panic attack over other people tossing personal things

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I'm having a panic attack because I can't find this baby doll I've had since I can remember and turns out my husband got rid of it while I was out, took it and a bunch of other stuff to a thrift store, and I know it's just a doll and I'm 30, but I'm freaking out. I love that thing, it's always been with me and he just threw it out.

I have no idea how to cope, how to deal with this.

Can you go to the thrift store and get it back?

Hope you get it back. I hate it when people even move my stuff, let alone throw it away without asking. Luckily it's hardly ever happened.

I hope you can get it back. I relate strongly to feeling very attached to an object that had meaning for you in your life; I'm like this too. I still have belongings from my childhood that I have no intention of parting with.

I hope you can have a talk with your husband and convey to him that these things have meaning for you, so please don't dispose of them without a discussion with you.

I too, really hope you can get your things back! I get very, very attached to my things, and I feel sad just thinking about your situation. I wish I had some good advice, I just get distraught and feel lost when this happens to me.

Thank you. I have no idea how I'd deal with something like a robbery or house fire I used to be a hoarder and it was so hard to stop that, but I still have such strong attachments to things, especially things from my childhood like my MLP that smells like coconuts that helped relax me, or the baby doll. I really wish I wasn't like this, that I could renounce materialism...

It was a sentimental item so of course you feel that way. Call the place and tell them what happened and tell them you need that one item back. Be prepared to go up there and go through stuff to find it. It's not been put out yet. It probably hasnt even been gone through yet, so you can tell them what color bag it was in, etc.

If you used to be a hoarder and your husband knows that, chances are he disregards everything you say you want to keep as hoarding behavior, even when it's need based or sentimentality based. That isn't good, but you should tell him that when he thinks you are hoarding to tell you and you will go through things and cull them down to a smaller size or purge things you no longer need to keep. Explain the difference between hoarding and sentimental stuff to him.

I don't know how much sentimental stuff you have, but I would suggest going to Dollar General and buying some of those nice big decorated cardboard boxes with the lids and putting your "must keep" stuff in them. You can get pretty big boxes, and you can get several and they look ok stacked up in a bedroom or in the closet. They are made to look like decor. I have tons of crap in mine, but only one is sentimental. I store things that I use that don't look nice just piled in the closet or on a table in them. That way you have your stuff in one spot, your husband knows not to get rid of it and you can get to it whenever you want.

As for being attached to things, one thing you can do to get rid of stuff is bag it up and stick it somewhere for a couple months. At the end of that time, if you haven't needed to go back into the bag and get it, then get rid of it. Or have him do it, but make an agreement to do it. I don't know if this will work on true hoarding behavior, that is an OCD disorder and you could talk to somebody about it. It's not materialistic to hoard, it's very different. I have a lot of stuff, but it's put away and oraganized and I'm materialistic. I wouldn't want any of my stuff to be thrown out, I use it sometimes and I want it, but it doesn't cause problems. Materialism and hoarding are two seperate issues. Hoarding can stem from control issues or other issues, and a therapist who knows about it can help you. I also know of a forum about it if you want to PM me.

Also, see if you can find and scan a pic of the doll. When you talk to them on the phone at the store on Monday tell them you can text them a pic of the doll if they want to start looking. They can probably tell you to send it to their cell phone.

Another thing is, if you have the things you have to keep put in those boxes and stored where you can get to them, you will be less dependent on them because they aren't where you see them every day. Even if it's putting one thing you like to hold or cuddle every few days into a box that you put in the corner by the bed, it's out of sight but it's there so you can take it out and then put it back.

