recommend taking along some small fidget toys (Tangle toy, tiny Slinky, play-doh/putty) to alleviate the boredom and anxiety. For the people portion, stick to a family member/someone else you are comfortable with. That will make social interactions a little easier because they can fill in awkward conversation gaps with people you don't know so well.

Clothing tips - don't sacrifice comfort for looks. Find an outfit that is wedding appropriate but also does not cause sensory issues. Let whoever you go shopping with be your guide on "wedding appropriate" and you be their guide/help them out with knowing what is "sensory acceptable" for you. It might take some extra searching but it will be worth it.

Hi,

I agree that such occasions are not really fun for most of us, but I don't think it's a good idea to rant about it here and make her even more nervous.

It's been a while since I last was invited to something like this. Usually I don't want to dress formally because it makes me feel really stupid and uncomfortable. I don't know how strict dress codes will be at your event. Try to find something that looks kind of appropriate but still makes you feel comfortable enough.

Random strangers or people you don't really know will try to talk to you. I recommend sticking to someone you know until you feel more comfortable. They can introduce you to people and help with starting conversations.

Later on people will probably get drunk and dance, so either you can get drunk as well to fit in a little better (don't overdo it, of course) or you find something else to do, maybe bring a book or something? That'll get you weird looks, though.

Can you ask your mother or someone in your family with experience of weddings? I think they can help prepare you. And if you want to know about the correct etiquette, you should google for wedding guest etiquette. Have fun and remember that it is a special day for the two people getting married, so as long as you are not rude or act bored out of your head, you should be fine.

Bring a friend or something that can keep you busy even outside at night(or in the hall/bathrooms/a silent room/quest bedrooms if any are available). Weddings are loud so you will need to go out often to prevent sensory overload and it is not nice to have nothing to do.

You will probably find a lot of people going outside too so don't worry you are "rude" for sneaking out. It's normal for quests go outside to smoke/talk during a wedding. Some even go for a few hour long walks because they are bored of dancing/eating or just need some fresh air. Just let someone know where you are going and how long you might stay there so they won't be worried you got missing.

It's also a good idea to stick to your little cousins. You can play with them/take care of them. There will be balloons in the wedding surely so you can "play ball". And you can use their toys or anything you want. And if they are a little older you can talk with them and walk with them. When I was 19 year old I was sticking to my 11 year old cousin and we explored the whole building and it's surroundings together. It really helped me survive.

I hate weddings. I really truly do.

I realize that for the people who invited me, my dear family and friends, weddings are a very special event. To them, it's a chance to be surrounded by the people they love as they declare their union and revel in all things deemed romantic. On a basic level, it's a chance for them to show off socially- in terms of appearance, money spent, and high connections who attend as guests.

I understand all that, but I hate weddings.

I hate them because the ritual itself takes so long, and the party afterwards lasts so long, and you're expected to come to both and act like you're having a good time, and rejoicing in their union, and are very impressed by their status if only for a day. I hate them for the flashing lights, and the too-loud music, and the weird food, and the special rules that govern them.

My tips:
-Whenever possible, don't let yourself get pushed into the bridal party.
-If you have any input in the seating, press for a seat away from the speakers, away from the open bar, and away from the catering door. If, like me, you're not much of a dancer, try to pick a table away from the dance floor as well.
-If the menu makes you nervous, and you know there's going to be kids, bring some stuff for the kids to eat. You will be regarded as a savior and you'll have normal food to eat. If you're comfortable with young kids, you can get out of a lot of social interaction by volunteering to watch them while their parents enjoy themselves.
-Wear comfortable dress shoes. I have a pair of ballet flats that are lovely. I had to look long and hard to find such a pair, but it was worth it. Wear silk or linen in summer or if there's going to be a lot of people packed in there.
-Figure out ahead of time, based on the setting, where you might retreat to. If all else fails, say you forgot something in your car. Make sure your car is fully gassed up so you can blast the air conditioner or heat if need be.
-Wedding etiquette is so ridiculous that there are entire books and websites dedicated to it. Skim some.
-Different religions have different customs, not just for the ritual itself, but for the party afterwards. Familiarize yourself.
-Don't wear white or black. White is the bride's color, and black is for funerals. Go for a neutral color- tan, pale pink, pale blue, grey, and such.
-If makeup is a bad sensory thing for you, wear tinted lip balm, and embrace the wide world of appropriate accessories- pins, scarves, and so on.
-Pack an emergency comfort kit in your purse, for yourself and others. It's easy to change someone's tears to a smile when you have tape to fix a torn hem, some tums, or some aspirin.
-The bride will likely have another outfit to wear for the party. You can too if it's more comfortable. If possible, find out what she plans to wear, then plan your own party outfit accordingly. Don't show her up in any way- don't wear a sexier cut, or the same outfit, or even the same color. At the same time, don't wear sweats if she plans to wear a cocktail dress.
-Weddings are a dating scene. Not all weddings, but it shows up in books, and film, and on tv for a reason. If that makes you uncomfortable, convince someone to go as your plus one.
-If you can't make it, but you do have the money set aside for the trip, spend what you would have spent getting there on their gift.

