How does your AS/autism influence your family life?

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Well, how do your characteristics impact on the way your family life revolves? As a child or a parent, do you think that AS has generally made it somewhat difficult or perhaps easier? I get on (usually) with my siblings and parents, but I am mostly in my own world, and very distant. In many ways they are strangers to me and I to them. What about your family life, especially growing up? Has it placed a burden on any relationships or perhaps brought you closer to someone?

If you respond to this thread I want you to answer the following questions.....

Has those closest to you showed (general) understanding/support and awareness of your AS/Autism?

How do you think their attitude towards you has impacted on your life?

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Last edited by holden on 15 Feb 2009, 10:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ihave recently separated. My ex can no longer cope with my AS traits. he wanted peossibly to stay together, but his life at home for manyyears has centred around trying to change me.
it has been very difficult.
i have spent a large part of this relationship trying to hide or mask or attend to deficits in me and i have tried to do the things a mother and partner is supposed to do.

i cannot.
i cannot even cope with touch if it is not organised.
it is the same with intimacy.
my executive dysfcunction is not good when i have to factor in other people.
i struggle to keep any kind of timetable for my son and sadly my attending to him is often secondary to my special interest,

I talk a lot, but i struggle to listen to anything anyone says.
i have a lot fo zonging out midsentence.
i have bad meltdowns and cannot regulate my emotions very well.


in short, i am 46 and the past few months have been diffiuclt as i have been accepting how much i struggle, living with people.

I didn't know I had AS as a child, but I knew I was different. My parents were somehow aware of that, but showed very little support and understanding - if any. Obviously, this had a very bad impact upon my life, resulting in low self-esteem, guilt and a feeling of inadequacy.

Things started to change after I left home, and are totally different in my new family. My husband is very supportive and me having Asperger's made us see and share our experiences in a new way - we enjoy and appreciate being so different.

am have been treated like a burden throughout life by family,even though they knew am was autistic,MLD [they used 'ret*d' back then],and 'behaviorally challenged',am admit would have been a heavy burden on them,but had not asked to be born this way anymore than could help being born a mancunian,it's something have got to get on with and use what have been given-especially moreso from parents just because one of their children is a gifted aspie counciler and the other is a special school educated autie with high support needs-parents try to help their children to have the strongest individual abilities possible but still end up wanting clones by comparing each other.

It was easy for them to treat am as the worthless one,but not notice the things am could do better than sister [computer games and with animals].

they didnt start to understand till sister started to do her pyschology and counciling studies at college and uni and updated mum and dads understanding of why am was the way am was,doctors had originally given them a completely wrong and outdated understanding of what was going on,so it led to being treated badly,regretting had been born,and expected to do very little at all in life,had also heard off sister a few years ago mum had thought am was possessed by the devil as a teenager,so couldnt help but get a copy of/bring the satanic bible to the house one weekend.

Am have not let the past rule life,and now mum and dad know even more than some of the specialists in the LD team who are supposed to know a lot in autism.

It hasn't really affected my family life, seeing as my family is so messed up to begin with. Gotta love my parents though, they do everything they can for me and my siblings.

My mum has always been worried about me and protecting me all my life. She invited me to an event but then decided it's best I not go because there were going to be 800 people there.
My sister and brother treat me like any other, even though my sister is very bossy I like being treated like any other. I've found people try to talk to me about my autism make me feel worse.

I completely agree with the last point. And about the sister thing, I don't mind a bossy sister as much as I mind my sister, she is pretty much evil... She actually likes the shock and horror peta videos, and decided that peta is like a god for her, and can't help but make life for people around her miserable. Plus she used my father's birthday as an excuse to be in town to see her friends... How cruel is that. "Oh, happy birthday dad, now I am going over to Jane's for a sleep over, she said she would pick me up from here, but not mom's."

this is so sad.
my family dont know i have a.s, as i lie to them.
i only found out last year.
growing up was awful- OBVOUSLY there was something wrong, but in the 70s/ 80s it was either- naughty child or mental case. i didnt quite fit into the latter, so everyone thought i was naughty. my parents were really patient and tried to support me, but they didnt know what the matter was; and neither did i. by 14 i was screaming lots, hitting out, and just consumed with anger- i was pretty vile.

