My brain is my best friend

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My motivation for posting this is to organize my thoughts about this aspect of myself, and also to see if anyone else on here can relate. Unsolicited advice directed at me is NOT welcome. If you're offended by the "obsessive nature" (length) of my posts, simpily don't reply and move on.

I spend almost the entire day in my own brain. Ever since I can remember, I would spend the entire day obsessing over a fixation on something in my own head (if i wasn't reading about it), to the extent that I would literally never play with other kids for months on end, I would pace around and daydream while other kids played with each other. This concerned a few teachers in elementary school as I would often pace back and forth on the playground seemingly doing nothing.

Any interaction I had with other people/objects was me associating whatever fixation I had with other things. For example, one of my first obsessions that I had for years had to do with the size of animals (prehistoric and modern) compared to one another, along with what each animal ate. I remember repeatedly asking my parents when I was about 5 years old "Does x eat people?", "Does y eat people?", and I'd primarily only ever ask that (outside of asking strangers their age but that's off topic). In early to mid elementary school I would notice groups of boys chasing groups of girls, and then daydream pretending that the boys represented packs of therapods and the girls represented herds of sauropods, especially as the boys were smaller like a therapod and the girls were bigger like a sauropod. I would obsess over people's heights when they stood next to each other throughout childhood, and at home constantly line toys from shortest to tallest and then constantly stand them next to each other and repeat for what was probably hours.

Even to this day, I spend almost all of my time in my brain. As an adult, I'm either daydreaming about information related to an obsession (most recently, test score distributions and statistics have been one of them), even having a conversation with my brain about my obsessions, i'm remembering something that happened in the past causing me to randomly start laughing, to the confusion of those around me, or i'm imagining a conversation that I predict is going to happen with someone in the future. My interactions with my own brain, regardless of what they are (outside of the occasional bad memory but those don't commonly spring up) feel just as satisfying as a conversation with a real human - if anything its less satisfying to have a real conversation with a person as I constantly get misunderstood by beings outside of my brain, whereas in my brain everything makes sense. I feel warm and fuzzy inside after daydreaming, almost as if i've been wrapped up in a warm blanket with a heater on. The other day I came to the realization that I've had a friend this whole time - a best friend. That best friend is my own brain.

This means that I've barely ever had much actual social need and likely played a role as to why I have poor social skills (only really ever tried to get friends just to fit in so that I didn't get picked on more than I was, was never successful and in fact creeped several "friends" out throughout my life on accident, which I didn't even realize until years later). I come off as very cold and I've come to realize later on in life that people seem outright scared of me possibly because I'm just as satisfied, if not more satisfied, socializing with my own imagination than I am other people and tend to neglect small talk for that reason. However, on the plus side I never get bored, and I never feel the need to seek out a conversation with people in real life just for no reason. I wonder if this is something that others here can relate to, as I've never met anyone even close to as introverted as I am, as an adult I now realize that's a major reason for why I always came off as odd even in early childhood, and as an adult i sometimes feel like a crazy person because of it.

EDIT: Typos

Many with Aspergers have a larger internal life. As a result there can be developmental delays. For many there is no desire to expand into the social arena. For others it can be difficult. For those wishing to develop skills as an adult, support groups can be a place to start. Others may find groups activities that focus of a task a good place to start.

At this stage in my life I've realized that I'm relatively comfortable being a loner, since there aren't really people harassing me/picking on me randomly like there were in middle/high school, and I can finally feel safer being by myself since it seems like the adults around me are more understanding and actually leave me alone (but that might be because they're all a lot older than me).

Seems like managing stress/anxiety is a bigger issue now, I never thought I'd say it but I finally see what some people with the disorder are saying when they say their sensory issues got worse as they aged, because the auditory issues definitely already started to get worse lately and I'm only 20. Now even a regular office will sometimes send me into a near anxiety attack as it did earlier. Then there's the lifelong GI issues (which literally almost killed me a few years ago as it sent me to the ER, and are beginning to worsen again), the fact that I still work way slower than other people which is on the verge of costing me my job as we speak (and got me in trouble a lot at school), issues starting things, and overreacting to changes in my day-to-day life (including a couple of su*c*de plans). I'm not even going to get into my various issues with communication, the fact that I still haven't gained independence with tasks such as driving and cleaning, etc., but yeah I gotta say that not being able to make friends is just the tip of the iceberg at this stage in my life.