Spouses have a way of getting rid of things they don't like. I did that to my husband before, he will receive a horribly ugly shirt or keep something gross his mother gave him years ago and it's up to me to make it disappear. I did that after we first got married with this ugly foam type jacket that was three sizes too small for him that his mother got him. He liked the color. He also had other ones that he could wear. Recently he found one of those nice thick winter jackets the phone company people wear at a job site. After not being able to find the owner, and the other phone guys saying they get them free just throw it out, he brought it home. I went to throw it out and made the mistake of telling him and he said "NO! Thats a good jacket! Keep it!" He has four GOOD winter jackets, three of which he wears to work and they are just as warn or warmer. He also has an insulated jumpsuit for really cold days. He just couldn't bear to throw out anything good, even though it took up a lot of room because it was big. I said ok then it was just "gone one day" and he hasn't thought of it since. He won't either. Out of sight, out of mind to him, but if it is usable, he thinks you have to keep it. No way. We have tons of stuff as it is. I'd say talk to yours and tell him the limits about what is ok to throw out and what isn't. Tell him to talk to you if he thinks you are hoarding, that might make him feel better about not throwing everything out you say to keep. He also should be able to use common sense and see that things from your past are different than the 8 sets of mismatched sheets in the linen closet that you might be keeping around just in case.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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^ Interesting. My own strongly-preferred house rule is that nobody throws anything out that belongs to anybody else without their specific consent for that particular item. Though I guess it depends on how the individuals concerned feel about it, and whether or not there's still enough floor space to walk around the house. If anybody trashed anything of mine without getting my consent, I'd always feel I'd been wronged, the only exception being if I was using up more than my agreed share of the available space and the other person had tried in vain to get me to put that right. It would still be wrong, but I'd have been in the wrong too, for incorrigibly colonising their storage space.

My husband knows how I feel about my stuff disappearing, and this is the first instance in the six years we've been married that he's done it. My brother was there that day and he warned him, but the stuff went anyway.
My husband has apologized profusely, at least... He said he didn't think he got rid of anything I cared about, including the doll, but it apparently got in the bag anyway.

When I moved out of my parent's house, I had to get rid of a lot of stuff. I don't have nearly enough to constitute being a hoarder anymore (though we do have to clean out the kids' room often because people continually give them stuff and I don't want them to be hoarders themselves). I pride myself on how much better I've gotten, and how well I'm able to keep the house in a somewhat clean manner (two young kids make it hard). I think at first, my husband didn't want me to even have the sentimental stuff and it caused some tension, but we've worked through it and usually if he wants something gone he just talks to me and explains why he doesn't think I should keep something, and I explain why we should keep it if I feel strongly about something.
I had to use the analogy of, "What if someone came in and cleaned up your games and got rid of some they didn't think you needed anymore?" That kinda put it in perspective at least.

As to the decorative boxes, I do have a lot of my older stuff boxed up in the attic, but I was letting the kids play with the doll since they enjoy playing with it and I think if something can be used, it should be. My husband also ended up getting rid of things the kids were attached to, like a stuffed dragon nightlight and their Leap Frog laptops they got for Christmas... -_-;

Oh ok. I get it now. I was thinking you had something like a box of stuffed animals that you took out and cuddled and he didn't like that. My bad. You have stuff. Well, is it in the way? If so he might resent it taking up a lot of space or being visible and not stored away behind doors or in drawers if it's out or not packed up. Could you take pictures of it all for your phone and pack the stuff up you rarely need to take out and put them in the attic or garage or somewhere? If you don't have room, maybe in a decorate box, or several graduating sizes stacked on top of one another in a bedroom corner so it looks like decor? He may resent it for some reason, maybe the space or maybe your attachment to it or maybe your getting comfort from it that he wants you to get from him. I have no clue, those are just ideas.

If you want to talk to him about it and work out a compromise about them that will satisfy your needs and help him feel better about them, this is what you should do.

