Dating someone with Aspergers

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I just started dating a guy, who said he was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 5 and have now seen him 5 times. I found out on our third date that he had been diagnosed with Asperger's as a child. It was not immediately obvious to me that he had this, although he did seem a bit different and it was noticable from the start that he talked a lot!

His Aspergers is now becoming more and more apparent, even though is in denial about it and continually makes comments like 'I think Aspergers is something you can grow out of'. The last time I saw him, I started to realise how some of his behaviours could be a problem. He has a tendency to repeat stories each time I see him, gets 'stuck in loops' and talks too much. Also, he says things which are really inappropriate. Last time I saw him, he talked continually about traumatic events from his past, often repeating things he'd already told me on previous occasions. It got to the point, where I was exhausted by him talking so much and it was a bit of a monologue. I also felt very uncomfortable about the extent to which he was talking about awful things that happened in his past. He also mentions his exes too much. I feel I set a bit of a precedent with this, as I am very open, so also talked openly about my exes and past traumas, so may have been feeding into this slightly. However, I feel it is now going too far. However, I really like him, we have a lot in common and he is kind, funny, talented and interesting, so I would like to think I may be able to work with this.....

I guess my question would be how I can deal with this. I am wondering whether I can actually be honest with him and tell him that I don't want to talk about past trauma any more, or our exes so much. He will also insist on talking about other peoples' sex lives and things like that, which I would rather not talk about, especially due to the frequency of it, as he repeats himself so much. Do you think it would be appropriate and/or realistic for me to just say when I don't want to talk about a topic any more, or if he is talking too much, or do you think that is asking too much of somebody with Aspergers?

Also, sometimes he can say things socially, which make me feel a bit awkward. I am also wondering how to deal with this situation and if he would be able to stop talking about certain subjects socially, if I told him it made me feel awkward? Obviously, I want to deal with this as sensitively as possible but also need to weigh up whether I can live with these issues, if he is unable to change. Would somebody with Aspergers be likely to be able to change at all in these areas? Any input would be gratefully received. Many thanks

If you don't want to talk about past traumas, just tell the guy that.

If you don't want to talk about exes, just tell the guy that.

In a nice way, of course.

Just tell him you want to talk about something else for a change--in a nice way, of course.

Thanks for your reply. Do you think it's realistic to expect him to be able to control these behavourial traits?

People with Asperger's are reasonably intelligent people. They are capable of learning.

Sometimes, my wife kicks me under the table when I start talking too much. I get the message (though reluctantly).

I would just offer a reason why you don't want to talk about past traumas/exes, etc. Just tell him why it bothers you.

Thank you. That is very useful to know and to get some insight. I will try gently telling him when we've talked to much about something, or when he's talking too much. I find often the more quiet I am, the more he goes into a monologue, often about things I don't want to talk about....

Also, was wondering about the fact he's in denial about the Aspergers. Do you think I should ever challenge him when he makes comments about not thinking he has it any more? Up until now, I've just had to bite my tongue....

You are both conversational partners. You are both involved in a dialogue.

The guy has to know that. You have to put in your "two cents."

But don't be nasty about it--don't tell him that "normal people" do this and that.

That's the thing - I'm scared of offending him but I guess if I work out how to phrase things tactfully in advance, so am prepared, it would help.

It's interesting you mention us both being involved in a dialogue because sometimes I feel like he's not really engaging in what I say, or asking me enough questions. It sometimes feels like we're both talking to ourselves - like he will talk about himself, then I will talk about myself. I don't have this with other friends. Any ideas how I might be able to change that dynamic?

Yep...tact is always good.

If I were talking about something, I might ask my partner: what do you think of that? I think "this"; do you agree?

Does he have a particular interest which you in interested in as well?

The guy probably has some redeeming traits--that's why you're dating him. Maybe say that if he listens to you, and asks questions of you, that this enhances him in your eye.

Tell him that people who are well-rounded appeal to you. If someone engages in dialogue instead of monologue, that someone is more well-rounded, more a "Renaissance" person.