I get this. Not a social creature, too busy learning, looking stuff up, trying to understand whatever I am studying at the moment. I still question the belief of many NT who have declared having a "social life" "social connections" and participating in "social activities" is essential to all humans. Maybe not!

I should clarify I didn't fully read the original post, but I got the gist of it.
While I do enjoy being social sometimes, my brain can be a great companion. When I'm bored I can spend hours in my imagination, not paying much attention to the world around me. Lately when I'm bored I find myself reaching for my phone, but I try to resist that urge and use my brain instead.

Best friend/worst enemy.
Dichotomy on toast for breakfast.

My brain is my worst enemy.

I'll be eating food and my brain will say, "Your sense of taste is disappearing and it's because you have covid! Welp, it was nice knowing us!"

I'll notice some kind of rash or spots on my skin and it'll say "Congratulations you've got mpox! Or skin cancer."

I'll see it raining and windy outside and it'll say "Yay! We're going to have a huge hailstorm or a hurricane, and if you survive you'll lose everything you ever owned and your life will be ruined forever!!"

I go to bed at night and it'll say "Hey remember that horrible and humiliating thing that happened to you in grade 3 and then later you had horrible anxiety and fear about it? I'm going to remind you about it again!"

"Hey, why are those people over there laughing? Oh right, they're laughing at you! It's because you're fat and don't wear makeup and have a picture of Mickey Mouse on your shirt! "

"When people say you have a lot of stuff in your apartment, it's because you're selfish and materialistic and your mother spoils you like a small child. And you act like a child, too!

My brain just is. It's not a friend or an enemy. My voice is my friend. I can tell people exactly what I think. My likes and dislikes and the different opinions that I have. I can express my moods with my voice. I feel very lucky to have a voice. Roughly 40% of autistic people are nonverbal.

I think you mean your "self" rather than your brain.

I have been speaking to my "self" since I was probably 5. I don't necessarily feel the need to compare my self to other people but I have come to rely on my inner voice to validate what other people say and/or what do when facing some decision. I recommend watching this cartoon for a funny version of this
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt22022452/

My brain and I are more like frenemies.

When it tries to start a catastrophizing cycle I have to tell it to f**k off.

My brain is mostly not reliable.

Here's what I feel;

My limbic system is a fricking whiner that I wish it should shut up.
My frontal cortex is almost always half asleep for reasons nothing to do with the brain.

My cerebellum is at least half the time overworked and possibly very strained.
My hippocampus is somehow aging faster...


I have sleep issues that isn't because of psych issues.
I have a physical yet really troublesome and disruptive condition related to my breathing.


Somewhere, my left brain or whenever my language centers are, is either half dead or half blocked or whatever.

And somewhere, my right brain only carries me through with all of this inanity of an existence.


I'm constantly bored or overwhelmed. But mostly bored.
I'm bored because I'm overwhelmed or sick.

I'm overwhelmed because of some stupid subconscious crap I have to cope.
I'm sick because I can't ignore my body's whining.


Thankfully I'm currently mastering ways to close unwanted tabs... Getting rid of bloatware in my head...

I was once someone with maladaptive daydreams, disruptive enough to not give me space for the external.
Not 100% done, but I know where I'm going.

I've yet to learn my main source of imbalance other than being stupidly sensitive.


If I have zero issues with my brain, I'd have all my reliable executive function.
I'd be self studying instead of being busy coping with crap that my subconscious is wasting my energy over.

Out of things I use to cope with, mine had to be useless and expensive.
I hate my subconscious is doing unreliable shite for my brain.


Thus I thought solve the unwanted subconscious shite, whatever that might be = get more reliable brain.

And it is for me.

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