Don't really know if this goes here but I just needed to vent a little.
I depend on my mother for shelter and food. I'm only one of six kids and I'm the eldest (22 years old), obviously the rest all depend on her as well. My mum depends on the money that the government gives her and on her ex-partner/ the father to the two youngest, to pay our rent and supply my mum a car. This has been going on for 11 years. My mum's "ex"partner used to live with us but has been living 2 hours away since January this year. He still comes around to see his kids, my half sisters, and they go down to see him. The problem is that this man is a brain fried drug addict and a manipulator. He controls my mum and makes her do whatever he wants all the time, or else he'll threaten to stop paying the rent or to take the car away or fly to another country with my younger half sisters/his daughters. Even his two daughters manipulate and control her, they learnt that from him...
I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that this is really depressing and it effects me each and every day. I don't think I can live or function on my own. I'm a diagnosed Aspie, high functioning. I get payments from the government that aren't that much because I get some casual work from McDonald's, which is only 1 or 2 short shifts a week. I use my money to help my mum pay bills and stuff whenever I can. I try to help my mum as much as I can because I'm tired of watching everyone s**t on her. Especially my own siblings. I want to help her more, I want her to become more independent. I don't want her to depend on this man so much, because he only hurts her and that hurts me.
At the same time I'm really frustrated with myself and with the way that I am. I wish I could go out into the world and get a real job and stuff so that I could support my family and then we wouldn't need to rely on this manipulator and he'd be out of our lives. But I know I'm not capable of that...Even my sisters, one 20 and about to have a baby and attached to her boyfriends hip, the other 18 and a hippy that smokes my mums weed all day and talks about changing the world and how she doesn't want a job... both still live at home and still depend on my mum. I think I'm the only one out of the bunch that wants to genuinely help my mum and try and support her, and I'm the only one who has been diagnosed an autistic. Which I find ironic, personally.
I have thought about and fantasised about moving out on my own plenty of times. But it isn't possible for me.. I can't support myself financially and I can't hold a job or even answer a phone half the time. I don't want to move away from my family or live alone, because I'd be incredibly lonely. My family are the only friends I have...no matter how crazy they are, haha.
But this gets me super down. I try so hard to ignore it. To the point where I feel I'm becoming an apathetic and unemotional person. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Is there anyone else out there who is in this same boat or has been? Did you end up moving out on your own or with friends? Does anyone have any general advise as to what to do in this situation?
Thanks for reading, have a great day~
08 Aug 2015, 10:39 am
