This Rage Builds Up Inside Me

Post Reply New Topic

Diagnosed Aspie here. Some days I get so annoyed and just want to be alone. I can't stand to be touched or talked to. My wife has made the mistake of starting arguments with me during these times and she is not one to back down so they usually end up with me almost punching a hole in the wall. I just feel like punching somebody in the face or tearing the house apart. I do not act on it but I feel like I am very very close.

I tried exercising and actually have been doing it too much here lately that I had to take a few days off to let my muscles and cns recover from overuse but it calms me down for a few hours.

Other than that I have not found any effective way to control my anger. Deep breathing helps but not enough to control my lash out mentality.

Any suggestions on how to control this? Does anyone else have similar experiences?

try pounding a pillow rather than the expensive and intimidating act of punching a hole in the wall. or get in the car with all the windows rolled up and scream (just not too long or you'll lose your voice - i speak from experience).

also talk to your wife while you're both calm and ask her to respect your need for alone time when upset, promising to deal with her issues once you've calmed yourself. then be prepared to compromise once you're calm. currently, neither of you deals with conflict in a healthy way.

I know the feeling all too well. It sounds like you are having meltdowns. I would research more on what they are to gain a better understanding so you can help your wife understand. There are several things you can do.
The first thing I would do is look back at what caused the meltdown/anger emotions. It might be more than one, and it might be little things built up over days or longer. Learn how to cope with stressers through breathing techniques or other coping methods. Learn what your triggers are so you can avoid them. Your wife should also do research about meldowns and what to do when your having one. An example would be if she should hold you or just stay around you and say nothing, or to leave you alone for awhile.
It will be different from person to person. When I feel completely overwhelmed or angry to the point of sheer self stupidity I find a place to be alone. Sometimes when im having meltdowns I don't want to be alone I want to be coddled and understood. Others I want to be left alone and I will kill do do so.
The main thing I would suggest is talking it over with your wife to help both of you understand the appropriate approach. She may have a hard time knowing when you are in these moods. So being able to communicate to her when you feel this way is key. It is ok to say that you are currently stressed out for reasons of your own and you need space to calm down. Things like im a bit overestimated and I need a little time to process is perfectly acceptable response. I hope this was helpful.

Also diagnosed aspie, and very familiar with the type of primal rage you describe. My advice is this: Take up a martial art. Not a soft, esoteric one like Tai Chi or Aikido, but a more high-impact one like Boxing, Muay Thai, Krav Maga or Wing Chun. For letting off steam, lifting weights only ever made me angrier (but too tired to actually lash out). I've done boxing and kung fu on and off for about 7 years, and I've never been calmer or more in control. I'm much more able to keep the rage on a low, controlled burn, and use it as a driving force rather than letting it spiral beyond control andf take me with it. It's a bit hard to explain, but somehow remaining in control feels more rewarding to me now than it did before, which counterbalances the impulse to get instant gratification from lashing out.

Also, do talk to your wife. It is imperative that she understand that the only way to deal with a meltdown is allowing the person to be alone in a quiet place until it wears off. There is no arguing rationally with a person caught in a fight-or-flight panic attack.

Thanks guys. I will try to use some of these methods especially some form of martial arts as Wolfram proposed.

I used to think it was all my wife's fault because she was the source of my anger most of the time but I am coming to terms with the fact that being mature is not letting my anger take control of me.

Although there is something about having someone micromanage me that really annoys me. I will try to talk to her about leaving me alone during these times.

Do you stim?

One way to control your behavior without having to go anywhere would be using a stim toy--for instance, from stimtastic.co.
They're great stress relievers, and for a person like you, are very helpful.

Stim might work also thanks. Do you have any recommendations on a good one in particular or is it just all personal preference?

Yes...

I hate this. I wish it never happened.
All the things you said were right, except for me not just exercise but moving, like a walk or bike ride, that combines going somewhere, being alone and using my muscles.
Mindfulness meditation can help not get there, but if you are at the breaking point, you can't do it, so it's useless as a fix. Meditative martial arts, such as Tai Chi or practicing Tae Kwon Do hyungs or Karate kata are very helpful, usually more helpful than sitting meditation.

The most important thing for me is to be alone. My wife sometimes interprets my saying "this is not the time" to mean "I don't want to deal with the issue you are raising" when I am really saying, "I am about to explode and cannot usefully participate in a discussion of anything right now." Since she cannot, in the heat of the moment, understand this, what I am doing now is just leaving before I can explode. I am lucky in living in a quiet area and there is a walk I can take while I get myself together where no one will bother me and I mostly have trees and sky to look at.

That walk often involves all kinds of catastrophic thinking, thoughts of suicide and all kinds of other nonsense before I am back out. I don't take that stuff seriously anymore, it's just a kind of cognitive storm that generates emotions and stupid thoughts, so I wait it out, like a thunderstorm.

