Cursed from birth...

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Hi all

I've never joined a forum like this before, so I don't know where to start really..

I'm 22 living with Aspergers & dyslexia, I was diagnosed a long time ago in primary school, year 2 or 3 I think.

I never really got on with school, first year in year 7 was probably my most productive year, after that it slowly went downhill.. Mainly due to having new teachers every year.. By the time I was in year 10 I barely went to any classes and spent most of my days in a room with just a few people trying to help me.. I left at the end of year 10 and never went back due to being severely depressed & my mum was badly ill at the time.

I probably spent a good 6 months not leaving my house, worst time of my life at the time, who knew it could get worse..

At 16 I got my first road bike which gave me the freedom I needed, me, my brother & dad had always been petrol heads.

Probably the happiest I had ever been just riding around, and that's pretty much what I've done for the last 6 years.. Ride bikes.

Progressing through them, 50cc, 125, 400,600, to my current bike a 1000cc fireblade.

I was getting tired of doing the same thing day in day out, just riding with mates etc. so for the last 3 years or so I've been riding just because I had nothing else to do, it didn't make me happy like It used to... Which lead to being pretty depressed for quite a while.. Suicidal thoughts daily.

I've been depressed from around 12 years old, not constantly but up & down.
I set a date which if I wasn't happy or enjoying life by the time I was 20 I was going to end it, it gave me comfort knowing i didn't have to stress about the future.

So I'm 2 years past my date & if I had of known what was coming I definitely would of left 2 years ago.

My big brother aged 24 died recently(30th of May) in a bike crash.. I was depressed before this happened, but now my feelings just can't be put into words, I've never lost anyone close to me, never mind my brother which I still lived with.. We were close, I used to ride with him a few times a week depending on the weather.

In earlier days, I used to go out with him and his friends as I couldn't make any of my own.. So without him I probably would of been a recluse my whole life, my childhood would of been 100% worse without him.. I just never got the chance to say thanks for helping me so much.

So yeah the last 2 months of my life have been hell, I go to sleep thinking about him, I wake up thinking about him.. He was always there for me, I crashed my bike last year and he was the first person I called.. He was there straight away trying to help/calm me down.. It didn't work but he tried haha. I wish I was there when he crashed, to try help him but unfortunately he died instantly after a car pulled out on him.


My whole life revolves around bikes, but now i have really lost interest in them.. So don't really know what to do with myself anymore.

So that's it, I'm stuck.. I can't leave after seeing what my mum & dad have been through.. Just got to carry on I guess?..

Yes, carry on. I've not lost anybody that close yet, but your brother's death must be awful for you. 2 months isn't long to get over that. And with nothing to do that's much fun any more..... I don't believe anybody's cursed though. I think life is just random. Good stuff turns up eventually. Try not to lose hope.

Lost my brother in a car crash when he was 22 and I was 20. Like you I had a motor bike which I traded when my parents gave me the money for a car. Sometimes you just don't get to have any choices in your life. You just have to keep going because there are people out there who depend on you. Plenty of twists and turns to come in your life and you don't want to miss out on anything so don't waste your life.

I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 12 as well, so about 18 years now. I haven't lost my brother yet, or anyone really close to me except my grandparents and a friend at church, but I didn't handle it well. When my grandma died, I was 6 months pregnant and insanely emotional. They had to take me off work and I don't really remember what I did during that time. I had a breakdown.
The following year, to the date of my grandma's death, I thought to cheer my dad up as I'd just found out I was pregnant again, and an hour after I told him, he got the word his sister died. A week later, a family friend died, and the following week, my grandpa died.

I don't know how I've survived. In college, when I was 18, some classmates stopped me from killing myself. There were a couple more after that, but... I can't kill myself. I have to live for the people around me. It took me a while to figure out a sort of balance... I think I only really came to an understanding with my depression last year, accepted that it wasn't going away, and it's been a little easier to deal with.

I wish I could tell you something to help you feel better, but I'm not good at that and tend to make people mad when I try. I hope you can one day find a balance of some sort...