Feelings about family heirlooms

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My father passed away on Thursday, and I have already had a couple of discussions with my sister and cousins about who might want what in the house, as my mother has been dead since 2009, and we are having to settle up the estate. My father was very much into family history and always saved stuff because "this belonged to so and so". I have no interest in any of that. I did read somewhere that Aspies can become attached to objects, and I suppose I am to a couple of things I own, but to nothing from the family. My idea is to sell it all and use the money to buy things I want instead.

Is this common for Aspies to feel this way? I was adopted (as was my sister) so I don't know if it is more an adoption thing, since this isn't my biological family and there is no DNA connection at all.

I have also read in various sources that attachment to objects more than to people can sometimes be a feature of someone's autism, although, as with many traits and symptoms, not everyone will feel the same way or experience this at all. Many may feel as you do.

Personally I have this quite strongly, and when the second of my parents passed away, it become inordinately important to me to have and to keep belongings of theirs, because of the sentimental attachment I felt for those objects in association with my parents. It's probably hard to understand for someone who has a healthy non-attachment to objects (which I too think is much better than an attachment). I can't claim that my sentimental attachment to objects is necessarily a good or a healthy thing, but it is just the way I am and I seem to function better and feel grounded with my things in my life rather than without.

If you deeply feel that you do not have these feelings about your parents' belongings, and you feel sure that this won't change, then you shouldn't be pressured into keeping anything if you don't want to (beware of changing feelings and reactions as the years move on following major deaths -- I experienced a couple of complete 180 degree "sea changes" in the months and years following the loss of my parents).

Let your sister and cousins divide up the belongings among themselves, if it's important to them to keep these heirlooms. I think that when someone IS this type of person (as I am) it's emotionally important for them to get to have what they feel they need to have. My older sister withheld a lot of my parents' things from the rest of us, even throwing my brother out of her home when he politely enquired about some of it, and to this day I feel sad that I have so little of theirs -- but again, that's just me.

If there's anything you would want to just sell for the money, but your other family members would be upset and would want to keep that heirloom "in the family," please try to fulfill that for them and let them keep those things, only selling what they've told you doesn't matter to them. If you sell something you view as unimportant but [i]they[i] view as a family treasure great great great grandmother brought in a covered wagon with care, you could create family wars, so be careful about that kind of thing.

When family members feels different ways about this stuff, it can create tension, so be cautious and consult with the others about these decisions.

I don't tend to get attached to most things

I don't either. That is why I was wondering if this is more of an Aspie trait, or an adopted child trait. I am probably more pragmatic than emotional much of the time. For example, I am not interested in any of the bigger pieces of furniture there, because I see what it would cost to rent a trailer, the extra gas and all to get it down here (about 800 miles) and figure it would be cheaper to buy it new here. Many others might not feel like that and think the sentimental value is worth more.

I wasn´t adopted, but I feel exactly like you. I´ve sold it all.

I don't feel attachment to family heirlooms thou I do feel attachment to my stuff.

I'm not very sentimental at all, but I have a few sentimental things I keep. The only thing I could see wrong with you selling it is your siblings giving it to you thinking you wanted to keep it and then finding out you sold it and it turns out they were attached to it being in the family. I'd be up front with them about what you plan doing, selling the things they don't want. You also might want to pick out one or two small things and say you want to keep them because they have sentimental value. Then actually keep them. Maybe photos would be a good item for you to keep, that way you have the reminder, but it's probably going to be out of the way in a box somewhere and you can go look whenever you want to. Doing that will make them not think you are cold and don't care about the memory of a parent. Right now their feelings are raw because of the death so they may very well be more sensitive and not very logical. If you say you want to sell your dads favorite things, they may see that as cold. I don't see it that way, but they might.

First off, tell them you want the photos or whatever thing you can find and say you are keeping for memory. You actually may be glad you did keep it one day so it's for a reason. Then after that, tell them that you have what you want, the memories are in your heart anyway and you were thinking of selling whatever they don't want. Ask them how they feel about that. If they are ok with it, then go from there. If they yell at you about selling stuff, then you may be out of luck because they may try and not let you have things, but it's better for them to be mad for a short while thinking you are cold now, than mad forever once you sold things they can't replace.

Another idea is to take photos of the things and put them in a scrapbook and make a copy for everyone. That way they can still look at the items if they don't want them but also don't want you to sell them.

I'm exactly like your father, ProfessorJohn. I'm very sentimental about family heirlooms and it's 'killing' me that I will never have children /sibling's children who the heirlooms and and memories can be passed on to.
When I was younger I would sometimes get rid of some of my old stuff to make room for new stuff, and in every case I ended up regretting it. I still wish I could get those things back.

I'm the same, Skilpadde, also with the regret of things I got rid of in a sudden fit of "lets be practical and clear some space!" Because I know I'm like this, I have to be more careful about those "practical" moods when I get them, because I know I'm more sentimental than that and it can upset me later for a very long time if I threw away something that in my heart was actually important to me.

For years I kept a lock of hair that a dear friend had given me when he cut off all his hair one summer. The lock was a visceral reminder of what a fun time we had together that summer, and the evening he cut his hair was comical and makes me smile just to remember. I liked having the physical part of the memory as well as just the memory of that evening.

In a "practical" burst of energy I decided recently that I don't need to keep it, it's just hair, I have my memories, etc. That's fine for most people and genuinely all they need, but I should have remembered I'm not that person. When I "woke up" from that practical mood I regretted throwing away that lock of hair. It was part of a dear friend I've lost touch with and will likely never see again -- I can't even find him online, so that lock was all I had of him.

I can't say my attachment to objects and keepsakes and heirlooms is the best way to be or anything -- I actually envy people who don't feel this at all; that must be very freeing.

But I've come to understand it's the way I've always been and I need not to get quite as "clean it all out" as other people can get and still be happy, as it makes me very unhappy when I've tried to be that way and permanently lost something I wished I had kept.

I'm not even a hoarder or anything, and the things I keep actually number very few (they have to, I don't live in a big place) but the things that mean something to me are a small and cherished collection.

I like the idea OOM posted about taking pictures of the objects that will be gotten rid of, then everyone can have a reminder of them, which is the next best thing. I wish I'd done that with a lot of things I now miss.

The only objects I have any attachment to are my laptop and my phone.

^this

The only people that mattered to me growing up were my grandparents, I felt closer and more attached to them than my parents. I had brought a small figurine for my nan before she died, after she died, I took it back because I didn't want anyone else to have it (namely my aunt who would have sold it like she did everything she could get her hands on!) I also have a ring that belonged to my grandfather and a small ornament my mother insisted I have (I don't like it but she would be offended if I didn't take it).

Other than that, I have little attachment to physical things. I have some bits and bobs I kept from my childhood that I like because they are pretty not because I have memories attached to them or merely because they are mine and I don't like the idea of another person possessing them.

My husband is the opposite, he would never get rid of anything and I have to force him to clear out items he acknowledges are junk. He would be something of an accomplished hoarder I fear if we weren't together.