it really upset them, esp since i seemed so cut off, so unemotial in many ways, then just- this screaming, crying mess at other times. i got on better with mysister, as with other peers, but it was still hard. i was aware that everyone thought me different and weird- i was contantly being told so. i still am.

their attitude has been one of patience- i visit my mum at christmas; her- very nice- friends live a couple of minutes away. she invites me to go with her when she goes for a small party there, but knows i wont go (keeps on hoping), though im perfectly friendly when they come round...

growing up i had a strong sense of being a cuckoo- which seems common- hence the name 'wrong planet', i suppose...

i never knew my real parents as they were very young (mother was 15 and father was 16) and both died in a motorcycle accident. (i have no concern about that).

anyway i was adopted at the age of 2 weeks. my mother had 3 girls herself but had to have an hysterectomy after that.
my father always wanted a son, and there was a vote at the kitchen table one night as to whether to adopt a boy. my father and 2 of the girls voted yes, and my mother and my middle sister voted no.

so i was got.
the 2 sisters who voted yes were soon disillusioned with me because i was not a baby that could be played with.
my mother always had a feeling that "i" was what dad really wanted, but what she could never provide naturally, so there was always a resentment from her to me. like she called me "your fathers pet dog" once when she had to mind me when he was away.
my father always looked after me even from when i was 6 months old as my mother was not that keen, and my sisters had gotten bored with me very much by then.

i did not reciprocate like a "real" baby, and i did not grimmace or react to their "funny" faces they pulled.
to me their wrinkled faces during an exaggerated expression were no more meaningful than wrinkled bedsheets or something. i can remember a lot about my early consciousness.

i liked to be placed on my tummy so i could look at the floor with all it's wealth of stimulus, rather than on my back to gaze upon mindless faces all mysteriously morphing one way and another.

i was a "potato sack baby", in that when people held me, they had to hold every bit of me or i would fall through their arms to the floor. i gave no reciprocal assistance in my muscular tension that helped them to hold me more easily like average babies do.

so my mother was not happy and my sisters all treated me like a dud. (they were respectively 11,13 and 15) when i was born.
i was no fun, and i did not perceive they were any more important than trees.

when i was at an inoculation shot visit to a local GP when i was about 3-4 months old, my mother mentioned my limpness of posture and my obliviousness to peoples attempts to get my attention. the doctor did some simple tests like for example a "point" test where he pretended to look startled and he pointed to what he was startled at, and i did not look in that direction. i was initially considered LFA and ret*d.
that proved i was a "dud " to them, and from then on, only my father had any time for me. i was not the son he wanted, but i was like someone he felt compelled to protect. i am very fond of him.
as i grew, my sisters all moved out as they were promiscuous. they were all gone before i was 5. (phew!! !).

from that time on, i felt comfortable in my isolation and i used the attic in the roof of our house as my room.
my father did not even check on me much by that time (let alone anyone else).

i got him to buy me all the electronic components i needed through childhood, and as i grew into a teenager, i realized i was despised by my sisters (except for the younger one) because my dad bought me things he never bought for them. but they never asked for them..

i can not be bothered posting any more about it as it is not that interesting to me.

my father showed me support. he never did and still does not understand me however.

in no way at all. other peoples emotional turmoil is like a volcano going off on the other side of the world.
i am oblivious to it unless i hear media coverage, and even then, i never felt it here.

I hate going on most trips except if it includes a trip to the beach or somewhere fun. Otherwise I tend to stay home. I stay in my room and listen to music. My dad aint social either so we dotn talk much.

Actually my brother is autistic and our family is worried about him. He gets angry very soon and he can't handle any stress or problems. He doesn't want to marry as he thinks that it is a huge responsibility.

suprisingly it does affect my family quite a bit, but my parents are kind of blind to the signs so just laugh it off if i bring it up.
it affects my parents because a lot of the things they get me to do or want me to do i do litterly just that and then they are surprised and annoyed. lucky for them most of my life so far ive always pretended to get what they mean, i have a very sarcastic family but i never know when they are actually being sarcastic so i guess this affects me more then them. its incredibly frustrating that not only do they not understand my difficulties, but they ignore them and have no idea they are even happening.


with my sister its just generally we dont get along all the time because i say inappropriate things (not sexual things ew) because i dont pick up on the ques or body language so i make a joke or say something and it turns out she was feeling really insecure about it or she was in a bad mood apparently so we tend to not get along, again my parents just think im mean to my sister but i can't really its just a luck thing of i say things at the right time or wrong time

It's definitely made things more difficult for both me and my family.

