Me, Myself & I dunno

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Hello everyone.

I'm new here (obviously) and I wanted to introduce myself.

My name is Christian. I'm 31 years old and have lived in Mexico City all my life. I stumbled on this website because for some reason I ended up reading an article on Wikipedia about Asperger syndrome and it was mentioned there.

Reading that article was like a sudden burst of light. The symptoms of Asperger's pretty much described many things that I do that I think baffles many people, including my family (especially my family). I really don't know if I have Asperger's, since it was never mentioned the couple of times I went to therapy (though, to be honest, I think those doctors kinda sucked), and I didn't even knew what it meant until I read about it.

As I said, I've lived in Mexico all my life. But I don't feel very "Mexican". I don't like or feel particularly identified with many of the local customs and idiosyncrasies. I have always tried to speak and write properly while my peers use "güey" ("dude" in Mexican Spanish) and many other local words to express among themselves. The culture here is very "macho"-centric, and as such, many of my male peers horseplay a lot or treat others in a very "rough" way, which only until very recently I discovered it wasn't because they were trying to be mean, but that's just the way they bond with each other. Sometimes it's very difficult to distinguish between the two, at least for me, and that's why I always found it hard to make friends, or at least friends who I could depend on. I also usually say things just the way they are, and many people don't like that level of honesty. When people are going through something rough, I just don't know how to react. For example, 5 years ago, the mother of a good friend of mine died. I couldn't put myself in her situation, and even though I knew she was suffering, I really couldn't do anything to make it better for her, except saying "I'm sorry for your loss", and I felt I wasn't really saying something I'd say. Sometimes I see myself as a soulless monster because of this.

I like many things people in here, and especially people my age, don't like, like listening to classical music or watching old movies. I don't like dancing (especially not to the kind of "music" people like to dance to in here), I don't smoke nor drink (which makes many people my age consider me as a complete "bore"), and I only go to parties where I'm sure I'll be able to have a conversation with somebody I know (so I try to avoid places like night clubs and bars). This complete disconnection with people is what has kept me single (and yes, virgin) all these years, and even though I seem to know many people (especially on Facebook), I wouldn't really consider them as friends. And even those who I do consider as such, I don't think they'll ever take a bullet for me, even though I would for them.

My parents were divorced when I was just 8 years old. I used to think my "weirdness" was due to that, but after today, I guess it's just because it's the way I was born. When I was little, I was "the Devil" according to many people. I was even diagnosed as "hyperactive" by my pediatrician, and my mother had to send me to schools where I had extra-curricular activities such as karate and swimming just so I could get tired and stopped making my family's life a living hell. Obviously it didn't work until I was in middle school and my mother could buy me a computer. Since then, I had used computers every single day, and that's why I became a programmer. Funnily enough, I suck at Math (mainly because I had terrible teachers), but for some reason, I have an almost natural talent with software and programming in general and that makes me good at my job, which at least for Mexican standards, pays me well.

Having a talent with computers also helped me save at least a little bit of my sanity. If it wasn't because I discovered the Internet almost 20 years ago, I'd have surely killed myself by now, because I felt so lost. In the wrong place. All the time. Fortunately I discovered the rest of the world and many people who I feel pretty close to, even though I haven't met them in person at all. I feel more at home on the virtual world of the Internet than in the "real" world. It even helped me escape the torture of my daily life with my mother who I just couldn't stand until I left the house when I was 27. I was very happy in my independent life, but I had to come back with her recently because she's 63 years old and was alone. My brothers and sister don't really care for her, or at least not so much as to visit her regularly, so I bought an apartment and share it with her. We still have our differences, but since I'm mostly at work or at my swimming classes (I began taking them when I left the house, because I wanted to do something else besides staring at a machine all day), we live in peace. An armed peace, but peace nonetheless.

I'm sure there are many more "quirks" about myself, but I guess I better hire a biographer for that. This was long enough. So, what do you think? Do I have Asperger's?

Thanks for your attention and hope you have a great day.

Welcome.

Hey Christian welcome.

I went to see counselors for over 15 years before I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers.

Thanks for your welcome messages.

Anyway, I guess I should ask a professional, but seeing that Asperger's and autism in general is a very broad field, it could be very difficult to find the right person. I just want to give this some closure so I can go on with my life thinking that there's other people like me out there, and I'm just not a random freak that sometimes seems like a psycho to many people. It has been very difficult to make sense of what I am.