Do you HAVE social skills you can't use consistently?

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I am asking this question because I am trying to figure out if my impairments are due to an ASD or something else. Please do not tell me to go get evaluated because that is not an option for me right now.

When you interact with people, do you consistently have the same problems most of the time, or in most situations?

Or do you notice at times you are unable to do things that you ARE able to use at other times?

I am talking about basic social skills like having eye contact, being able to respond, having the right timing when you say something, recognizing when someone gives you a non-verbal cue, etc.

I notice that I CAN do these things at times, although it's not natural to me, I really have to think about each little thing I am doing. But at times my ability to interact with people and pay attention to these small details really deteriorates. I am not sure if it is connected specifically to sensory overload, memory or attention problems, just plain mental exhaustion or something else. It does not seem to be anxiety or mood related.

I notice that when I get tired and begin to lose the ability to interact, it's like I recede out of my face. It becomes harder to control my facial muscles and eye movements, to talk, smile, etc. If I happen to look in a mirror, it kind of freaks me out because I feel like I don't look like myself. My face droops and seems really blank.

Does this sound like something that is consistent with an ASD?

Yes I do, although I really can’t list them. I am accused of being perfectly NT at times and then other times I am a complete wreck in social situations. I’ve noticed as I get older the wrecks happen more frequently.

I'm certainly more socially functional at certain times than I am at others - and there are certain people with whom I connect much more easily than most others.

As far as the "face" thing, if you look at photographs of other Aspergians - Dan Ackroyd has a classic 'Aspie Face' - as does Daryl Hannah, even more noticeably so as she ages - that tends, in it's normal state to be very expressionless and dour looking. It's an expression that at once looks very preoccupied and introspective and at the same time sends a nonverbal message that says "Don't touch me."

I see it in photographs of myself (one of the reasons I HATE cameras). The only time I've ever been photographed smiling was when the photographer caught me off guard by making me laugh. WP member Janissy described it as looking "stressed" and I think that's a pretty accurate summation.

Yes, I can summon the skills but similar to you, I have to think about every little moment. Sometimes it comes easier than others. The easier times are when I feel very comfortable around one individual person, which is a slow process over time. Then I feel perfectly relaxed and it seems like I don't even have to think about my reactions. I feel the person accepts me.

The times when it's exhausting is when the person doesn't know me well and I know I have to "try" to fulfill "normal" social expectations. Then it all just gets too self conscious and even though I'm pulling my social tricks out of the bag, I know they don't necessarily ring true anyway. I find my most awkward times come when I'm already burned out and overloaded from other stuff already, as you mentioned. I have to be well rested and not have experienced much recent stress in order to "perform" nearly-normal.

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I do pretty well with interactions that have a specific purpose – like the other day I was at the dentist, and I did okay with scheduling my next appointment, and deciding whether to get optional treatments, because it was based on facts and logic, and was basically a problem-solving exercise.

But when they tried to make small talk with me, my mind just went blank, and I had absolutely no idea how to answer their questions, or whether they actually meant for me to respond or not. (Especially since they were shoving weird things in my mouth half the time? Haha)

In terms of eye contact and speech mannerisms, I come across as slightly weird and different, but not obviously so. But I don't pick up on facial cues or body language, so sometimes people get annoyed with me for not understanding that their look meant "get up and come over here because it's your turn now."

Yes.

When I get anxious it's much harder to put things into words. And as it takes a lot of concentration to remember eye contact and asking about he other person I don't make eye contact as well, maybe not at all, or forget to look away, and don't track what's likely to be expected.

I think social skills that are based on thinking through each step have to appear to be inconsistent as there will be times one is too preoccupied with other things to focus on and get everything correct.

This apparent inconsistency gets people angry with me sometimes as it appears to them intentional neglect of social expectations is occurring. Shift the frame though and I consistently work hard and do my best which will vary according to how much else is on my mind that may interfere.

One would not ordinarily expect peak performance while a hammer is pounding and someone is worried a loved one is dying. We don't label that lower level of performance that typically occurs in certain circumstances inconsistent, though it is. I think of what you're describing this way.

Sometimes I seem to do better than others.