I'd ask him about it and find out what his exact problem with the stuff is. Is it the space it takes up, your attachment, what exactly? Don't argue with him if he tells you his feelings about it, nobody can help their feelings. Go into the next room and do something else and don't act pissed off no matter how ridiculous you think his feelings are. They are valid even if they don't make sense to you. They aren't his actions, he can help those. Bring the topic up again the next day and offer a few compromises that you have thought of the night before. Also ask him to think of some compromises he thinks may work and decide to talk about it yet again the next day. Doing it like that, spacing out the talks, keeps emotions in check and keeps it from becoming a fight. Bite your tongue if you have to, because you are asking him about his feelings and offering to come up with a solution. If he's talking about it and telling you his feelings he's trusting you to not get mad over feelings. It's hard sometimes but don't show it. Not at all. You will talk about it, just not right then. Feelings are not actions and nothing is written in stone about doing anything yet. It's just talk. The topic isn't whether or not his feelings are right or wrong or crazy or logical, it's about the fact that he feels them about these items and you are only looking for a compromise right now. An action you can take that will help him to have different feelings about them. That is the only issue right then. You don't need to explain to him again how you feel about them or why you need them. You have done that. He knows that. This is about his feelings.

(now this sounds backwards, he threw your stuff away and i'm saying focus on his feelings, but it's not. you are actually being proactive and taking care of your own needs by doing it this way. trust me please)

Then sit down and talk about what he suggests for a compromise. Think about it overnight one more time if need be or decide on something then. Again, don't explain to him your feelings about this again. He needs to feel that you are putting his feelings first over yours and over the stuff. Everybody needs to feel that they come first to their spouse, and this will help that to happen for him because if these are so important to you, you may have been focusing only on that and not as much how he feels, or he could feel that you are only focusing on that. I'm only going by how driven I get about something that is very important to me. I get tunnel vision about it and must make myself understood because if they understood me they would agree. But not always, hence this.

So, if he's having resentment or some bad feelings about it then you may need to put some of it away to show him you are willing to do that. You aren't throwing it away, you are only storing it for a while. It's a give a take and it will be your turn to take and his to give before long, but it has to be traded off like this, and both spouses have to sometimes make stupid sacrifices so their spouse feels loved/wanted/needed/valued/whatever. It really is more important than you think. Could you maybe store some at your parents house or the garage or attic or another closet? Put them in boxes and seal them up and stack them somewhere out of sight? Maybe do that with half of it with the agreement than in one month or two or however long, you will box up the stuff that is out and put it up and replace it with the half you have had put away. Rotate your stuff so you have some of it, but not all. It may not make sense that he's resentful of it, but he is and that is what you have to deal with. It's not fair and it's silly but a lot of marriage fits into that, but it's strangely important. This is only stuff and it's not a huge deal to have to compromise about, although it's important to you your husband may want to feel like he's more important. If you show him he is by putting half or most of it away for a while and not mentioning it at all for several months then he may not feel resentful or second fiddle to it if you wanted to bring it back out but in an organized and tidy container and way because you missed it.

He may just need you to prove that he is more important than the stuff, as silly as that is, it's true many times. Once you do he may get over it and the stuff won't matter at all to him. I'd really suggest you give my idea a try. I don't have a perfect marriage by any means but I've learned a lot over the past 28 years that I wish I had known when I was younger. This kind of thing is one of them. He did something stupid and probably lied about it because of feelings about the stuff. His feelings caused this and that is what you have to address to fix this. If I'm right and you don't do this then he's just going to get mad about something else and those feelings will transfer to other things and ideas etc. It's much easier to fix it right now this way than later on after he's stewed and pouted about it.

Also, if your marriage is anything like mine then your feelings are the ones talked about and planned around most of the time. His are important only about certain things which are important to him. My husband seems ok with that and usually is for long periods of time but sometimes he gets a wild hair and needs reassurance or me to do something that isn't neccessary so that he can feel better about things. It happens. I've learned to watch for that kind of thing and take care of it when I notice it. Trust me, I'm not telling you to cater to him, just to find out and pay extra attention to his feelings when he acts out for no reason.

Good luck. Let me know if you decide to do this, and what he said and if I was right and how you decided to handle the stuff.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I'm the same way.,

Sounds like you're fixing it quite well then, he did wrong, he didn't mean to, he apologised, and there's a plan to try and get Dolly back.

Your list of stuff suggests that things have a lot of sentimental value to you. Nothing wrong with that while space permits. My own place is like a museum of my life.