Was this person being disrespectful to me?

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Rocket123
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01 Aug 2015, 6:22 pm

I just started a new job a little over a week ago. There’s a manager (let’s call him Bob) who seems a bit condescending of others. I first noticed this on my first day of work. I was attending a meeting with this Bob and another individual (let’s call him Sam) who works for Bob along with about 8 other people.

So, Sam had recently resigned from the company and was sharing information (with the people in the meeting room) on his next to last day. As Sam began to describe what he had been working on, Bob asked him to “hurry it up”, because he was apparently not going fast enough. Then, Sam began to go through his material a bit faster. A minute or so later, Bob asked Sam to slow down. Sam had had enough and exploded: “Do you want me to speed up or slow down? Why can’t I do this the way I want? Well, now everyone knows why I am leaving this company. I cannot work in this type of environment”. It was a bit of an awkward moment.

So, earlier this week, I was in another meeting with Bob and another guy. I had mentioned that I understood why the latest product release was behind schedule, because the product was so complex. Bob immediately replied, “This product is not complex at all. It’s far less complex than other products I have worked on”.

So, the next day, I was in yet another meeting with Bob and several other individuals. At one point, he made a statement about some aspect of the product I was unfamiliar with. Being new, I had no idea what he was talking about, so I asked him a question to clarify his statement. For one reason or another (I forgot why), my question never got answered and the conversation floated to some other topic. A bit later, Bob made another comment about the same thing I was unfamiliar with. Again, I asked a question. This time, he answered. And, then I responded, “Oh, so that means X”. I now understood.

Immediately afterwards, Bob touched his nose with the tip of his finger.

I know, based upon past experience, that this means something like, “you’re spot on the nose”. But, he did this in front of other people. Now, I have no idea if anyone noticed. Though, I am curious if he was making fun of me (for initially not understanding what he was talking about). Or whether this was simply a gesture to indicate, “I am glad you now understand”. Any ideas?



cyberdad
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01 Aug 2015, 6:59 pm

Rocket123 wrote:
I just started a new job a little over a week ago. There’s a manager (let’s call him Bob) who seems a bit condescending of others. I first noticed this on my first day of work. I was attending a meeting with this Bob and another individual (let’s call him Sam) who works for Bob along with about 8 other people.

So, Sam had recently resigned from the company and was sharing information (with the people in the meeting room) on his next to last day. As Sam began to describe what he had been working on, Bob asked him to “hurry it up”, because he was apparently not going fast enough. Then, Sam began to go through his material a bit faster. A minute or so later, Bob asked Sam to slow down. Sam had had enough and exploded: “Do you want me to speed up or slow down? Why can’t I do this the way I want? Well, now everyone knows why I am leaving this company. I cannot work in this type of environment”. It was a bit of an awkward moment.

So, earlier this week, I was in another meeting with Bob and another guy. I had mentioned that I understood why the latest product release was behind schedule, because the product was so complex. Bob immediately replied, “This product is not complex at all. It’s far less complex than other products I have worked on”.

So, the next day, I was in yet another meeting with Bob and several other individuals. At one point, he made a statement about some aspect of the product I was unfamiliar with. Being new, I had no idea what he was talking about, so I asked him a question to clarify his statement. For one reason or another (I forgot why), my question never got answered and the conversation floated to some other topic. A bit later, Bob made another comment about the same thing I was unfamiliar with. Again, I asked a question. This time, he answered. And, then I responded, “Oh, so that means X”. I now understood.

Immediately afterwards, Bob touched his nose with the tip of his finger.

I know, based upon past experience, that this means something like, “you’re spot on the nose”. But, he did this in front of other people. Now, I have no idea if anyone noticed. Though, I am curious if he was making fun of me (for initially not understanding what he was talking about). Or whether this was simply a gesture to indicate, “I am glad you now understand”. Any ideas?


Seems innocuous, did Bob appear to raise his eyebrows or pull a face when he did this? did he try and catch other people's attention? you might be scanning him too much looking for confirmation of the issue causing your work-place anxiety.



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01 Aug 2015, 7:36 pm

It could mean the detail you asked about is a secret. This could explain why your question was initially overlooked.

I read that in India, he could have been offering you a prostitute. :lol:



Rocket123
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01 Aug 2015, 8:12 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Seems innocuous, did Bob appear to raise his eyebrows or pull a face when he did this?

Cyberdad – Thanks for your response. I didn’t notice him raising his eyebrows. Usually, I don’t look at someone’s eye area. As a matter of fact, I am sort of surprised I noticed the finger to the nose thing. By the way, what does “pull a face” mean?

cyberdad wrote:
did he try and catch other people's attention?

I have no idea how someone would do this, other than verbally. And no, I don’t recall him mocking me in a verbal fashion.

cyberdad wrote:
you might be scanning him too much looking for confirmation of the issue causing your work-place anxiety.

So, this organization is quite dysfunctional. I was hired, to help fix this dysfunction. In fact, I am only hired into situations to help fix dysfunction. My expertise (and the reason they hired me) is to put into place a “people system” (within the engineering group) that allows work to happen efficiently. I need to study a lot of things in order to fully understand the existing “people system”. Particularly, I need to understand how information moves through the “people system” and which decision points exists.

So, there certainly was some discomfort on my part. As I couldn’t “see” the path forward (aka the solution). Fortunately, following that meeting (well, more precisely, after having some “think time” following that meeting), I had an inspiration and now know to fix their “people system”. It’s all about moving one step at a time (i.e. “baby steps”). And, until after that meeting, I had issues figuring out that first step. No more anxiety now. Just curiosity about this Bob's motives. If any.



