Long Vacation Blues
It has been some months since I've last visited these pages. I'll be honest, I am very nervous anymore in forums. Of course, I'm also agoraphobic, so...
Anyway, I've spent the past three weeks being dragged hither, tither, and yon across the US with my rather elderly parents as they take a vacation. Currently, I am living with them, in a mutually beneficial way; I help them, I have a low cost roof over my head (especially as I am now quite probably unemployable). This trip was planned a few months ago, and the itinerary grew and grew to where it is now almost a month on the road hopping from place to place.
And it is taking a toll on me.
Most of the driving I've done (one of my least favorite things to do). Both of my parents have become extremely proficient back seat drivers, and a couple of times suddenly have my mother yell at me has nearly ended in disaster (she is very wary of speeding, and assumed I was, when in fact I was at speed limit or lower. If anything, I'm law abiding to the extreme).
Then there are the hotels. Strange bed, strange people in the lobby, strange food, lots of strangeness.
The family we've visited have been as accommodating as possible, but in one circumstance I was forced to sleep on a couch, in the living room. I'm a light sleeper, as most of us tend to be, so when they began rousting about at 5am, I would lay there wide awake.
But the one thing this trip has really driven home is just how out of place I really feel all the time, even, and perhaps especially, when I am "home". Sure, I can sleep in a familiar setting, but I feel so out of place anymore. This trip has reinforced that feeling. I realize, more than ever, just how out of place I am.
Am I alone in feeling that way?
I will say, straight up, that not only is this playing havoc with my anxiety, my depression is starting to border on the extreme.
As much as I tend to enjoy vacations, I always feel really uncomfortable in whatever resort we're staying in. It's especially bad in my bedroom and the bathroom, as things aren't where they should be and it's all just too...clean?
I also feel especially awkward when using any of the resort's facilities, like the swimming pool or the games room. Being in either of those places with other people that I don't know just freaks me out.
However, we usually only go on vacation for a little over a week, so I can't imagine what it must feel like to be cooped up with your parents in the car and in all those hotels for three weeks! I think after something like that I would be incredibly exhausted.
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