Asperger's dating statistics

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I have had therapists and friends tell me that it would be better for me to compare myself to other Aspies, rather than NTs, which makes sense. However statistics about Aspies are hard to find. Has anyone seen or know of dating statistics for Asperger's, like how many girlfriends/boyfriends or sex partners they have in a lifetime, the age they first date or have sex at? Things and milestones like that. I haven't had any luck finding stuff like that through google searches.

It doesn't make sense, to me, to go by statistics.

You are an individual. You very well could belie the statistics.

I know I've belied the statistics--both negatively and positively.

Just like absolute reliance on macroeconomics, without considersation given to input provided by microeconomics, is ridiculous.

I guess the statistics might give me a more accurate picture of where I stand. Maybe I wasn't as below average as I thought I was, things like that, that might help give a better picture or improve my beliefs about myself.

This is true: everybody is "below average" in some things, "average" in others, and "above average" in others.

If you find a statistic which offers a positive alternative to your subjective impressions, then I'm all for it. However, the dating statistics (there are actually very few objective studies on that), show that people with ASD's are less successful in dating than their NT counterparts.

Who's to say YOU will be less successful, based upon the statistics?

When I stopped trying so hard to get a date, I became more successful. I used to be laughed at, mocked, etc. I'm a 5 foot 5 man who doesn't exactly look like a "hunk." After I said "screw it, it will come when the time is right," I became more successful.

That is pretty much what happened to me as well. However, I have spent most of my life feeling ashamed because I didn't seem to do as good at dating as many of my peers. I was mocked, called a homosexual terms a lot, things like that. I didn't know I had Asperger's until a few months ago. I am now finding out that maybe I did ok compared to that peer group. I was able to get and have stayed married. It seems that is difficult for many aspies.

I understand what you are saying. You seem to have had similar experiences to me.

It does seem difficult for many people with ASD's.

I believe it's a matter of interests, really. Most non-autistic people simply don't have the same interests as their ASD counterparts.

Just like NT's, people with ASD's need to make mistakes, and to learn from them. Perhaps, people with ASD's need a "mentor" who could instruct them in an illustrative manner about what to do in "social" situations.

Many people with ASD's possess the cognitive awareness to learn from their mistakes. That should be taken advantage of. People just have to reflect about the mistakes of their past, so that they stand a better chance of not repeating them.

But, really: the key is to not to try so hard--no matter how impending the hormones are. Emphasize common interests, and common background (if applicable) rather than talking about "dating" per se.

It's not a hopeless situation for Aspies. Just read about all the married people on this Site. Some relationships are rocky--but aren't all relationships rocky?

You have gotten some good advice here.

I can also say that when I stopped being concerned about finding a lasting relationship, that's when it found me. I had actually just about decided that I didn't want to get married ever when my to-be husband started pursuing me.

I don't know why that happens. Do we relax in such a way that makes us more open? Not sure. I have heard the same kind of thing from NTs as well who were having trouble finding romance.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you how to relax about it. It just was something I sort of gave up about, a kind of surrender.

I guess I would be one of the success stories here. I have been married to an attractive, wonderful woman for 15 years who accepts me for what I am, weirdness and all. It is hard for me to stay focused on that, and not look at the past, and the tough times it took to get to where I am, and the feelings I had about being different in the social arena.

Sex has always seemed to be one of my special interests, and it was really tough to know and study all of that stuff and then never have the opportunity to try it out. I am sure I wasn't the first person with that problem. It does seems that one Aspie characteristic is the inability to stop visiting the past and obsessing about failures there.

My understanding is that you are currently successful in your marriage, and are just seeking statistics for the purpose of improving your self-esteem?

I'm not sure where you would find precompiled statistics with the specific filters you're looking for. While the questions you're asking seem to be very personal I'm sure the data exists somewhere and it is a matter of accessing it. Perhaps your therapist and friends can help you find the statistics? I'm not sure that I would recommend a poll on here to find out...

Comparing one's life to another is fraught with danger. Comparing it to a statistically average imaginary person is likely to have the same problems.
Good luck in your search and do please post a link to the data if you find anything.

EDIT: Your post just popped in before my reply, but I'd say that an attractive, wonderful woman would indicate a significant success somewhere in your past..

I know it sounds silly, but I would like to believe that my past wasn't as bad or abnormal as I think it is or it seemed to be. By NT standards I was below average in everything related to dating:

Married at age 32
First real serious relationship at 29
First fling, not serious relationship at 21
First "real" sexual experience at 20 (There was sexual abuse at a child but I don't think that counts)
Had 2 girlfriends prior to marriage
The frequency of sex in my marriage is below the average for our ages

As I stated, this is all well below NT norms, but I guess they aren't my real peer group. I guess it might change my perspective if I knew I was average by AS norms. I guess maybe I am following the idea that "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man gets to be king".

Sorry if my data is too explicit or inappropriate. I don't do real well with social understanding-I am an Aspie, never did well with that.

Most autistic people don't get married so you're already ahead of the curve. In Canada, only 32% have ever had a serious relationship.

Speaking of which, I don't think those landmarks are outside of the normal range at all, except perhaps "serious relationship". Getting married at 32 is increasingly common.

Interesting. You say you are well below NT norms. To get a perspective on what you are talking about, can you detail what those NT norms are that you are measuring yourself against?

Thanks for the link to the article on ASD and being single in Canada. I found it fascinating. Not as much for the statistics as for the stories. At the beginning, when Todd was going thru the mental checklist. Most of that is stuff that I didn't know until I read it. It still amazes me that here at 48, I don't know things that NTs just naturally know. I also identified with Alex and how you keep waiting to wake up and be like everyone else, knowing things that everyone else does. I couldn't have described my feelings better than she did. It is great to see that others had the same experiences that I did.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my life struggles are summed up in this sentence right here!

As for me, first kiss (and sexual experience) wasn't until 29 and I have only been with 3 women to this point. Still, in the past six months I have kissed 4 women (for a grand total of 5) and will be almost certainly kissing another one tonight on date #2 (I actually picked up on her subtle kiss signal on the first date, I just wasn't ready and had a cold anyway). I was a late bloomer but I am rapidly catching up! Most Aspie-like guys I know are single but not because they are repulsive or girls aren't interested: they are just too wrapped up in their own interests.

I once thought I was a total freak only to find out several women I dated never got their first kiss until 26-27 and one is 32 and after meeting (and befriending) her ex-boyfriend (the only other one she has ever had beside me) I strongly believe is a virgin. One thing I have found when I dress up for a date (dress shirt and shoes) I usually end up having the girl fall hard for me. Maybe it confuses women to see a intelligent, clean, tall, athletic well spoken (albeit very fast talking) man wearing a Mario Bros T-shirt and sneakers?

Didn't have a lot of time to look, but a quick internet search turned up the following NT norms for males:

Age at marriage - 29.8
Number of relationships before marriage - 8
Number of sexual partners before marriage - 10
Number of one night stands - 6
Average age of first sexual experience - 16

Since you are happily married now and have been for many years, why are you obsessing over the age of this or that or how many of this or that before marriage? I don't understand this at all.