It happened at work once and I had to call in sick at lunch time and just go home.

I don't know of any real way to deal with other than isolating myself and waiting it out. Fortunately it's infrequent and irregular.

I hope you find ways to cope that work for you.

Reading this was so helpful to me. Thanks for sharing. "Cognitive storm" - I like that.

I have the same problem. When I say I need to go cool down, my wife will pick up the kid and block the door so she can finish screaming at me. I am afraid that I will just jump through the window one day.

This is where I think it may be good to get a counselor to suggest alternative strategies for your wife and ways to understand what is happening to you.

My wife tends to think that I should simply learn to control my temper and always listen. I have tried to explain that this is not a good strategy for solving the problem that she is upset about and that I am doing the best I can, but she can't hear this from me. She does hear this when psychologists say it, though. So I think this is one of those things where an advocate is needed.

Adamantium yep those walks help.I have to run though. I went through the suicide stage when I was in my 20's. Took a little too many pills and ended up in a mental institution for a few days. I found out that it would hurt my family members so bad that I have never considered it again. So I hope that thought never lingers in your head too long. Besides, I need somebody to argue with in the cop post

Anachron your wife's behavior mimics my wife at times. She will demand that she has the last word and must cause as much emotional damage as possible. I agree with Adamantium that she needs counseling over this and so does my wife. I tried telling her what she is doing when she calms down and it seems to help a little.

There is nothing more frustrating than feeling like you are not being heard. That is probably why your wives are acting the way they are. Also, walking away looks like you are "walking away" from them and dismissing their feelings.

That being said, if your reactions are in the "meltdown" range of experiences, the reality is that the fact that you are preventing yourself from punching something is probably a feat of extreme self-control. To expect you to talk AND listen AND exhibit that degree of self-control is unrealistic.

I think the key is that you and your wives (I am saying wives because it appears this is common for more than just the OP) must need to understand that overload is not a permanent license to not deal with things that partners need to deal with. However, it does need to be recognized as a legitimate reason for a temporary "pass," and you can only use it when you are experiencing a legitimate meltdown.

My kids and I all have the potential to get overwhelmed. We have an agreed upon rule that any of us can request time alone and it must be respected. BUT you have to deal with whatever it is that is not being dealt with when the request is made.

You have to have these kinds of conversations when no one is upset, however. Because if you try to have it in mid melt-down, it just looks like you are making an excuse not to hear her out, which will only make her more angry.

Thanks for saying this. You expressed my sentiments, but in a much better way. I hate it when my husband walks away from me, for the exact reasons you stated.

Although anger sometimes builds up in me, I almost never feel this kind of rage. I do think it is more a "male" thing, and not just for those on the spectrum.

It is important that you promise to deal with the issue and FOLLOW THROUGH. If you break your wife's trust on this, she will not believe that you just need some "time to cool down."

Great advice. It is always good to put yourself in the other person's shoes when angry.

This is all true, especially the last part. There are some more complicated dynamics that can come into play and I think this goes for any two people in a close relationship such as spouses, parents and children, etc. This is why I think a good counselor can be very helpful in providing a perspective from outside the relationship.

There is the emotion sharing vs. problem solving aspect, and this may be a particular problem for aspies because of missing some of the emotion, or just the cues that what is needed is hearing out and recognizing the emotion.

There is also a dynamic that people who are avoiding dealing with a problem may choose a totally inappropriate moment to discuss that problem in order to continue not to deal with it without feeling bad about that because the failure to address the problem is now the other person's "fault." For example, very late Sunday night just after a nine hour drive and an exhausting weekend of extended family activity might not be a suitable time talk about issues with the budget, but such a time might be chosen strategically in order not to actually deal with the budget. Likewise, "I just had the worst day at work," is probably not an indicator that the person saying it is in an ideal state to discuss a scheduling problem.

If a person is picking such moments as times to address important issues, that may in itself be a strategy for not dealing with those issues--this might be a desirable outcome if one expects that the result of actually dealing with the issue will be an outcome that one doesn't like or a compromise that means giving up a highly desired outcome, or just seeing things as they are when they are not as one would wish them to be.

It's a strategy of using dysfunction as a form of psychological protection and my understanding is that it's widely practiced. When this strategy is being used in a relationship where the other partner has meltdowns, it's both very effective and very destructive. Sad for everyone involved.

For me, those moments of going over the edge are rare and I hate them, but I've been around long enough that I know the pattern.

I also have been through that overwhelmed state that I described as a cognitive storm earlier so many times (more often not from this kind of enraging conflict) that I really don't take it seriously anymore. The feelings are real, the thoughts are real, but it's like watching a movie or listening to a ranting person at a distance. I don't take these things seriously at all, even when they are surges of extreme emotion. I am often able to laugh at the content not long after thinking it, because it makes no sense and doesn't really have anything to do with the ongoing flow of my life.