Oh yes...I've noticed this in photos and videos of people with Aspergers. Sometimes when I see other autistic people it feels like looking in a mirror. It's hard to define what it is exactly but I see a lot of similarities to myself. I hate cameras too, I don't photograph very well. When I smile for a photo it looks horribly unnatural, like a grimace.

I think my face is pretty blank most of the time anyway. I believe I make more facial expressions when I'm just thinking to myself about things than I do when I'm talking to other people.

What's concerning to me is that I feel like I really lose control of my face at times, and it coincides with having trouble speaking. My usual state may be somewhat expressionless but this is different. It happens when I feel really tired and overloaded. My face droops and my speech becomes a bit slurred. This isn't anything new, it's been happening for years. I'm just wondering if this is consistent with autism.

Basically at this point I am looking for other explanations...I am not by any means ruling out the possibility that I am autistic. I think my brain wiring is essentially autistic, even if my traits may be subclinical. But I am not sure if my impairments are actually due to autism. I am looking into the possibility that I may have some other neurological disorder, specifically a movement disorder.

Oh, yes. I feel like I have the typical sort of social skills as most NTs underneath, but I just find it hard to express them. Also sometimes my social reflexes are slower than the average NT. This does not mean I don't have the social skills.

All of them. If I am stressed and tired I do them poorly or can not do not them at all .

Yes, I seem to have some essential social skills but struggle immensely still. Just a disclaimer, my father and I both strongly suspect ASD in ourselves, but I have yet to be evaluated.

I have learned how to make small talk, even if I'm never very interested. I don't do eye contact unless I'm close with someone, but people don't mention it because I tend to look at their mouths mostly and I suppose they don't catch the difference. I think I can attribute a lot of my social skills to my observation skills as an actor (or, perhaps vice-versa. it makes sense that I should professionally go into imitating people when I've done it all my life). Body language is very textbook to me, you just have to know the signs and be on your toes, reminding yourself to look for any major cues. I suppose that's the differences - most NT's notice body language without being "on the look-out" for it. Also, for the most part, I know to catch my stims in public. Not always successful, but successful enough for people to simply think I'm only a little off.

Despite these skills, I have had so few connections to other people in my life. It would seem that I'm missing the skill of bonding. Also, my overwhelming sense of justice almost always ruins any budding relationships with others. I overload after much social interaction, and continue to have somewhat regular meltdowns even as a young adult (an improvement from the day-to-day ones as a child). Feel free to read past posts of mine covering my exploration of potentially having ASD.

Minus anxiety and given a stable environment I can socialise really well. Add pressure and stress and it falls apart terribly. Ive never been popular (far from it) but ive always been able to do short periods of socialising without incident. Its only the advent of my depression that has made it hard to apply all the rules and mores ive learnt consistently

I have no skills I can use consistently, and social ones are by no means an exception.

I have all natural social skills in me just like the average NT. I just lack social courage and self-esteem, like a social phobia/social anxiety, which holds me back from expressing myself truly. And it's not like something I can overcome. So to me it's a lifelong disorder.

I could write a whole novel and be excellent with the social and emotional detail, and the reader wouldn't think an Aspie wrote the book. The reader would think an extroverted NT wrote it.

I can emotionally relate to others, put myself in their shoes, use normal social imagination, read subtle body language and other expressions, and I understand jokes, sarcasm and idioms and other illogical stuff. It's all just social instinct that I have never studied, it's just naturally in me.

As a toddler I displayed no signs of AS at all, and I developed typically. When I went to preschool, nobody gave me a handbook of how to interact and make friends. I did it all myself, like human instinct. There were other children of my age at the preschool, and my instinctive reaction to that was to play with them, interact with them, and just basically share the environment with them, which I did without an issue. So if I had social instincts when I was as young as 3 years old without somebody holding a gun to my head and FORCING me to play wih the children, then I must have natural social skills in me. I know I do.

It's just as if my case of AS stops my social skills from showing up on the outside. Instead I clam all up and feel too shy to act interested in people, although I am very interested in people.

I am always forced to use any social skills I have consistently.

Sometimes I do so with pleasure, sometimes not.