Advice On Partners Meltdown Please

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Hi,

My partner with aspergers had a major meltdown last night.

Today he is apologetic for the meltdown (it was not aimed at me, it was an external event) but he is now extremely depressed. He says he doesn't get joy from his life.

I have two questions which I am hoping for advice on:

1) What is the best way I can help him recover today?

2) Could I have averted the meltdown?
The meltdown started when he went to do something outside the house and he was prevented from doing it. He left where he was as he felt he was getting angry. On his return he started shouting about what had happened and following me round the house. I listened to him and let him get it off his chest for a few hours. Should I have done this or should I have left him alone immediately?

Many thanks - I would very much appreciate your opinions.

If he followed you around the house, then you leaving him doesn't make sense. He was capable of going off by himself if he wanted.

If he says he gets no joy maybe pay attention to what he's telling you instead of getting an answer from yon internet. Anyways, that's a depression or mood swing issue, hardly a specific autism one.

Thank you for your reply.

Yes he taking medication for depression and we deal with that via talking, his GP and councilling.

I am trying to give him space and not crowd him today after his meltdown as I imagine a meltdown is exhausting and he needs to process things.

Thanks

It might be a bit too late to be answering you concerning that meltdown, but I guess I'll just answer for the sake of it.
I had a meltdown earlier today, it was the first time I couldn't help it in front of my partner (we've been together for a little over a year). I feel crap. I can't even sleep, I'm sort of worried for some reason, even though he is absolutely understanding of all of my singularities. I think we do tend to get a little depressed after a meltdown and that plus the depression must make him feel like s***t.

I believe the best you can do in the future is being understanding and supporting to help with the recovery, and also not making a big deal out of it because IT HAPPENS. It's a part of living with the condition.
As for averting the meltdown, I don't think you could've done it. Personally, when I'm feeling angry, all I want is for my partner to listen and be supportive.

This is mostly based on my personal experience, but I really hope it helps you in the future.

I can't speak for him, but I can tell you what things work for me. For the meltdown, it would be good that you listened to me and let me rant for a little while. After that, though, if I can't calm myself down and move on to something else, it is best to distract me with something new. I am learning to time myself and stop focusing on the stressor after some time. So, for example, if I had a bad experience and came home and started melting down about it, yelling and getting worked up, the best thing my partner could do is first to listen and be 'on my side.' But then, when I start to repeat myself and/or have said everything I 'needed' to say, I will try to recognize that and focus on something new. But if I can't or don't move on on my own, my partner should then distract me with something new and good such as helping to make dinner or watching a TV show I like or asking me about a topic that interests me. Anything that moves my thoughts away from the bad event and toward something I enjoy.

After the meltdown, the best thing my partner could do is to let me know I don't need to feel ashamed about it, that it is ok and that they understand I could not stop it. Just be accepting and very clear that you are accepting.

For not enjoying life, the best thing I could think is to try to reduce anxiety wherever it might be lurking. Look for unaddressed sensory issues (he may not be aware they exist). Sunny days are beautiful but too bright for me. If I don't have my sunglasses, my stress level goes up dramatically. Noises and lights are common issues. Other anxiety sources might be not being able to engage in activities he enjoys or trying to navigate social situations or not having a place where he can 'decompress,' a quiet, dark place where he can be alone or with you and he can control the sensory input to calm himself down. For me, I calm down by being comfortable and watching a TV show I love with the sound down low. It is common for people on the spectrum to have and need a calm-down routine or room to help them process and let go of the thing that is stressing them.
Meltdowns can often be avoided with a calm-down 'escape plan.' Lots of people carry an MP3 player loaded with music they like as an emergency escape; I've been close to a meltdown at the store and gone out to my car and just sat there listening to familiar music for a few minutes and felt better enough to be able to go back and finish shopping without a meltdown.

Oh, that would totally backfire for me. I'd start accusing the person of trying to shut me up because they don't care about me.

It works for me because I trust my partner and know they do not feel that way, and because I recognize that I can go on and on about something that is bothering me until my obsession reaches an unhealthy level. I'm trying to learn to stop myself before I get to that level. Also, it only works after I have been able to say my piece and I feel adequately expressed. If I didn't have the opportunity to describe what the issue was, I would very much NOT appreciate a subject change and would feel the other person is not taking my problem seriously.