I feel the same way exactly. You've just described my feelings. except for my love for music, and then it's too loud, so I cant even enjoy this.

Stay away from the loudspeakers that make the music so loud, try to stay near a door or something. maybe you can take your little cousin outside for a walk.

Frequent enough breaks to decompress but not frequent enough to attract notice. You just have to congratulate the bride and groom once. They are so involved in their wedding day all they will notice is that you came, not what you did and did not do.

I've written a very helpful and concise manual for just this situation:

An Autistic's guide to going to a wedding
by starkid

Chapter 1
Don't.

I like weddings.

No one has invited me in a long time. Makes me sad.

Bringing earplugs is smart if noise gets to you. The little silicone kind no one sees help if you stay away from speakers. Also maybe bring socks if dressy shoes will bother you and that's what you'll be wearing, and if your family thinks it would be ok to take your shoes off. Especially if you might dance. Usually no one looks at teenagers clothes or feet that hard.

The food is sometimes good. Cake not necessarily. Depends on the caterer or restaurant or cook. But it can be good.

And I agree kids might be more fun to be with than adults.

When you need to converse, compliment, compliment, compliment. A lot of money is being spent to create happy memories, when you enjoy and share your happiness, you help cement good memories. And it's a party for everyone, mostly the couple getting married, but everyone else too.

If all else fails stay to the periphery or find another area to explore. Then smile telling someone how beautiful the building is.

I wouldn't say I'm giving you good advice for how to be normal, but I hope it helps make the experience more positive.

As to what to bring to the wedding, just bring yourself. It's the bride's day so don't do anything to distract away from the bride enjoying her day.

Dress up for the day without sacrificing comfort. Even if you aren't enjoying the wedding, pretend you are because it's all about the bride.

Weddings can be very noisy affairs, so if it becomes too much, just quietly sneak away outside to a quiet area and sit there until you settle down and then return without people noticing.

I been to afew in my life but not in years. I mostly just brought myself & I went with my parents so I just hung out around them waiting to leave. I also had a couple beers which helped my anxiety but I I'm NOT going to suggest you do because your still a minor. What you could do instead is bring some earplugs or mp3player/phone & some earbuds to listen to music at the reception & you can bring a tablet to play games or something when everyone's at the reception but you shouldn't use any electronic devices during the ceremony because everyone is supposed to be focused on the bride & groom instead of having fun.

i hate weddings too. i had to go to a cousins wedding in nashville last year. and it was the worst night ever. most of the time i stood around waiting for things to start. there was a cocktail hour that turned into nearly 2 and 1/2 hrs... the reception was noisy, an excuse for everyone of drinking age to drink themselves silly (not to mention they had an after party to a string of nashville bars for more drinking)....i didn't get a chance to meet up with a friend while in town.

i've lost my faith in marriage. so many family members around me have gotten divorces--with kids in the family--and not to mention you constantly hear in the news of another celebrity couple divorcing left and right. the moment that "for worse" part shows up in the marriage, everyone bails out, divorces....and it's so easy to get a divorce--all you do is declare it and start the paper work. or get it annulled like it never existed.


i've got another destination wedding to go to this summer....and i'm not really looking forward to it. they want to have it WAY out of town and gosh they were nice enough to reserve rooms for us, but we have to pay for our own rooms. it's like...we are being punished/forced to go to a place THEY wanna get married. plus, i'm really sure that i'm the only one on the spectrum in my whole entire family (of the ones i see all the time and will be at this wedding). They KNOW of my ASD, but they don't help me out at all. I just get yelled at and disappointed words/glances/whatever just because I don't wanna do these things.

sorry... /rant

When I went to my cousin's wedding last year I only attended the service at the church, and stayed for the photos. Then when the minibus came to take everybody to this hall for the reception, I went home. That was the plan. I just could not face being in a hall from 4pm to midnight (that was when the coach was picking us up to take us home). Plus I don't like drinking alcohol so I couldn't do that to pass the time. And my cousins are highly social and like drinking and dancing, which I'm not.

But just turning up for the wedding and not the reception might not work for you or might be inconvenient. But weddings aren't all that bad, and I say that as a person with social anxiety. People are happy, there's lots of stuff going on, and you can look forward to the mealtime and the wedding cake and whatever else will be there to eat. Usually I feel less socially anxious when I'm eating. Also wear something what looks really nice but you're comfortable in, because sometimes what you wear can make you feel good and make others take notice of you too.

Good luck, and I'm sure you will do fine!