My family has gone to great lengths to learn about and work with my autism.

Their attitude and resolve has had a very positive impact on my life.

Growing up, I think my AS was a pretty big influence on how I related to my parents, though none of us knew that was the issue. I look back and see my father as confused and helpless, and my mother frustrated and disappointed. The thing I heard so often was how there had to be something wrong with me - I was smart and talented and so on but at the same time I was this failure who could never do anything right. Eventually I got sick of how they always made me feel worse about myself and cut off all contact. We re-connected a few years back but we don't talk much. I tried to tell them I thought I had aspergers a year ago, thinking they might appreciate an answer to the old 'what is wrong with you?' question, but, my father was dismissive and my mother pretty much mocked me for trying to make myself sound 'special' with some trendy label. I haven't brought it up since. So maybe it isn't so much how my autism affected my family life, but how their lack of understanding (or willingness to) affected it.

My family life now is with my (neurotypical, though not without his own issues) boyfriend and his daughter. We've been together nearly five years and lived together almost four. Truthfully, it's been difficult, and we're still figuring out how to make it work. It involves a lot of patience, on both our parts, and having to communicate and compromise and meet halfway. The time after we moved in together was the worst for us both - I was feeling overwhelmed with the sudden responsibility of child and household and another person's happiness but not understanding why, and he was in this lonely relationship with a person who he realized wasn't what he thought, but again, not understanding why. A few times we nearly ended it, probably should have ended it, but he was too stubborn and I was too afraid.

The silver lining was that my depression and guilt (which was nothing new, but now it was affecting someone other than myself) had me seeking answers that led to my self-diagnosis. Since then, things have improved a lot. And a major part of that is my boyfriend's willingness to learn and to understand, and to be my buffer against the outside word when I feel like I can't handle it and my support when I can. It's not perfect, and he's made mistakes and so have I but we're working it out, and we'll continue to do so because we both feel it's worth it. And perhaps our relationship would seem odd or undesirable to others, but, who cares about them, right? And we see the world in such different ways, and approach relationships in such different ways, we've both learned a lot about each other and ourselves and are stronger together for it.

My relationship with his daughter (who I've come to see as my own) can be tricky. I'm not warm or affectionate, and I can sometimes be strict and impatient with her. But again, this is where my boyfriend steps in and explains that people show love in different ways, or makes sure I get a 'night off' from parenting if I've had a rough day. And again, though we might not have a 'typical' mommy-daughter relationship, she knows she can tell me things without judgement, that I'll always be there for her with advice and a fresh perspective and an honest answer, that if she wants to know more about something I'm always happy to explain or look it up because I love learning as much as she does.

So, autism is a big influence on our life, and when I first realized I had it almost seemed to define it - where I sometimes felt like this damaged half, with him as caretaker rather than equal - which was a huge blow to my pride and I often worried he'd eventually come to resent me. But we did get through that and although my autism and it's place in our relationship is there and always will be, our life is defined by the things we love about being together - our mutual respect, our similar values, the things we love to do together, and so on.

realised i didn't answer the questions


1. no they haven't , they wont even let me get tested because they just laugh at me saying im being silly or not to be down on myself that im just not trying hard enough, even though they don't listen to 85% of what i say anyway, thats probably why i was never tested, i mean i displayed all the signs when i was little and growing up yet.....nothing?

2. their attitude about this has affected my life in a big way, for years ive thought i was going crazy, i thought i had multiple personality disorders developing, i thought i was lazy and hated myself for years till now not understanding why everyone at school bullied me or why i don't fit in, but it turns out that all that struggle can be explained and that makes me feel...better about myself. thats what this left me with as an impact on my life