hello everyone

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I have never actually been diagnosed with Aspergers but I know I have it. When I was a child, I had the social difficulties, preoccupation with certain topics, repetitive movements (I used to flop a string), I remember I had trouble holding a pencil and they had to put a rubber grip thing on it and of course, I had meltdowns. Even to this day at 36, I struggle with meltdowns but lately, I can feel them coming and I am better able to manage them but if I am around other people, I may find it necessary to step away for a few minutes. As I have gotten older, I have been good at hiding it. I was able to get a finance degree and a good job with a bank. I dont tell anyone about it. I try to blend in. I dont allow anyone to see any of my quirks. I don't tell them I was bullied in school. Basically, I don't let them see the real me. I do the best I can to try to "conquer" it instead of being happy with it. I see a lot of high functioning autistics who wallow in self pity. I don't do that but if I had my way, I wouldn't be like this. Perhaps I need to accept that this is who I am but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to be the oddball. I feel depressed but nobody knows. I know the reason is because I am constantly putting an act and being someone I am not. Since nobody knows I am doing this, they see me as arrogant and unfeeling. I want to be my real self and I know most people would probably like me but I dont like me. Anyone else have this struggle?

To be honest it sounds like a struggle most have, autistic or not. I think everyone has quirks they hide from others and feel like an oddball. I think most people do a lot of acting instead of being themselves. They put on an act of what they want to be likeable and acceptable. Have things about their childhood and past they consider embarrassing.

I'm not saying this to downplay your situation. But just to say maybe you fit in better than you think and you can relax a little.

Be careful not to overdo it. When you are by yourself be yourself. Constantly hiding who you are because you do not like who you are can lead to burnout and depression or other problems as many posters here have experienced.