Observer of life rather than a participant

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After a recent realisation that I have Aspergers, it has become very obvious to me that I am an "observer of life rather than a participant". This relates to my group social interactions and general thoughts on life. It seems that I am happiest when not actively participating in social activities, but merely observing. Does anyone else feel the same way, as I think it sums me up more than any other single statement. Even while engaging in conversation, for example, I am never "in the moment", but always distracted in some way and feel like I am watching a conversation between other people.

Yes...in fact, that's what I realized a few years ago. People want interaction; and they are not comfortable with someone just being there. Most Non-asperger people have a methodolgoy of communicating. It wasn't until I learned that pattern (from this website tools) that I understood why I made people feel uncomfortable.

Unless someone asks me a direct question, I don't respond. However, most people ask questions in a non-direct way. So, my non-responsiveness was always interpreted negatively.

how did you figure out your style? Did it take you a long time, was there a moment it just hit you?

How you explained yourself and defined yourself(who you are) as what it means to have aspergers had very good clarity.

What you are saying is that instead of reacting to things instinctually, you are more of an observer in social situations.

But there are aspergers people out there who are rude, disruptive, and violent because of their impulsivity.

Last edited by earthdweller on 31 Mar 2007, 8:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh yes yes yes. And it really bugs me because one day it will be too late to take part.

I've always been more comfortable on the sidelines.

For some reason, this thread reminded me of the journals that i used to write in obsessively all through my early 20's...(I wound up with several volumes before the computer lobotomised me) I was too busy meticulously detailing my observations to really actively participate in alot of stuff that was going on around me..it was also great to hide behind....My journal was my self-help manual for the world of "normal" human interraction...I have forgotten about how much it used to help me with that kind of stuff.

Oh yes, in a big way!

When I was in kindergarden, my teacher, who was in her 60's with over 40 years teaching experiance, flagged me as being "the oddest duck she had ever seen". I have no depth perception, so that was blamed, she and my mother determined that because of my eyes, "I was intimidated with all the activities and all the co motion. Much the way a NT would be afraid to run across a freeway! Worried they would get hit!

Now, I am sure it was the Asperger's, not the Strabismus. The funny thing is, I don't remember being on the "sidelines" I felt like I was in a world wind of activity and participating! I was more then happy to just watch the world go by.

But, they knew what was best, and "drew me out" encouraging me to "participate". I honestly believe, I would have been better off left as an observer. I did my best, but always met with regection for other AS socal skills reasons. It was /is heartbreaking.

I still really enjoy life as a voyeur. Not in a crazy perverted sense, just watching people around me. It is very intruging!

I think the moment it hit me was when I realised about Aspergers. It was kind of like "now I understand why I have always been uncomfortable in conversation, especially with new people". Also, because I struggle in noisy environments (pubs, clubs, etc.) and am therefore mentally distracted and confused, I cannot relax and converse properly and my thoughts become very self-aware and observant. It is just easier to watch the action than take part in it. I also stumble a lot in conversation and it gets awkward having to repeat things all the time when my mind races ahead and words don't flow easily (let alone knowing the correct words to say). I wish people sometimes knew the physical and mental effort required to just have a normal conversation with someone.

"Go with the flow" has very little meaning to me. I prefer to sit on the side and watch everything flow right on by.

It is comforting to know how everyone else feels on this. Thanks.

Also...

Yes, fresco. I feel the same also. I know that one day it will be too late to participate even if I wanted to.

The end of that sentence says it all! I think for me it's always been a case of "wanting to want" to participate more in social interactions! I'm finally ceasing to beat myself up like that, and I'm much happier for it. I really think that most of us don't really want to be more social, because it's too much work. It's really more that we just don't want to be so "different" because it gets so tiresome having to try to explain to others why we prefer solitude and why conversation and socializing is so hard for us. People can't understand that socializing is hard for us cognitively, because for them it's automatic! They don't have to think themselves to death just to have a simple conversation about the weather!! If they did, they wouldn't want to bother, either!

Recently my doctor descibed me this way: "you are like an alien send to earth to study and observe", yes I used to watch people in large trainstations. But I dont want to be part of social chit chat, its not interesting, just a waste of time and energy.

Is it really automatic? I assumed they were just much faster at piecing together the right information to communicate, but still had to do it consciously.

Think about Chance from Being There; "I prefer to watch."

I started doing this seriously in high school. But not in train stations, I would actually go to social functions and just kind of watch. When all my friends starting smoking pot it was great -- I turned into some sort of weird guru where they would start bringing up strange theoretical things to me and ask me questions. =)

i'm this way also.

Haha, I can relate to that