What's going on with me?

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Yesterday as I was starting work I had... an episode. I guess I think of it as a meltdown, but I'm not entirely sure. My mom isn't sold on the idea that Asperger's fits me and thinks of these moments as panic attacks.

From what I've read about some of the panic attack symptoms, I'm not sure it fits. I have increased heart rate and I breathe more heavily, but I've never experienced palpitations, shortness of breath, or choking sensations. I've read that some find it hard to tease out a panic attack from cardiac issues. I've certainly never felt like I was going to die during one of my episodes, but rather I'd prefer to die than have to go through moments like that.

Also, fear isn't always the primary factor behind the attacks. Anxiety is present, but it's more like the stress I'm feeling becomes unbearable. My thoughts go wild and start racing. It's like there's this internal maelstrom and cacophony that overwhelms me to the point where I can't think straight and I feel like I have to scream over the noise in my head just to get words out. I get this incredible urge to escape whatever situation that has brought the episode on, but ultimately I can't escape my own thoughts and just have to 'ride it out.'

In that moment I become upset with myself. I'm ashamed of my behavior and angry at myself for losing control. I feel like lashing out at my environment or at myself. I want to hit, scratch, and bite. I want to slam my head into a wall. In the past I would cut or engage in some other self-harm.

There's so much more going on internally than just fear. Yes, fear is there, but also rage and depression. Ultimately though I feel overwhelmed and feel all these emotions simultaneously. My mind is filled to capacity and is buckling under its own strain. Nothing more can get in and nothing can get out until the internal storm subsides.

That's the form my episodes take. What's going on with me? Is what I'm describing consistent with an autistic meltdown or more in line with a panic attack?

My panic attacks have the heart things, upset stomach, tingling in the wrists, rapid breathing, perspiration, extreme agitation and a deep, deep, existential dread. It's nothing less than terror. It's as if death is inevitable and I have certain foreknowledge of it's imminent presence.

The rest of it sounds similar, but it may also be that panic attacks produce shutdown/meltdown like states. They are horrible to endure. I find lorazepam helpful in managing this.

Another thing that sometimes seriously screws me up is a form of Migraine. It starts with a weird fatigue and a little visual hallucination of a particular abstract geometric kind. When I think it's over I find that there are sometimes other symptoms that start to head in the direction you describe. I don't self-harm in these episodes. Again, I'm not sure how much of this is to do with the initial stimulus, and how much is a reaction to it.

Hope you find good ways to manage it.