Rocket123
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01 Aug 2015, 8:12 pm

Anachron wrote:
It could mean the detail you asked about is a secret. This could explain why your question was initially overlooked.

Anachron - Thanks for the response. The detail I asked about was not secret.



kraftiekortie
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01 Aug 2015, 8:19 pm

I don't see any disrespect.....but this guy seems like he might be a difficult person to deal with.



cyberdad
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01 Aug 2015, 11:48 pm

Rocket123 wrote:
By the way, what does “pull a face” mean?

It just means did he stretched his face muscles in a "feigned" surprise

Rocket123 wrote:
I have no idea how someone would do this, other than verbally.

Oh, I though there were other people in the room, my mistake, NTs tend to like doing this with their eyes if other NT people are around, it's kind of a sign (for them) of sophisticated acknowledgement


Rocket123 wrote:
No more anxiety now. Just curiosity about this Bob's motives. If any.

Glad to hear it, hope it's nothing serious



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02 Aug 2015, 12:06 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't see any disrespect.....but this guy seems like he might be a difficult person to deal with.


Certainly sounds that way! Rocket, your account made me feel bad for the guy on the way out.



Rocket123
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02 Aug 2015, 6:18 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't see any disrespect.....but this guy seems like he might be a difficult person to deal with.

Almost 20 years ago, I had a boss (her name was Michelle) who did the same thing (touched her nose with the tip of her finger after I had said something). Michelle was a nightmare (a real b*tch). I was so upset with having her as a boss that I actually cried at work one day. That was the only time I ever cried at work.

Anyway, immediately after seeing Bob do the finger thing to the nose, I immediately thought of Michelle. And wondered, was he another instance of Michelle.



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02 Aug 2015, 6:24 pm

He seems kinda arrogant. Like he thinks he is better than people lower rank than him.

I'm not sure if he was disrespecting you but I wouldn't like that attitude either.

I think touching the nose thing might be disbelief as in they expect you to know what they do and when you repeat back to clarify they might think 'of course stupid'. Though your not stupid for doing that really. It's good to fully understand.

Also it may mean they are trying to hide their true intentions.


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02 Aug 2015, 10:59 pm

I'm not sure what his gesture means, but I think you're asking the wrong question. I'm not sure if this 'Bob' is being disrespectful towards you, but I do think he happens to be a poor manager. He doesn't put people at ease and other people have left his work because of his behavior. He doesn't appear to relate to different people well, which is an essential tool of a good manager. I'm not how you should be dealing with him, but I would taking a very cautious approach if you value your job.



androbot01
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02 Aug 2015, 11:40 pm

Well, I'm going to stick up for the boss. You have been brought in to help improve his team. He probably, as team leader, feels vulnerable. Obviously there was some conflict with Sam, but you don't know the details of it, so I would put it aside unless more information becomes available. The incident would have been awkward for him too (Bob.)
The touching the nose thing could be a nervous tick. I'm pretty sure that it means something in mafia parlance. Like a secret has been shared or something.
I wouldn't make any decisions with only this data.



Rocket123
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02 Aug 2015, 11:44 pm

progaspie wrote:
I'm not sure what his gesture means, but I think you're asking the wrong question. I'm not sure if this 'Bob' is being disrespectful towards you, but I do think he happens to be a poor manager. He doesn't put people at ease and other people have left his work because of his behavior. He doesn't appear to relate to different people well, which is an essential tool of a good manager.

Well, I figured out quickly (within the first hour of working at the new company) that Bob was a poor manager. The odd (and awkward/uncomfortable) interaction between Bob and Sam in a public forum was a clear sign of that.

progaspie wrote:
I'm not how you should be dealing with him, but I would taking a very cautious approach if you value your job.

A cautious approach makes a lot of sense. Hopefully, I won’t get in trouble (as I have this bad habit of speaking my mind).



Rocket123
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02 Aug 2015, 11:54 pm

androbot01 wrote:
Well, I'm going to stick up for the boss. You have been brought in to help improve his team. He probably, as team leader, feels vulnerable. Obviously there was some conflict with Sam, but you don't know the details of it, so I would put it aside unless more information becomes available. The incident would have been awkward for him too (Bob.)

Well, I certainly agree I need more data points. I am certain I will collect more in the coming weeks (as I only work part time at this company).

androbot01 wrote:
The touching the nose thing could be a nervous tick.

While I could be wrong, I highly doubt it was a nervous tick. Bob took the tip of his finger and touched the tip of his nose. It was the exact same motion that a former boss of mine had done, over 20 years ago.

As I think about it, I am probably quite sensitive to the action, because that former boss of mine had made my work life so miserable.



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03 Aug 2015, 12:05 am

starfox wrote:
He seems kinda arrogant.

You are likely correct (about him being arrogant).

starfox wrote:
Like he thinks he is better than people lower rank than him.

This is one of the reasons I became an independent contractor. To me, a person's role and rank simply provides insight into who makes what decisions. Which, of course, is important to understand, when modifying a “people system”.



uberdine
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06 Aug 2015, 4:05 am

Rocket he definitely meant, "Exactly. Correct. You hit it on the nose." Without being there it's impossible to know his subtext however. There's every chance he was being disrespectful. If he didn't say anything else at the time, i.e. just the gesture, then I imagine he was being condescending, although possibly not. Either way the guy sounds like an as*hole.