i am a frigging idiot

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ok everyone heres the info. Night of tequila shots and beers with my girlfriend and some friends.

I was taking my girlfriend home saturday night and the topic of finding other women attractive came up and like an idiot i didnt think and said of course and resorted to myself getting an errection at times. Now lets set things straight I love my girlfriend and would never cheat on her although she severly doubts it now. What I thought of as being a good honest boyfriend has turned into a huge falling out from which i am afraid the premisiss of our relationship may be effected. We are trying to have kids and now she seems a little sketchy about my commitment to her and the issue. I am actually in the middle of writing this long letter to her about how i love her and how dumb i am but when i brought up my condition of having AS and its possible implement into the situation she turned away the idea without a thought. "only drunks and babies tell the truth". She said and i instantly became confused and anxiety ridden about the subject. After a few hours of hyperventalition and agressive crying i have somewhat come to my senses and have turned to the Aspie community for help. Dont get me wrong she is very understanding of my faults but is rightfully pissed and i just want to tell her in the best way possible that there is no other in my life and that i want to spend the rest of it with her.

suggestions are welcome, as well as good sites which i can refer her to so that she can better understand my condition.

As a married woman I think your girlfriend is being oversensitive. She obviously doesn't understand AS either.

i'd let her go mate. she may have wanted to break off anyway and just seized on this incident as a convenient 'out'.

i love her and i know she loves me...i just missed her three calls because i am in the office typing this letter to her.....i just need good sources of AS information i can give to her so that she can gain a better understanding of what i am telling her..

thank you both for your info...

Your girlfriend is being completely unfair. Every healthy straight guy looks at attractive women, and might even get a hard on now and then. It doesn't mean you're going to cheat, for Pete's sake. That's ridiculous. You were honest and there's nothing wrong with that.

Edit: Postperson has a point. You should consider that possibility, awful as it might be.

bizmack, at least stop calling yourself an idiot because you're not!

Is she NT? I've never met a NT woman who doesn't know that men do this or a NT woman who doesn't react like that. You just didn't play by the NT rules which would be to lie in that situation (not picking on NTs here, it's just that their "politeness" rules dictate that you lie in a situation like that). You aren't an idiot. Most NT guys find that out by blurting out the truth and getting slammed for it.

Just explain it to her. And if she's still pissed, I reckon you should stop feeling guilty. If you've tried everything, then the onus is on her to make an effort too.

And it's not only drunks and babies that tell the truth. There are plenty of good honest people out there.

To be honest i am starting to think she has some AS traits but i cannot be as sure until i get my actual diagnosis. She did have a really bad relationship which she tells me has caused her to be sensative about certain subjects, cheating being one of them. So i am starting to feel better about this but i have to give her this letter to explain how i completely feel about the whole situation. Ive told her im an Aspie but she doesnt want me to jump to conclusion until i get the diagnosis. I already know like i know i love her though. Those two thoughts are by far the clearest in my mind at any given time.

btw i dont feel as guilty about saying it, yet i feel bad for making her cry and giving her the idea that i am looking to be with someone else. i think were both overly insecure about what we feel for each other because of the possibility of having our hearts completely broken open. I have been hurt really bad in relationships as well and i tend to try and fix things and be overly compassionate towards my partner. I guess we have a long discussion when i see her today. Anyway thank all of you for the feedback i think i know what i need to do. And yes i will go through what being an Aspie entails...

The really ODD thing here is that men can get an erection with just a brief almost invisible glance of the female form. That doesn't even mean that they would ever want to do anything with that person. Some women believe there is something mystical that forces the man to have a STRONG desire for that person under the circumstances.

And YEAH, AS people DO tend to say the truth in such circumstances. She should be HAPPY! You are less likely to cheat, and more likely to be honest! That is the OPPOSITE of how some women believe men are.

Steve

I would not go through all the AS stuff to resolve this problem, it will only get in the way, and it looks like you are trying to blame something when there is nothing to blame. You should just emphasise that you are basically a very honest and open guy, perhaps unusually so. And go through the *cheating* issue and how hurtfull such an act is, on so many levels, and how you would not even be capable of it etc you get the idea.

I agree with Flake. She can find out about AS in time. You don't need to say more than you have to.

thank you, i am writing another letter minus the Aspie explanations

Hi,

Regarding good information on AS, I have found www.danda.org.uk and www.aspergia.com useful. They explain AS and the difficulties it can cause but without making us aspies sound useless.

Hope this is of help to you

It sounds to me like she really over reacted and may be incapable of having a relationship with you.

This is not your fault, I think the premises for your relationship was built on a faulty ground, only this brought it to the foreground. Of course you notice attractive women! And your “response” was very normal for all men, especially in the under 30 crowd.

All people are attracted to attractive people! If that was not true, why would movie stars have such followings. It is not just single women that follow Brad Pitt like a panting dog! “As for only drunks and babies tell the truth” concerns me. She does not want you to be honest? What is she hiding? You should tell her she should be happy you can’t lie! That way, you could never cheat, or really even “think” about cheating without her knowing.

My husband, 2 days before we got married, went out for a night on the town with some friends to say goodbye to the single life. They went to a few strip clubs, got drunk, and the one friend wanted to go to a rub and tug. My husband was very upset. The friend was MARRIED! He came home, and the next day, told me! He just could not keep it to himself! I was happy to know, and noted he moved away from that “crowd” as soon as we got married. He has not even been to a strip club in 6 years!

Best of luck, if this all blows up, try not to blame yourself. One comment like that should not set a solid relationship falling like a house of cards unless the foundation is really faulty. I am sorry you have come to see just how fragile the relationship is. Kudos to you for keeping it going so long!