If I were you, I wouldn't challenge him.

I think the fact that he's "denying" that he has Asperger's means that he feels a desire to "normalize" himself.

I would just work on how he relates to you--whether he has Asperger's, really, is irrelevant in this case.

This happens in all relationships.

I hope the guy is receptive to what you have to say. And I hope you're receptive to what he has to say, too.

Also: there are times when people with Asperger's aren't as "romantic" as most people. You might have to teach him about that sort of stuff. And not get upset if he forgets to, say, buy you a gift on Valentine's Day.

Yes, he certainly does have redeeming features - he is kind, funny, interesting and talented - we are both highly musical. I guess I am still worried about trying to put these points across without appearing to be critical. Although at the same time, I have heard that people with Aspergers need to be told things directly, so I think I am worried about trying to be direct without it being offensive.

Did you take offence for example, when your wife has made suggestions to you about your behaviour? I like your idea of making a general point about preference of dialogue over monologue. Do you think he would take this on-board, if I talk about it generally, rather than directly?

I think if you offer illustrative examples, while not necessarily being blunt, that he (if he's a reasonable person) will respond. This is the premise of the "social stories" which are used in therapy with children with Asperger's. Except you would do it verbally, rather than with cue cards.

Are you both classical musicians/composers? I've always been fascinated by this sort of thing--even though I'm only an appreciator, rather than a practitioner.

I don't like it when my wife gets "direct." I see it as sort of a power play--though I could be wrong. There are times when she gets petty over finer points of etiquette--which irritates me.

I would say that direct confrontation doesn't really work--but convey to him what you desire in a nice way. In a manner consistent with Socratic dialogue, rather than a didactic monologue.

That is a good idea. Actually, I just thought of an example of how something I said indirectly prompted his behaviour, without me even having this intention - I was commenting about my ex-husband leaving me in a difficult financial situation, as he took a lot of my money. He then said 'oh yeah, I need to pay you back that money'. So seems he may be able to take 'hints' in this way....

We are both classically trained but have both moved away from our routes, as we found it too restrictive. He now plays with and composes for a prog rock band and I compose psychedelic trance, with live flute in it! I think it definitely helps having this in common.

Have you always found it intuitive to have dialogue-based conversations, or is this something you've had to work on?

A little bit of both.

When I was a child, I had difficulty with dialogue--because I didn't feel inspired, and because I didn't really understand the need. I thought I was doing okay by exhibiting how many capitals of the world I knew by age 8. I wasn't able to discern when people got bored with me. I was met with oohs and ahs. I was told how smart I was. I didn't receive any "penalty" for being a pedantic monologist.

Once I understood the need, and once I felt inspired by it, I started to make strides in this area. What helped, to tell you the truth, was my desire to get together with girls. I knew that I MUST discern when somebody was getting bored with me--otherwise, I would bore my way out of a relationship.

When he's talking again about the same topics and experiences as before, I think maybe if you place your hand on his arm gently, give a warm, genuine smile, and say gently "I hope you don't mind if we change the subject? I don't know if you've noticed, but we've talked about ____ quite a lot...! " And then introduce a new topic or area of stories and experiences to share/discuss.

Aspie's are often not great with gentle hints, but even this gentle hint may be enough for him to realize oh yikes, I have been talking about that stuff too much. As with the example of where talking about money reminded him he owed you a small sum too, an aspie can have "aha!" moments due to things that remind us of something we're overlooking.

I have problems with going over and over the same subject matter, but if someone told me warmly, kindly and with a caring twinkle in the eye that "We've had a lot of talks about that, shall we change to something else?" I think that even I would get the picture and go "Oh, you're right, silly me, I tend to do that, I know!"

Like kraftie says, most aspies are intelligent enough to realize something, even retrospectively, the moment it's pointed out to them. That's the weird thing about the Asperger's level of the spectrum -- we can make faux pas and social mistakes but we also have the ability to realize we have, sometimes on our own, sometimes from someone mentioning something and then it falls into place, and we can learn and try a bit more in future.